Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek

My motivation

2012-01-26T13:46:00.004-06:00

Jen asked an important question today on her blog - What keeps you motivated? What keeps you inspired?

These are vital questions for me and they boil down to my very favorite people, but for the sake of reminding myself here is what motivates me.

1. My Son

I want to be around for his life - going to school, first date, driving, graduation, college, marriage, grandkids. Even if these things are not in store for him I want to see and marvel at this tiny person I helped give life to. He is 2 years and 11 months old today. I want him to grow up with "fat" mom as a distant vague memory. I want to crawl over the playground with him now, and build snowmen without wanting to sit down and rest.

I want to dance with him at weddings, cry with him over hurts. I want to model a healthy magical amazing zest for life. I want to teach him that food is fuel and our choices are our own and no one else's. I want to hug him each night before he goes to sleep and whisper in his ear how much I love him.

I want to protect my heart walking through the world by attending to my own heart and health.

2. My husband

I want to grow old with Mr. Goat. I want to figure out how to be healthy together, side by side. I want to be strong when he is weak, and to have strength given when I need it. I don't want to leave him the struggle of being a single parent. I want to look good naked, or at least be self confident in my own skin. I want a 50 year anniversary, or a 65 year anniversary. I want to be surrounded by our children, and grandchildren and know that we've worked hard together for something beautiful and lasting. I want my love for him and little goat to be stronger than my love for food.

3. My future kids

I want to be healthy to risk pregnancy with fewer chances of the complications I had the first time. I want to have the energy to face late nights, early mornings and marathon mothering. I want to look in the mirror and see a pregnant belly, not just another bump on a lumpy tummy. I don't want to have to leave a child in the NICU if I can help it. I don't want to be the weak link in carrying a baby to term. I want to meet more children of ours with the knowledge that I am healthier than I ever was.

4. Myself

I don't want to judge myself based on what I see in the mirror. I want to shop in the regular stores. I want to keep up, and drive the pace. I want to be the instigator, not the one dragging her feet. I don't want to hold anyone back, least of all myself. I want to see the world, and fit into an airplane seat. I want to look like I belong in a gym, not like an imposter. I don't want to be called fat by children at church or the grocery store. I want to be healthy and happy so that I can care for others. I want to stop saying "I can't." I want to believe I am capable of daunting tasks. I want to be full of possibilities. I want to wander without being lost, and run without being chased. I want to be the hero of my own adventure. I want to face my fears and triumph. I want to see magic in everything. I want to be able to see God's image in me.

And that, dear friends, is why I am on this path, long and hard though it may be. Because all of that...that is what I really want. Not the brownie, or the chips, or the pounds. I want my life to be full, not just my stomach.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 3

2012-01-25T11:20:00.001-06:00

Well, I worked hard this week, like the last too and am pleased to say that I still had a loss! So without further ado:

-2.6 Pounds

- 6.4 lbs Total to Date

I don't know if it is because it was over 2lbs again, or if it was just breaking the 5lb mark and getting a sticker at my Weight Watchers meeting today but I feel much better about this weigh in than the past ones. I seem to be getting the hang of this despite some daily or weekly challenges.

Most importantly though, I am continuing to make choices consciously and changing my plans if I make a poorer choice so I don't spiral out of control. Some victories this week include having 5 days of activity, avoiding dessert while out with the family, and bringing my lunch several times to work.

It makes me excited to get to 10lbs, even though it will likely be another 2-3 weeks before that is even likely. But it is coming. Also, I'm getting close to changing my "tens" number - which is always good. Hopefully next week.

And in the spirit of putting my loss in perspective here is my total pounds lost to date in food - 5lbs of sugar and a pound and a quarter of butter. (was almost to adding another stick - oh well). Imagining that off my frame is so much more tangible than the random number. Goodbye sugar bag - I won't miss you.

Balance

2012-01-24T21:58:00.001-06:00

My One Breath, One Step recaps are coming, I promise. I am finding it hard to get the emotions and motivations they gave me down on paper. Also, I am tired. So tired, and I finally had an ephiphany about why I am SO tired.

I am working three full time jobs.

Ok, so not really. I am working one very busy job, being a full time mom, and putting myself full time into this weight loss thing.

Last week I worked as normal, participated in two worship services, Wed night programs and Sunday School, worked out 5 times, went to One Breath, One Step, and a therapy appointment, all while making sure that my son was happy, fed, rested and had plenty of positive attention. And I had a lot of help to get it all done, especially from Mr. Goat.

I feel sort of like a plate spinner. The moment you focus on one plate the others need attending to as well. You just keep going and going and hope that nothing drops to the ground.

But honestly right now I am so tired. And hungry. The last two days I have been hungry no matter what I eat. Even having eaten every point, plus two extra weekly points today, drinking 150oz of water, and having a balanced dinner, it is still taking most of my will power not to go to the fridge and eat every scrap of cheese in on the shelves. Or ice cream. Or chips (that I don't have - thank goodness).

I assume this is a sign of my metabolism kicking in and the workouts doing what they are supposed to, but it is taking effort tonight.

And my weigh in is tomorrow at 9:30. Will it show a loss? I hope so, but I don't know. A tentative weigh in at the gym on Monday didn't show much of a change. So I don't know.

I am still determined to succeed, but the balance of it all is so hard. I can't do everything "full time" so how do I find the balance?

How do you find balance between work, health and family?

One Breath, One Step - How I got there

2012-01-22T15:59:00.000-06:00

I spent Saturday Morning at a coffee shop with 40 other people who are, have or want to change their health and their weight. It was Jen's (A PriorFatGirl) One Breath, One Step event. I have been to them before and always enjoy the chance to connect, ask advice, receive support and information about figuring out this healthy living thing. I always left inspired. Naturally I hoped to go to this one as well.

Unfortunately I looked at our budget post-Christmas and since I was spending the money on Weight Watchers, it really wasn't a good option for me to spend money on at this point. I tried to win a ticket on Jen's blog, but the random number generator didn't look my way. So I lamented not being able to go and continued to work on my journey alone.

So you can imagine my surprise when Jen sent me this email:.

Liz,

Someone reached out to me today regarding an order they placed this morning for a ticket for the One Breath, One Step event on the 21st. They requested that I send you the ticket information with the following:

Liz,

You're taking all the right steps. 2012 is going to be your year! You've joined Weight Watchers and you're doing the hard work of finding a balance, on so many levels, from the food you consume to your work and family life. You are such a wonderful & giving person, always taking care of your family and friends. I wanted you to have the chance to have a few hours to focus on *you*. Enjoy the One Breath, One Step gathering with old and new friends. Celebrate the amazing steps you've already taken, and it's just the beginning!

A friend

Jen closed with the details of the event, but I confess I was already crying too hard to take it in. First, because it was such a kind and generous gesture. To be singled out as deserving of a gift is a special thing. To have it be given anonymously so that there is a mysterious benefactor seems doubly special, because it is just a gift of love to me.

Secondly, it is because somewhere someone recognizes that I am worthy of making these changes and that I am CAPABLE of making them. Someone was willing to spend money to ensure that I had the support to succeed.

I'm going to be blogging over the next few days about what I've learned at the One Breath, One Step event. I want to focus on each of the amazing speakers. But I couldn't begin my recap of an amazing morning without a heartfelt thank you to whoever it was out there who sent me this gift.

I am blessed with amazing friends and amazing support. This is a beautiful reminder of that. So, wherever you are, from the bottom of my heart:

Thank you.

Putting things into perspective

2012-01-19T11:32:00.001-06:00

On my frame, -3.8 pounds hardly seems to make a dent. Oh, there are fleeting moments when I think I might see a difference but it is hard to know if that is true or a trick of the light. But several people pointed out that there is a way to picture that fat off my body - sticks of butter. In fact, 3.8lbs is slightly over 15 sticks of butter. Need a visual?

Um, ew.

So there is real and significant weight off of my body. Somehow it seems more impactful to me to picture what 3.8lbs of fat actually look like. Now I don't know that it is 100% fat that I've lost, but still that is a lot of mass off my body, even if I can't quite tell where it came from yet.

So I have my healthy salad with protein for lunch, and drinking water and am moving forward. Progress is Progress, and I haz it.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 2

2012-01-18T12:27:00.000-06:00

I went in with high hopes this morning. Secretly I was hoping for 2.6 which would bring my to 5lbs lost. Instead I got this.

-1.4 pounds

-3.8 lbs Total to date

And now I have a dilemma. On the one hand -1.4 is exactly in the .5-2lb weight loss we are told to expect. I get that. And a loss is a good thing. On the other hand, I expected it to be more. I guess I always thought that if I really got my act together that the weight would come off a little faster just because I was now attending to it. As if willpower alone could play a role in the speed in which I lose weight.

I mean really, I have been following the plan to a T. I don't know, I just hoped for more. Somehow -1.4 makes me feel like I'm doing something WRONG rather than following everything like I'm supposed to. Or that there is some trick to getting the scale to recognize my efforts. Instead the slow progress seems agonizing.

The painful reality is though that this is realistic weight loss. And realistically even if I do this well every single day that I will still be fighting this fight for YEARS. It makes me sad to know how far I have to go, and the reason I have so far is that I did this to myself. The scale is just part of that equation. I'm the bigger part. I did this, and I have to change it. And it sucks.

But what other choice do I have? Now is not the time to give up, it is the time to keep fighting and hope to reach 5lbs next week. One day at a time.

M's and W's

2012-01-17T22:39:00.000-06:00

For the past several days I have had a fun size pack of M&Ms in my pocket. I know it is there. It was a treat from Little Goat's Christmas stocking and I brought it for incentive for good behavior (read: bribery) at a recent outing. He calls them M's. Every time I put on my coat I remember that it is there and I think about those little M's. And for some reason, instead of thinking of the candy coated chocolate, I think of this cartoon.

I consider this progress.

Tomorrow is my second weigh in at Weight Watchers. I'm less confident this week. Don't get me wrong, I've met nearly every goal this week. I have remaining weekly points left. I went to the gym twice (though I wanted to go 4 times but the sick child won out). I was within 3 points of my daily amount each day. (more often just under).

Still, I haven't noticed the immediate changes as I did last week. Or I don't think so. Sometimes I think I do, but 1-2 lbs on a 300+ frame are hard to notice. So once more I go into tomorrow with uncertainty in my head. But I also go into tomorrow's meeting with M's in my pocket....reminding me of how far I've come.

One of these days I will need something to lure compliance from my headstrong toddler and I will give them up, but I am confident that I won't be the one eating them. Instead they remind me of the choices I have and the choices I will continue to make.

No longer M's but W's...so long as I don't eat them. Weight Watchers for the Win....er I mean the loss (hopefully!)

Stay-at-Home Madness

2012-01-16T21:48:00.004-06:00

Today Little Goat and I were home for Martin Luther King day. Technically E has been home since Wednesday with a cold bug and Mr. Goat and I have been alternating frantically working and staying home with the sick kid. Today he was well though, for the first real day. If daycare had been open he would have gone.
Luckily the office was closed for me too. So E and I had the day to ourselves. It went as follows:

* Little Goat gets up fairly early, I am exhausted and wished for more time to sleep.
* Breakfast - Mr. Goat goes back to bed having sucumb to the cold bug little goat had last week.
* Watch some TV - I struggle to stay awake on the couch with Little Goat.
* Go to the gym - workout with Little Goat to the Y childcare.
* Explain to childcare that while he had been sick he is now fine and his lingering cough is due to asthma.
* Take Little Goat to Panera for lunch.
* Try to wrangle a bouncy toddler while trying to eat lunch.
* Try to convince said bouncy toddler to stop running around the restaurant, while trying to bus our dishes.
* As we are leaving Panera watching that toddler have a coughing fit which causes him to throw up all his soup from lunch.
* Mention to the manager that my son threw up, escape with toddler who is now demanding M&Ms.
* Skip the grocery store in favor of getting the toddler home on the off chance his getting sick was not due coughing.
* Try to get little goat down for a nap. Give up after an hour plus of putting him back in bed.
* During that time try for 20+ minutes to even get him to take a timeout for hitting me.
*Give up, go back downstairs and turn on the TV.
* Finally track my food for the first time today.
* Mr Goat returns from a few bleary hours at work.
* Make dinner - realize something was improperly packaged (aka open already) and probably not safe to eat.
* Remake new dinner.
* Clean up spilled milk by Little goat.
* Toddler dumps full plate in rebellion.
* Get him some new food in an effort to get him to eat something.
* Listen as he tantrums and returns to the basement.
* Finish my dinner and talk with Mr. Goat.
* Head to basement - find Little Goat asleep on the couch.
* Try to put him to bed much to his dismay.
* Mr. Goat coaxes him to sleep while I track my dinner points.
* Toddler asleep I finally get to the grocery store.
* Return, put food away, do laundry and finally sit down for some me time.

Whew I am exhausted. I haven't had a shower, I smell from the gym and I'm worn down by the stubborn (mostly adorable) toddler and reminded that I really am a better mom when I am a working mom. It gives me time to process things in my own head a bit better than the constant go-go-go of toddler living.

Still that sometimes feel likes a confession that I should keep to myself. "Hi I'm Liz. (Hi Liz) and I'm a better mom when I'm not home all the time." But that is the truth. Most of the time I look forward to mutual days off with him but today I am worn down and ready to head back to work tomorrow. Maybe Little goat will be a little nicer to me tomorrow too, it wouldn't hurt.

Doubt

2012-01-15T23:04:00.001-06:00

I've made it through the weekend successfully. I've stayed on plan and while I have eaten slightly less healthy foods I've been choices so that I am still budgeted. I'm eating enough veggies and drinking my water. I have only been to the gym once this week thanks to little goat's cold. I have the day off tomorrow though so I'm going to go again.

I've done everything I am supposed to, but I have this nagging doubt this week. I feel bigger than I did last week some how, even though Mr. Goat assures me he sees places where I am smaller. Still I'm uncertain about whether or not Weight Watchers will work. It almost seems like I have too many points and can eat too much food to sufficiently lose weight. And what about sodium? Or time of eating? Or all those things.

I hope that I will register a loss on Wednesday but right now I am doubtful of my progress, for no discernable reason.

I push on, but I wonder what Wednesday will bring.

Success by Planning

2012-01-14T23:06:00.001-06:00

Well, I forgot to take a picture of my food at lunch. Something about diving right in because I was hungry. But here are the stats of the day. I ate breakfast. I had lunch - steak faijtas, no tortillas, fixings and splurged on the corn cake at Don Pablos. Not even a single chip passed my lips.

Sick kids changed our dinner plans so I ate dinner at home with my remaining points. I also choose to use 3 extra weekly points to give me a bit more hummus for my fresh veggies.

So I consider today to be a success. I planned and worked within my plan but still had choices. Plus I got to hold all of these babies and hug some dear friends. That makes it an even bigger success in my book!

Preparing for success

2012-01-13T23:20:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I am going out to eat twice. With adults! For conversation and friendship! Wheeee!

But going out is also a stumbling block for the Weight Watchers plan. Yes you can eat anything on the plan but you still need to be mindful of the points and keep on track. And that can be a challenge, particularly if you are going into something blind.

So I decided that I wouldn't go in blind. Today I spent some time on the websites of the restaurants and some Weight watchers points sites and planned my options out. I haven't decided what to eat exactly, but I have a list of some "better" options so that I can make good choices tomorrow.

The good part about going out tomorrow is seeing my friends and getting away from the everyday. It is not about the food, it is about the fellowship.

So I'm determined not to let it be about the food.

It is true I am likely to use a good chunk of my weekly points tomorrow, but I'm not going to go overboard because I have planned to be successful. And so I will be.

I'll report back tomorrow night with photo proof of how I did!

Gym: Mom's hour off

2012-01-12T23:40:00.001-06:00

I was home with a toddler with a nasty cold today. Most of they day was spent watching endless hours of Blues Clues (his current favorite DVD), with a little Thomas the Train and Seasame Street thrown in. There was the work to get him take his nebulizers and he felt just well enough today to start to have strong opinions again.

When Mr. Goat got home it was time to take a break from the sick child care and Mr. Goat graciously let me escape to the gym.

I realized that my thinking must be changing when I was excited to go. I was excited to get moving and get off the couch and away from the incessent Blues Clues. I was excited to earn those activity points with Weight Watchers. And I was excited for the good feeling post-workout.

I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do. I thought about doing a Couch to 5k workout but my first run was a struggle. So I picked up my walking pace, found something good on the TV and started going.

A hour and a 5k later I wrapped up.

Seriously, I walked a 5k just because I was excited to be moving at the gym.
I'm pretty sore now, but I am still reveling that I went out in the cold and got a great workout in. Go me!

Weigh in Wednesday

2012-01-11T11:09:00.001-06:00

Well despite E being sick and being up part of the night with him I made it to my meeting this morning. The verdict for my first week at Weight Watchers....

-2.4 pounds

Honestly my first instinct was "That's all?!" My co-worker who attends meetings with me and is already much smaller than me pulled in a 4 pound weight loss in week 1. And I really rocked it out this week. I think I bought into the fact that "Week 1" is supposed to be a magical number you never really experience again.

But the more I think about it the more I'm doing ok with that number. First, it is a loss after all, so that's good. I also asked my leader who asked me about my exercise. When I said I worked out 4 times that week, she mentioned that when you first start working out your muscles like to hold on to extra fluid and it takes 2-3 weeks for the regular exercise to get the muscles to settle into a new routine.

So ultimately I am exactly where I was last night.

1. I did the plan and was successful this week.

2. I need to do the plan as wholeheartedly this week as last week.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow

2012-01-10T22:04:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I weigh in for the first time on Weight Watchers. I've been following the plan and tracking for the last 10 days but this is my first weigh in since I found a partner to go with me on Wednesdays.

Despite the nagging doubts I have I know that I have done everything I'm supposed to in the plan. I ate my daily points, used weekly points where needed. I worked out 4 days. Everything, including my pants, point to the fact that I have lost something.

And yet there is anxiety in facing the scale knowing I gave it my all. What if I don't lose anything? What if I lose a little bit but I get frustrated because I wished it was more? What if... What if... It is those what ifs that used to keep me from following the plan to the fullest. If I sabotaged myself then I was never surprised by the result. Tomorrow, I don't know what the result will be because I refused to be sabotaged this time.

But I am hopeful, but more than that I am determined. To that end I have made myself 2.5 promises about tomorrow.

1. I will continue to follow the plan next week no matter what the outcome.
2. I will celebrate that I have accomplished a solid week on plan regardless of the number on the scale.
2b. Celebrate does not mean eat food.

I can keep those promises.

I'll keep you posted. I imagine it will be an interesting experience tomorrow. I'm hoping for a good number its true, but I am promising myself to keep on with the fight no matter what.

Getting to know you - Friend Making Monday

2012-01-09T22:10:00.003-06:00

I need a break from the emotional roller coaster that my first week of Weight watchers is giving me. Or at least I need a break on the blog. I'm still on track for points and I worked out today too. Things are going fine, but I just don't want to talk about it too much today. So I thought I would do more of a get to know you blog for those who are finding yourself here.

Conveniently, a blogger I follow over at All the Weigh has a little link up called:

The rules are simple: answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see the FMM questions and answers. Blog readers can add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. This week's topic:

FMM: Getting To Know You

1) What is one of your favorite ways to spend a Saturday? Ideally sleeping in, but since having children I just like Saturdays to be family days to reconnect be rejuvenated.

2) List your top three favorite TV shows. The Big Bang Theory, Dr. Who, and a rotating host of reality competition shows - particularly cooking and fashion ones, i.e. Top Chef, Project Runway, etc

3) Would you rather be in pictures or take them? Probably taking them, but I do want to be in plenty to document my presence in my son's childhood, not just that mom was behind a camera. It is a hard balance to find.

4) Why do you blog? I blog to find my voice and make sure that I remain myself. Secondarily, to connect to an amazing community of bloggers.

5) Share five websites that you visit regularly…

6) If you could have lunch with one person from your Twitter list who would it be? Wil Wheaton @wilw

7) List a few of your favorite snacks. Cheese - of all sorts. Ice cream. Chips. Obviously I have to find new healthier options.

8 ) Do you have a pet? If so, what kind? Two cats - Doppler and Tsumani

9) Which three material possessions would you struggle to live without? My phone, books/my library card, my car

10) What’s your favorite drink? It used to be diet coke, but I gave up soda 7 months ago. Now, sparkling flavored water.

11) Do you enjoy cooking? Not as much as I enjoy eating. I'm working on it.

12) Do you have children? One - E, aka the Toddler, aka little Goat

13) What are your favorite hobbies? Blogging, reading, writing, and slowly I'm learning to like working out.

14) Would you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing? Pretty shy at first, mostly because I feel awkward in person.

15) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change? The biggest thing I'd like to change is my weight/health and I'm working on that. Other than that, I'd really like to be less of a procrastinator.

16) Who is your favorite actor/actress? Not sure. Depends on the movie/role.

17) What’s the coolest thing you’ve done this week? I hope the coolest thing will be a good loss at my weigh in on Wed. We'll see.

18) Do you live near your family or far from them? My parents are about 5 hours away. Mr. Goat's parents are about 1 hour away. Our siblings are more spread out, but we manage to see each other fairly regularly.

19) List three of your talents. Writing, trumpet playing, cards/games

20) What is your greatest attribute? I am slow to anger, quick to forgive and very loyal to my friends.

I'd love it if you played along. Even if you just leave some highlights in the comments here. I love knowing how might be out there reading these random thoughts of mine!

Aha moment

2012-01-08T23:47:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I had an unplanned lunch out - Beef Brisket sandwich and fries at one of those places that could be on "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives." It was delicious but put in me well over my daily points and took up a good chunk of my weekly points.
It was good and I didn't go over my total points so therefore ok by the plan.

Today I had a lunch of Eggs, cheese and veggies - peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli. Total points for all I ate? 11 pts.

After each meal I was just as full.

Both were delicious.

"Aha." I said. "Aha, I can make better choices, be full and still enjoy eating"

Sometimes progress is yummy.

Something other that Weight Watchers?

2012-01-07T22:39:00.000-06:00

I want to avoid this little blog of mine turning into a healthy living weight loss blog. No I really hope I am able to post some success in this manner I don't want to become a broken record. I am more than that I know. But right now, trying to figure out this healthy living is all I think about. I am checking and rechecking my points for the day. I'm tracking and getting to the gym and generally agonizing about whether I am eating too much or too little or what. The past two days I've had to dip significantly into my weekly points and it has me stressed out.

But I keep telling myself not to worry. Or trying to. I am not over my points yet and if I focus I won't go over my points either. There is still some room to spare. And I need to remember I haven't fallen off the program just because I made a few less-than-stellar choices. I'm not even over my total points.

I think the fear dwells in this: I've done Weight Watchers before, albeit in a half-hearted way. I never had much success, probably because of said half-hearted way. I am really afraid that even giving it my best effort I will not be successful. Somewhere it seems like sabatoge would be easier than the realization that I can't lose weight. It is absurd I know and in realizing it I'm doing my best to fight against that fear. I've never had a full week "on plan" so how could I even know. And I am going to see it through to see what happens.

I just hope I lose something. Wednesday seems forever away.

Like I said, I hope to talk about something other than my weight on this blog. And I hope that I will soon. But right now, that's what I've got.

Angry at a Turkey Sandwich

2012-01-06T12:53:00.000-06:00

I realize that processing my emotions will be crucial for my journey but what I write here may sound a little absurd to those who don't have emotional eating related issues.

Today at lunch I was MAD at my subway turkey sandwich - with cheese, no mayo, honey mustard. I have the points for that sandwich. It was a good sandwhich, but I wanted to throw it across the room.

Why?

Minutes before I was in Target purchasing the things I needed for Sunday School this week. I had a shopping list that took me down the candy aisle, and the chip aisle, and the baked goods, and the ice cream aisle. Not to mention the Starbucks in the Target.

I made good choices and got only what I needed for Sunday School. For myself (on my own dime) I got some Extra Dessert Delights Gum.

But later when eating my sandwich it made me mad. It made me mad that I *had* to eat this while millions of people are shoving delicious bad-for-you foods in their mouths around the world. It made me mad that mayo is 3 points. And that the real work ahead of me means that I need to eat like this FAR more often and the other things need to be occasional budgeted treats.

Really, I know I'm more mad at myself than at a turkey sandwich. This is a mess of my own creation, and I need to do the hard work to get out of it.

The sandwich was good. Loaded with veggies and well within my lunch points range. I'm still on plan and actually doing well following it, but there are untapped emotions swirling around right now and I need to figure out a way to feel them and not let them derail me.

It is hard. And that makes me mad. But I'm not giving up.

Two events of yesterday

2012-01-05T18:30:00.002-06:00

Two things happened yesterday of note. Well probably more than that, but two that I am going to share with you know.

1. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting and weighed in and got the ball officially rolling for what I hope to be a road to a healthier me.

It was strange sitting in that meeting. I've gone to them before and often used humor (often self-deprecating) and hiding in the back of the room as my defenses of choice. The desire to crack a few jokes certainly came in to play a few times, but I have to say I feel engaged and interested in how people make it work. (According to #WW words that describe foods that *MAY* be bad for you include - Au Gratin, Fried, Crispy, etc. REALLY #WW? Fried food is BAD for me? LOL) (P.S. Unfortunately that list does include some of my very favorite food words...Au Gratin....mmmmmm)

Maybe it was seeing people slink in after the holidays that gave me some comfort too. This is a long process. I'll be slinking sometime very soon, but the important part is to slink. It was comforting too, to see the number I'm starting with and realize it was a few small pounds lighter than I expected. Not good by any stretch, but not my heaviest. And that I will take!

2. During my church program last night a Kindergartener came up to me, grabbed my mom-belly belly fat with both hands and said loudly "You're Fat!"

I have to admit, I am never sure how to respond to things like that. I know how I would respond to my OWN child, but I'm his mom and can tell him exactly how rude and hurtful words can be - when said to myself or others. But I never know how to respond when it is another child, particularly one who I am supposed to be teaching, mentoring and looking after in a church program. (Sadly, similar things have happened like this before.)

And here is the thing, the kid is speaking the truth. I am fat. I know that, everyone knows it. It is an observable fact. Kids are taught to tell the truth, and often are known for pointing out the obvious. But it is hard to have the moment of realizing that it IS true. It does hurt.

Now why do I bring up these two stories together?

There have been times in my life when either of these events would send me straight for my two friends Ben and Jerry. Weigh ins are traumatic when you are this big. Meetings in the face of the success of others can be challenging when you are struggling. Insensitivity and hurtful words, especially the true ones, can be embarrassing and shaming.

But yesterday instead I ate the points I was allotted. Filled up on water and veggies and said to myself, "I got this." And just this second I do. So someone remind me of THIS when I maybe reach a place where I don't.

Yes. I am fat. But I'm working on being fit instead. And so long as I am working on it, it cannot fully define me.

P.S. Though parents? Be sure to teach your kids that just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be said. MmmmKay?

Wordless Wednesdays: Some of the things I choose NOT to eat today

2012-01-04T14:13:00.001-06:00

I had my first weigh in today and numbers continue to be hard, but this is a celebration. Just look at a glimpse of all that I choose NOT to eat at a work lunch today. And that didn't even count the fudge right above these goodies. Pushing on, one day at a time.

Choices

2012-01-03T09:14:00.002-06:00

(source)

In the spirit of the New Year, I'm rebooting my healthy living efforts. Frankly it needed to be started long before now but I had to spend some energy getting more mentally/emotionally healthy. Now that my head is in the game it is time to get the body in the game too.

So, I joined Weight Watchers. I've been doing it for 4 days so far and feeling my way around. My first meeting is tomorrow morning. Including the weigh in. But it is time to face the music and reclaim control of that number.

"What's different right now?" you might ask.

It is true, I've tried this before, even with weight watchers, but it feels different now. I think the difference is that I realized this is my choice. Obvious yes, but it is my choice to eat or to focus on what is more important - being healthy, losing weight, getting my body ready to be pregnant again some day. I want to be a mother to my son, a wife to my husband, and to have more kids. I'm 32 and had 1 high risk pregnancy. The time is now to make the change.

And I have the choice. And somehow during these four days every better choice I've made has made it that much easier to make the next better choice. I'm sure I'll have really hard days, and I'm sure that I will stumble.

But I am in control of my own choices. And my choice is to lead a healthy life. Now I just have to find the ability to make it happen.

Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be talking about this more often!

Book Challenge 2011 wrap up

2012-01-02T11:59:00.000-06:00

Another year is in the books and I finished a grand total of 68 books this year. Honestly I feel like there might be one or two more that I forgot to write down, but no matter, it is pretty close. And 68 books is no laughing matter, so I'm pretty good with this. Also it means I've 358 books in the last 6 years. Not shabby at all. Most of all I enjoy reading all these books. It quiets my brain over lunch, and settles my patience during the naptime drama. So I'm going to keep on reading. As always I'm happy to recommend my favorites if anyone wants to know. Some stand outs this year were The Hunger Games Trilogy (partly read in 2010), The Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, State of Wonder by Ann Patchett, and Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok.

Now onto the list for 2012 - once I finish a book that is. Happy Reading.

50 Book Challenge 2011

1. The Lacuna: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver
2. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
3. The Piano Teacher by Janice Y. K. Lee
4. Walking the Bible: A Photographic Journey by Bruce Feiler
5. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Ann Lamott
6. The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan
7. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin
8. Traveling with Pomegranates: A Mother and Daughter Journey to the Sacred Places of Greece, Turkey, and France by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor
9. A View from the Back Pew: God, Religion & Our Personal Quest for Truth by Tim O'Donnell
10. The Girl in the Gatehouse by Julie Klassen
11. Leaping Beauty: And Other Animal Fairy Tales by Gregory Maguire
12. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
13. The Unquiet Bones: The first chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, surgeon by Melvin Starr
14. Shades of Milk and Honey by Mary Robinette Kowal
15. Mom: A Celebration of Mothers from StoryCorps by Dave Isay
16. A Corpse at St. Andrew's Chapel: The Second Chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, Surgeon by Mel Starr
17. The Heretic's Daughter: A Novel by Kathleen Kent
18. The Fiddler's Gun by A.S. Peterson
19. The Fiddler's Green by A. S. Peterson
20. Stories: All-New Tales by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio
21. Moonglass by Jessi Kirby
22. Big Red Tequila by Rick Riordan
23. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
24. My Name Is Child of God...Not "Those People": A First Person Look at Poverty by Julia K. Dinsmore
25. Living Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris
26. Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
27. The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life as an Experiment by A. J. Jacobs
28. The Kane Chronicles, Book Two: The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan
29. Half-Baked: The Story of my Nerves, my Newborn, and How We Both Learned to Breathe by Alexa Stevenson
30. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
31. Viola in Reel Life by Adriana Trigiani
32. Viola in the Spotlight by Adriana Trigiani
33. Dead as a Doornail by Charlaine Harris
34. Possession by Elana Johnson
35. Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner
36. Definitely Dead by Charlaine Harris
37. All Together Dead by Charlaine Harris
38. From Dead to Worse by Charlaine Harris
39. Dreams of Joy: A Novel by Lisa See
40. Crunch Time by Diane Mott Davidson
41. If You Were Here: A Novel by Jen Lancaster
42. State of Wonder by Ann Patchett
43. The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin
44. Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris
45. The Shape of Mercy: A Novel by Susan Meissner
46. Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok
47. Fractured Fairy Tales by A.J. Jacobs
48. The Year of Living like Jesus: My Journey of Discovering What Jesus Would Really Do by Edward G. Dobson
49. Bossypants by Tina Fey
50. The Saturday Big Tent Wedding Party by Alexander Mccall Smith
51. The Broken Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin
52. The First Husband: A Novel by Laura Dave
53. Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
54. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich
55. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
56. Killing Kate by Julie Kramer
57. Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner
58. Heiress by Susan May Warren
59. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
61. The Baker's Wife by Erin Healy
62. The Wilder Life: My Adventures in the Lost World of Little House on the Prairie by Wendy McClure
63. Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan
64. The Penderwicks at Point Mouette by Jeanne Birdsall
65. The Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness
66. The Hum and the Shiver by Alex Bledsoe
67. Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Ann Lamott
68. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

Welcome 2012

2012-01-01T12:33:00.004-06:00

Well, I managed to stay awake until 12 midnight last night, kiss Mr. Goat a Happy New Year and I promptly rolled over and went to sleep. This is the life of married folks with small kids I suppose. Little goat graciously slept in and now he and I are hanging in our pajamas while Mr. Goat and Papa are at the Vikings game. So far 2012 is off to a good start.

2011 was a good year over all, but it had a lot of tough parts. I'm looking forward to 2012 and making it a year to commit to getting healthier overall - mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. And best of all Mr. Goat and I are on the same page. This is the year to figure it out - what works may ultimately look differently for each of us, but this is the year to begin making it a priority.

So to that end, and in honor of 2012 here are 12 things I want to keep in my mind this year as I commit again to becoming more healthy. These are not resolutions per se, but simply things that I need to remember for me to be successful.

1. Healthy living is not an all-or-nothing proposition. Balance is necessary.

2. Go easy on myself when I make a mistake - this is hard stuff, mistakes happen but get derailed long-term.

3. Start everyday over again. This is a one-day-at-a-time sort of process.

4. Ask questions, ask for advice. People want to help me and it will help me stay accountible.

5. Family demands will change your plans, be flexible and find new ways to make things work.

6. Being hungry sometimes is NOT that big a deal. Listen to what your stomach is really saying.

7. Drink your water - it always helps.

8. Little goat deserves a mother with more energy.

9. Even if I manage to lose a pound a week all year that is 52 pounds. Little efforts grow to big changes!

10. Track my food. It really is a key to success.

11. Keep an eye on my emotions - they trigger unnecessary eating far more often than hunger.

12. I am worth it.

12 things to keep in mind. I'll need to print these out and remind myself of them. What would you add to this list?

2012 is the time to do it. So far I've joined weight watchers again, tracked my breakfast and am drinking my water. Those are easy things, but it makes a big difference. Join me on the journey this year?

In which I am an idiot

2011-12-29T14:00:00.003-06:00

Also I cannot count.

Or rather, I can count, but the computer didn't count properly.

It seems that I am not QUITE at 1000 blog posts because of the 29 non publish (mostly non started) drafts that are still lurking around my blog dashboard. So instead of 1000 being by 1000th post, it was my 970th post and I feel silly. But I'm leaving it up there because I still agree with what it says. The blog helped me find my voice, and my voice needs a little more finding lately. So I'm committing to being back.

Maybe I'll post once a day for all of January to get myself back into it. There are wonderful and exciting things in the world and I want to share again. So laugh with me at my inability to count and I hope you come back and see what else is in store!

1000

2011-12-29T12:16:00.001-06:00

Despite my blogging hiccups an amazing number has come to the blog.

One thousand.

As in 1000 blog entries over the last six years. Here it is 6 years of thoughts and growth and memories out there on the interwebs, but more importantly it has been 6 years to find my voice.

Sometimes my voice is quiet, whispering secrets in the dark hoping others catch them and hold them close for me.

Sometimes my voice is ranty, angry at the company, person or world that seeks to hurt, oppress, or destroy.

Sometimes my voice is frustrated, at the goals unmet and the weight unlost.

Sometimes my voice is hopeful, with new opportunities to grow and thrive.

Sometimes my voice is one of a mother, a wife, a friend, a church worker, a geek.

Sometimes my voice falters and I go away for a while to find out where it went.

Sometimes my voice is poetic, sometimes it is raw, sometimes it is wounded, sometimes it is strong.

But it is my own and I love the voice I've found.

And I don't want to lose the power, healing, and community that this blog has given me, so I am planning my come back. I want to embrace my voice and make sure my voice is part of the choir of voices in the world. The choir isn't the same with out my voice. It isn't the same without yours.

So in 2012 I am going to sing here again.

Happy 1000 posts to me, here is to another 1000!

2011-12-26T20:09:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the Goat Family.

I hope to blog more in the New Year, but either way, I'll be around here from time to time at least.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Mr. Goat's Choir

2011-12-14T11:54:00.001-06:00

This is a clip from the choir Mr. Goat sings in - Magnum Chorum. Their Christmas concerts are this weekend and they are going to be great. If you want to bask in the holiday glow you should come. You can find more info here.
See what the buzz is all about! from Magnum Chorum on Vimeo.

How did we get here?

2011-11-29T16:01:00.000-06:00

I've been saying that little goat is two and a half for nearly 5 months now. It might be time to change the words I am using. The fact of the matter is that he turned 33 months last week, or 2 and 3/4, or "ACK MY BABY IS ALMOST THREE!!"

I'm in a little bit of denial, but there is no denying how much he has learned and grown. He is a joy and a wonder and surprises me every day. So there are things I want to remember about him just as he is now:

He will eat raw broccoli, green beans and a host of other things, but it better not have chicken or turkey near it or we will spit it out.
He makes me invisible mac and cheese for breakfast - using his tool bench and circular saw as the kitchen.
He takes my trumpet ornament off the tree and pretends to play it.
He knows all of the trains in Thomas (or so it seems) and is willing to correct you in all matters train if you have it wrong.
He does somersaults just because he can.
He loves having his nails and toes painted by Aunt Mimi and showing them to the world.
He sings to the songs from our music class - surprisingly in tune and on beat, even if the words aren't quite right. He also plays a mean set of shaker eggs.
He has girls who adore him - at daycare, at church, everywhere. They range in age from 1 yr to 90 yrs. He flirts with them all! He is a ladies man!
He doesn't quite get that at a certain point mom wins an "debate" about what he wants, just because she is mom. But I love his tenacity not to always except the world as it is. (But listen to mom kid, ok?)
He loves to look at pictures of "Baby Goat" on the computer, so we spend a lot of time on facebook going through old pictures. I see them and marvel at this boy and this journey for him and me and our whole family. How did we get here? I don't seem to remember but I look at each and every picture below and know in my heart that it is my same boy, but I honestly can't fathom how we got from the first picture to the last one.

Soon it will be Christmas and then before I know it I will have a three year old. I am not sure I am ready, but this boy, he is ready for anything. And he gives me the courage to be too. I'm not sure how we got here, but I've loved the journey and look forward to the next adventures.

Thanksgiving Weekend According to Cell phone pictures

2011-11-27T23:09:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving Meal at the ILs

Little Goat Made Pilgrim Hats

Then he took over Friday and Saturday in Pajamas

Finally we got our first tree up in the new house..on Advent 1 (earliest ever)

Now sleep. I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving. I am going to bed very thankful for the entire weekend and all the wonderful family and friends in my life.

A very useful engine

2011-11-21T16:02:00.001-06:00

If you have a toddler boy chances are you know this shifty character above. He's none other than Thomas the Tank Engine. He and his friends have taken over our house and during the latest bout of the plague that has gone through our house he's been a source of comfort, both on the TV and in our "action figure" form. (Seriously the diapers gone through in the last week...I just don't want to talk about it).

And 95% of me has no problem with Thomas and his train cohorts. Oh sure, Sir Topham Hatt gives me the creeps, but mostly the lessons are about sharing, helping, caring, etc. But there is one major issue I've discovered I have with it.

Each and every train is striving to be a really useful engine. In fact they work on it so far that they seek to be the MOST useful engine on the island.

Now there is nothing wrong with being "useful" in a train world. That is what trains are built for, but as we antrhopomorphize them I wonder what message we are sending our kids. So much of my current issues with depression seem to gather around my percieved expectations as a wife, mother, employee, and citizen. I struggled with not doing enough of what I feel I ought to be doing. There is just too much. And how common is it for us to feel that we are not good enough at parenthood, or work, or cleaning, or anything. I contribute to society's message that I ought to be doing it all as a mother. I really want to be a "useful engine."

But the reality is that I would much rather be known as a kind engine, a loved and loving engine, a gracious and grateful engine, a giving engine. Those are much more important than being useful.

Now my son doesn't seem to pick up on this as he's too busy pointing out TUNNELS, GORDON, TRACKS, etc... but I notice it. And I'm not sure I buy that being useful is the best way to define even a train.

Reading too much into a cartoon? Probaby. But gosh darn it, I think there are more important things than being useful.

Being Found

2011-11-16T09:15:00.001-06:00

There is something about choosing to not hide any longer that is scary. I wrote a post yesterday and was fearful of sending it out there. I know why - it is hard to be vulnerable in today's world. It is hard to say, "right now, I'm not ok" and leave it out there for the world to see. I wasn't so much worried about the grace that my friends would give me in knowing, and grace they did. The calls, and comments, and messages I received yesterday were a powerful wave of love to get me through the difficulty of being so open and vulnerable. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. As my dad said last night on the phone, "You have some really great friends."

Yes, I do.

It is people who are willing to love me while broken and vulnerable, as God loves us in our brokenness, that give me the strength to admit that I'm not ok, or that I wasn't ok but am working on getting ok again. You've given me grace that I cannot always give myself. And yes, I want to meet for coffee and lunch and walks and chats. I want to be out there and myself - even if I'm a little broken down right now.

Even that is a change - I WANT - to do things. I don't want to go about the motions for appearance sake. I want to do the things I love again.

I'm not "cured." I'm still broken and battered but I want to build myself up again. And I am so thankful that I can do it with all of you.

Thank you for your grace and your love and your acceptance.

And I hope that in sharing maybe someone else can realize they are hiding in plain sight too. I was amazed by how many people shared they were familiar with what I was going through. We shouldn't be afraid to share our struggles, there are people out there who understand and want to help.

I want to help because I need help myself.

You don't have to stay hidden. People want to come find you, but they need to know that you are hiding. Let yourself be found and loved. You are not alone.

I am not alone.

And makes it a beautiful, better, albeit still broken, day.

Hiding

2011-11-15T09:07:00.001-06:00

Nearly every morning, little goat comes into our room, turns on all the lights to wake us up (we've been busy hitting snooze) and hops into our bed to hide under our covers.

"Hiding!" he calls loudly, asking in that one word for you to come find him under the blankets where he feels invisible despite the toddler size lump now in the middle of the bed.

So I look for him, gasping as I find him as he squeals in delight of surprising mommy. Then we do it again. And again. Sometimes we hide together and sing songs under the covers as daddy hops in the shower. Wheels on the Bus in a duet under a duvet.

The thing about his hiding though is that he knows he will be found. He knows I will look for him, again and again and I will find him, tickle him and laugh along side him. He knows.

I've been hiding a lot lately, but no one (or very few people) knew. But instead of a visible lump under the covers my hiding was a lot more subtle. I was hiding in plain sight. Oh, you could see me, and talk to me and I went about the business of being mommy, and wife, and coworker and friend. But the truth is I was suffocating under a blanket of my own creation, desperately wondering if someone would come find me.

Mostly because I could not seem to find myself. I was hiding so deeply that I'd forgotten where I was, like hidden Halloween candy stumbled upon months later.

I was wrapped in a blanket of sadness, doubt, overwhelming guilt and expectation, of being less than. And the more I stayed in that blanket the more I believed it and the parts of me that I treasure and cherish seemed to fall away into nothing.

The more I stayed under the blanket the less I became me and the more hidden I was from the world and from myself.

A "less than" me.

And it took months to realize that this "less than" me had a name....depression.

I didn't realize. I wasn't unhappy after all. Just so very tired of being "less than" and acutely aware that I didn't seem to change it. The more "less than" I became, the less I could fight against the blanket weighing me down.

I was hiding in plain sight unable to be found.

And one day I realized that if no one knew I was hiding, no one would know to come look for me. So I had to look for myself.

And I made some calls and did some talking and looked at some options. And said that I was going to stop hiding.

Today I still feel some how "less than" I was, but I am "more than" the day before. And that is a good start. And more importantly, I'm sharing that I am hiding, so that maybe people know to look for me.

And I can continue to be found.

Not a "less than" me.

Just me.

A lump under the covers still but knowing I will be found.

A #justwrite post today because I am tired of hiding in plain sight.

Wordless Wednesday: Because Grandma Told Me To - Apple Picking Last Month

2011-11-09T11:53:00.000-06:00

Testing

2011-10-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

I'm testing this out. Being back. Diving in again. I've missed this, this corner of the world, this spot of my own, this wardrobe to a world of my own creation. And I've missed my friends here - you - those folks who read my words and gently carry my heart through them.

The truth is that life has seemed hard lately. Not hard because life is bad or the I'm surrounded by tragedy and crisis. Just hard in my own thinking, of my own brain power and motivation and identity. But I'm working on breaking through - with help thankfully.

I don't know how much I have to say yet, or the words that strengthen and not tear away, but I have the courage to try. To be authentically me. So I'm testing this out. I'm testing me out again, rather than the not-so me I've been feeling. Or too-much me? I'm not sure but here I am.

Me.

Such as it is. Testing and Tested and Trying again.

Thanks for waiting.

There and Back again?

2011-10-11T22:55:00.002-05:00

Every night for over a week I go to bed and think, "Darn, I didn't blog today" But the reality is that I'm not feeling it lately. I feel swamped and more than overwhelmed and for the first time since I've started this blog 6 years ago the blog doesn't seem to be a relaxing solution to me. I have blog posts waiting to be written and the desire has turned to apathy.

I really don't like apathy as an emotional response and I'm not sure why I'm there, but for now it's there. And I just can't seem to force myself past it, and I wonder if I even should be trying to. I do love blogging and it has given me so many gifts over the last several years, but I just don't know what or where I want to go right now.

And I don't know whether I have the time to do it either.

In short... Blog questions abound that I don't have answers for. I feel some loyalty to the wonderful community here but wonder if I'm a contributing voice right now. There is so much that I am NOT doing right now - working out, eating right, blogging, cleaning, etc. Instead I just tread water to make it through each week a second before the doors clang shut. (Think Indiana Jones).

So I just don't know. I'd love any input you guys have. I suspect I'll be back soon, but right now I can't seem to bring it to the blog. I'm sorry.

I'll be back?

Random Thoughts

2011-10-03T23:16:00.000-05:00

It is time for some Random Thoughts - aka, I have lots to say but no time to write! Ready? Here goes...

* Why is it that the CIA has radio commercials recruiting for jobs right now? I've heard them on my commute in several times in the last several weeks and they just baffle me. I mean doesn't the job require a bit more than being able to listen to the radio? I assume they have an extensive job hiring process but it still strikes me as odd every time.

* I co-hosted a shower for a friend expecting twins yesterday. It was a good shower and the cake was super cute. It read "Twice the blessing, twice the fun," although since yesterday Mr. Goat has been going around saying "Twice the blessing, twice the poop" Which is also true but also not quite cake appropriate.

* Today I found a pair of boots that fit, with the help of @fabuliss and her #bootup event. I'll post pictures this week, but this is the first time in an over 3 year search that I found a pair of boots I could wear. It almost makes up for the price tag! Still, this is huge

* I am sad thinking about a friend who will likely lose a brother soon. It isn't necessarily a bad thing as it has been a long time coming but still a sad thing.

* I am loving the lovely 70 degree fall weather lately. It could stay this way for a LONG time please!

* But since I am a realist, does anyone have a working snow blower they want to get rid of?

* Time to buy some chapstick though.

* Speaking of radio commercials, there is one for "shift work syndrome" that i hear sometimes driving home. It talks about shift work workers having trouble with sleeping and sleepiness, it goes on to tell them to try this pill and then goes on to list every side effect in the world as a risk for this pill. Seems like a tough fix for a little sleepiness.

* The Packers are 4-0 and the Brewers are in the playoffs. Glad I'm still a WI girl at heart in this pretty sad MN sports season. Of course my Packers will always be team number 1 in my heart.

* Also the Lions are 4-0. What is up with that?

* Hey look, the football game is over, that must mean it is time for bed. Good night blogland, sweet dreams!

Wordless Wednesday: Big Boy Bed

2011-09-28T14:41:00.000-05:00

So a few weeks ago we got Little goat his big boy bed after spending labor day weekend trying to make a decision. Little goat loves it and transitioned in a split-second beautifully. We now have no more trouble with bedtime than we did before. A fact that makes mama very very grateful.

The bed most often looks like this:

Just Write Again

2011-09-27T12:15:00.000-05:00

The wagon seems to rolled off and left me in the dust. I stand in the rutted road at a perpetual fork. On the one hand a road of health...muddy, full of potholes, and snakes waiting in the weeds. On the other a road of the easy way - lined with chocolate bricks, edged by cheese mountains: a candy-colored paradise. The colors of the easy way are bright and distracting. They speak in gollum-y whispers. "Waaaaait. There is always tomorrow. Come to the dark side, we have cookies. My preciousssssss."

If, when, no if, I stop to look closely at the easy way path the colors become a little too bright - like an evil queen's apple laced with poison. The hologram of the easy way shimmers a bit as if to remind me it is only an illusion. The end of the easy way path becomes very hard after all.

Still the brightness distracts me. Who doesn't long to frolic in Willy Wonka's factory? One little detour can't hurt me...can it? Except it can, and it does. It wounds me and wraps its claws through my brain - rewiring the system while its up there.

Then time passes and the dust clears and I look up from a mess of wrappers, blinking, trying vaguely to remember what happened and how I got here, again, or if I ever really left at all. And looking up I still stand at that damn fork in the road.

I look off at the wagon tracks that have rolled into the distance, obscuring my recent hope of success. There are friends on that wagon I know. Sometimes I wish I could just get them to slow down a little in their own success so I don't feel so alone at the fork. Or do I just want them to justify a bit more poisoned apple? But I am happy for them and cheer them on from behind, hoping they still hear me way back at the horizon.

And I stand at the fork. Again. For the First Time. Again.

The road to health, following that wagon, is messy. It is icky. It is so much harder than even the last time. Every time I look away it seems to get longer, stretching on for months, years, a lifetime. I never seem to be able to look for very long.

But deep down it is the road that I want to travel: to take each step through the mud and the muck and mire and away from the illusion.

Don't look down, don't look away. Try to forget the candy colored whispers of the other path.

Take a step. One step.

Again.

For the first time.

Again.

Because Heather said to just write, and my heart needed to remind me today.

Things I love today

2011-09-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

Things I love today:

* Pancake breakfast with my son on a Monday after our early morning dentist appointment.
* The way little goat took a spare piece of Mr. Goat's "real" model train track and prefers to run his trains along it instead of the wooden train tracks that came with it.
* That How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory are back on the air.
* The Packers are 3-0.
* Really good books.
* Words with Friends (I'm Lutherliz)
* Clean sheets available when needed
* Iced nonfat hazelnut lattes
* Productive Mondays

Out of the loop

2011-09-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

Whew. I think I need a nap. It goes without saying that fall is a crazy time for families and for those of us with Children's programming (school, church or other) it is just as crazy. I've been up to my ears with evening meetings, trains, and all sorts of important things. When I haven't been at work I've been trying to make up for the "solo parent" role that Mr. Goat has been forced to take on. All in all I'm exhausted.

As always the first thing that goes is being online. The blog goes silent. So does twitter and facebook and I feel bad that I feel so out of the loop with my blogland friends lives. I want so badly to be up to date with everyone and to have lovely things to say....hopefully soon.

1 in 45 seconds

2011-09-18T23:13:00.001-05:00

I've got to tell you, there are tons of worthwhile causes out in the world. Lots of people and groups who need someone with money, power and the network to really help.

I don't have the money, power or the network but in preparing for our Sunday School Mission this year I learned a startling statistic that has stuck with me for weeks and I think you should know it too:

1 child dies of Malaria every 45 seconds.

One child every 45 seconds dies of a completely treatable and preventable disease. Most of those kids are in Africa, but can also be in Southern Asia, South America and other areas. Typically non-wealthy countries.

I don't know what to do with this knowledge yet, or knowing that it used to be 1 child in every 30 seconds. It's progress but it doesn't seem like enough somehow.

I'm a numbers girl, let's look at them:

43200 seconds in a day
960 children who die from Malaria EVERY DAY
or
350,400 kids who die each year from this disease.

and did I mention is is treatable and preventable?

I'm glad our Sunday School kids are doing things this year, in tandem with the ELCA Malaria Campaign, but I feel like I should do more. So I am putting it out there for you, I do have a blog to share my sadness about this with you. I know you are asked for many many things but if this statistic disturbs you as much as it does me I hope that you have a few dollars to spare for the children. No giveaways, no pats on the back, just the knowledge that you helped someone halfway across the world.

I made it to 50

2011-09-15T11:51:00.001-05:00

Somehow or another I've made it to 50 books already this year, with over 3 whole months to go! You should be impressed particularly since I've had enough trouble finding blogging time over the last several months in particular. But I've made it so far and I'll keep the list up through the rest of the year. I wonder where I'll end up in my totals this year?

If you want to know some of my favorites so far this year here they are: Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok, State of Wonder by Ann Patchett, Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, The Fiddler's Gun and The Fiddler's Green by A. S. Peterson. But really there are a LOT of good books on this list!

And of course, book recommendations are always welcome!

50 Book Challenge 2011

1. The Lacuna: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver
2. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
3. The Piano Teacher by Janice Y. K. Lee
4. Walking the Bible: A Photographic Journey by Bruce Feiler
5. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Ann Lamott
6. The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan
7. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin
8. Traveling with Pomegranates: A Mother and Daughter Journey to the Sacred Places of Greece, Turkey, and France by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor
9. A View from the Back Pew: God, Religion & Our Personal Quest for Truth by Tim O'Donnell
10. The Girl in the Gatehouse by Julie Klassen
11. Leaping Beauty: And Other Animal Fairy Tales by Gregory Maguire
12. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
13. The Unquiet Bones: The first chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, surgeon by Melvin Starr
14. Shades of Milk and Honey by Mary Robinette Kowal
15. Mom: A Celebration of Mothers from StoryCorps by Dave Isay
16. A Corpse at St. Andrew's Chapel: The Second Chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, Surgeon by Mel Starr
17. The Heretic's Daughter: A Novel by Kathleen Kent
18. The Fiddler's Gun by A.S. Peterson
19. The Fiddler's Green by A. S. Peterson
20. Stories: All-New Tales by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio
21. Moonglass by Jessi Kirby
22. Big Red Tequila by Rick Riordan
23. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
24. My Name Is Child of God...Not "Those People": A First Person Look at Poverty by Julia K. Dinsmore
25. Living Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris
26. Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
27. The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life as an Experiment by A. J. Jacobs
28. The Kane Chronicles, Book Two: The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan
29. Half-Baked: The Story of my Nerves, my Newborn, and How We Both Learned to Breathe by Alexa Stevenson
30. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
31. Viola in Reel Life by Adriana Trigiani
32. Viola in the Spotlight by Adriana Trigiani
33. Dead as a Doornail by Charlaine Harris
34. Possession by Elana Johnson
35. Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner
36. Definitely Dead by Charlaine Harris
37. All Together Dead by Charlaine Harris
38. From Dead to Worse by Charlaine Harris
39. Dreams of Joy: A Novel by Lisa See
40. Crunch Time by Diane Mott Davidson
41. If You Were Here: A Novel by Jen Lancaster
42. State of Wonder by Ann Patchett
43. The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin
44. Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris
45. The Shape of Mercy: A Novel by Susan Meissner
46. Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok
47. Fractured Fairy Tales by A.J. Jacobs
48. The Year of Living like Jesus: My Journey of Discovering What Jesus Would Really Do by Edward G. Dobson
49. Bossypants by Tina Fey
50. The Saturday Big Tent Wedding Party by Alexander Mccall Smith

Wordless Wednesday: Thank you for serving...and making a little boy smile.

2011-09-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

Just Write

2011-09-13T21:57:00.003-05:00

A blank page and a blinking cursor.

Why is it that when taking the time to write, to share, the mind goes blank. It is far from blank at midnight when it goes a mile a minute. Then it tumbles over itself. Frantic. Did I? Remember to. What about? Don't forget!

But given a moment in time and a chance to think and process and create...

Silence.

Yet, when you sit in silence you begin to notice that the silence isn't quite. There are ghost notes of thoughts shimmering in your brain.

I reach, grasping for them, bringing them down to where I can hear them. Tuning them in on my brain waves, searching in static.

Listen to the hints of melody and then just write:

This morning little goat woke up 10 minutes before my alarm would start going off. Instead of an alarm, and a snooze (or three), I am coaxed awake by the smallest voice calling from his room. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy"

Relief, he calls for Dad first. My wake up can be moments longer as I fight off the cobwebs. There wasn't enough sleep last night, it seems there never is. In the world of introverts the time to sit often becomes more important at night than to crawl into bed when one ought.

Still alarm or not, I hoist myself out of bed. I'm on daycare duty today so I hop in the shower. Those ten extra minutes become the ability to shave my legs and to breath under the water before facing the day. But before I can face the day I look down to a face peering in on my moment.

It hits me then, my moment as not the part about being alone with my thoughts, but the moment instead when he comes to look for me. Daddy he calls, but he knows Mama is there ready to be found.

Sometimes I look for those moments alone. It isn't avoiding others, but finding myself again. But in my own finding I can be hidden as well.

But he always comes to look for me.

I am found.
In a moment.
Mama once more.

Just where I wish to be. Found within and without. Moments intertwined into identity.

It is good to be found.

Random Thoughts and live blogging the final 2 minutes of the Packer game.

2011-09-08T22:52:00.000-05:00

* Go Pack Go. There are 2 minutes left in the Packer game...I'm hoping we hold it out but have been fairly pleased with the game so far. At least our offense looks great. I ended up in four fantasy leagues this year and in one I have Rodgers, in another Brees, in yet another Greg Jennings and another the Green Bay defense. Luckily I always cheer for the Packers over and above all fantasy stats.

* I've had Sunday School teacher training the last two nights. It is always hard to have back to back meeting nights and miss all of bedtime. But, I really enjoy getting to meet and plan and pray with my Sunday School teachers too. Still, I'm glad that the fall preparations only come around once a year!

* I go get my eyes checked tomorrow for the first time in like 5 years. I'm really dreading the dilation part as I still have LOTS to accomplish after my appointment tomorrow. Hoping my vision is still on point though... with the exception of my crazy crossing eyes.

* Eek, the Saints are going to get the ball back....

* Confession time: I ate fries in September despite it being my September health challenge. But in my defense, I thought it was still August (not September 1st). I have decided to confess to you all and continue on with the challenge (I've been good the rest of the month so far) and add and extra day into October to make up for my error. It feels good to clear my conscience.

*ACK stop them!!! One play left....whew, this is always stressful.

* I want to shout out to my sister who turned in her Ph.D. dissertation this week. Now all she has is her defense and the reviews and she is done. I am so proud of her!

* PASS INTERFERENCE? Nooooooooooooooooooo!

* He didn't get in!!! He didn't get in! Hooray! Go Pack Go! Packers WIN!

* Little Goat's big boy bed should be here early next week. Does any one have any tips for switching from the open sided crib to the bed? Or just make the switch and go for it?

* Now it is late. Football games are intense, but I'm so glad that the season is back. But I think it is time to stop the randomness and head to bed. Yay bed!

Wordless Wednesday: What do you mean we don't get the NFL network?

2011-09-07T06:00:00.004-05:00

Labor Day Weekend: Family Sabbath

2011-09-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful weekend. Why was it wonderful you may ask? For a very special reason...there was NOTHING on the calendar.

For months the Goat family has been going, and going, and going. It's been a fun summer but not a very restful one. I can't remember the last time we didn't have something on the docket for a weekend and the rest of September is a mess of meetings and appointments too. But this weekend was a glorious rest from our labors.

Which isn't to say we rested, but in all we did we did it together as a family - just the three of us.

We shopped for and ultimately chose Little Goat's big boy bed.
We went to the St. Paul Farmers market and feasted off the spoils all weekend long - tonight Heritage Pork St. Louis Ribs, Fried okra, fingerling potatoes, and homemade cucumber dip. Yum.
I got caught up on laundry, and throwing away junk mail.
We played with little goat and spent lots of time being silly.
We attempted to get little goat back on a sleep schedule.
Mr. Goat and I spent nearly 4 hours staring into a firepit after little goat's bedtime last night staying up too late talking about everything.
We went to church and sat together as a family for likely the last time until Christmas (the perils of having a singing husband and working for a church).

It was lovely. A few times we attempted to invite people over for a BBQ...we had tons of food, but everyone was busy on such short notice. Still, I think that was for the best. Prior to this weekend little goat was showing signs of wear with us being gone more than he'd like. It was nice to just sit and be as a family. It doesn't happen nearly enough and I think all of us needed the break.

Tomorrow starts with a bang and we are into the church "school" year. For about 3 weeks my head will be a pinball machine in full TILT. But for 3 days we sat and rested and were together. And I am grateful and blessed for that time.

I hope you all had a rest from your labors this weekend.

The Conversion of Mr. Goat

2011-09-03T21:41:00.001-05:00

For as long as I've known Mr. Goat, he has thought a particular food pairing of mine to be odd. Now mind you it isn't THAT odd. It isn't peanut butter and hot dogs (my friend Mark) or a lot of other peculiarities that people like. It is actually relatively common I think. The pairing?

Maple Syrup and Pork - Maple sausage, bacon dipped in maple syrup, maple glazes...yum.

In fact, Maple can go on just about any breakfast item in my mind. Sweet and Savory. Yes, I've been known to put it on my eggs too, which may be a touch weirder than most.

But really maple and pork doesn't seem that strange does it?

Mr. Goat thought so. My breakfast choices would make him cringe. He just didn't like the combination, though he loves both seperately. So I was resigned that I would have to have my maple/pork when were were out or when I was alone.

And I've managed for the 12 years we've been together to keep my love seperate from family meals.

But the St. Paul Farmer's Market was the scene of a shocking occurance today.

Picture a maple syrup stand with a crowd surrounding it wanting to taste the infused maple syrups (bourbon, vanilla, cinnamon, ginger, etc). I waited with little goat while Mr. Goat wandered ahead. Finally I was at the head of the crowd and was rewarded with a little communion cup of bourbon maple syrup and one of ginger maple syrup. I took a sip and called through the Farmer's Market for Mr. Goat to join me.

(Yes, I actually called for Mr. Goat too. It is much more identifying in a crowd than his extremely common first name).

And I gave him my maple shots to try.

(Little goat got the remnants and he was trying to stick his entire face into the communion cup to get the last drops)

Folks we left with two infused maple syrups of our own and as we were driving away Mr. Goat casually remarks, "We should try that ginger maple syrup on the pork chops we've got at home"

Well, blogland, I'll admit it. I think I may have cackled a bit. And then whole heartedly agreed that it sounded delicious.

And wouldn't you know it...it was. Even Mr. Goat thought so.

It only took 12 years, but this just goes to show you: Change is ALWAYS possible.

(Do you have any weird food pairings that I should try?)

Yo Gabba Gabba Live Winner!

2011-09-03T14:14:00.001-05:00

Well, this morning I drew for the Yo Gabba Gabba Live! winner. I wish I could bring all of the lovely people who entered but alas I just have a single set of tickets to give away. And that winner is.... Comment number 13! Or Liz Skokan who wrote...

What else can I say other than... There's a party in my tummy!!! It works wonders getting picky eater to try new stuff.

Congratulations to Liz, watch your email! And thank you for all who entered our Yo Gabba Gabba Live giveaway! For those who didn't win tickets for Yo Gabba Gabba Live can still be purchased here for their shows on Sept 15th at the State Theatre!

Two and a half

2011-09-02T16:48:00.001-05:00

On my birthday little goat you also happened to turn two and a half. TWO AND A HALF?!?!?! That blows my mind. I feel like each 6 months of your life end up being defining in some way. For example:

1st 6 months - learning to eat and grow - you stayed home with mommy or daddy this whole 6 months and the whole time was seeking to catch up from your slow preemie start.

2nd 6 months - I can MOVE! - sitting up, crawling, eating, etc.

3rd 6 months - TEETH! - transitions - new teeth, new walking, etc.

4th 6 months - Go GO GO! - moving from walking to running everywhere.

5th 6 months - Language - going from a few words into a huge vocabulary with mini sentences.

and now we are at the next 6 month period. What on earth will these 6 months bring?

I do know a few things that will be constants based on what we've learned about each other so far.

If you do something you do it at full speed with 110% effort. If you try to avoid something you also do it at full speed with 110% effort.

You are fearless. And from someone who has fears quite naturally this puts me in awe of you.
So are so social. You love people even if you are sometimes shy. Once you know someone they are worthy of hugs, and playing together and being included in prayers.
Whoa to those who have to try to make little goat do something he doesn't want to do.
Vacation cemented one thing in your head - "Other people have fun once you go to bed" - and now you want to stay up for the party. Because it clearly isn't a party unless you are there. Consquently bedtime has been a real challenge lately, but when you do finally fall asleep you seem to sleep as intensely as you live.

The world is a better place thanks to Barney, Elmo, Blue and the Backyardigans.
If it has a plane, train, truck, boat, or car on it, with it, or nearby we want it.

You are by no means "bad" but you are always testing boundaries. It has hard to be consistent when you are so much more stubborn and determined than I am sometimes. Even when you don't know what you want, you know what you DON'T want very strongly. I'm sure that all kids go through this but it is surprises me the strength - physical and mental - that you are willing to battle against something you don't want to do.
And yet, I can't help but thinking that we are very lucky and blessed with you. Your stubbornness and tenacity still are positive qualities in so many ways.

We've come so far - this little threesome family of ours. I hope you will forgive you mom and dad when we fail you. We always try our best. We wouldn't be the same without you. We might get more sleep, the house might (might) be cleaner, but our lives would be a lot more boring.

Congratulations on being two and a half little goat. I hope the next 6 months are the best ones yet!

32 goals for my 32nd year

2011-08-31T14:31:00.000-05:00

Wow! It is my birthday again! I'm always amazed how fast time seems to fly as an adult, particularly when specific days can drag on seemingly forever! I actually did pretty well with last year's goals, some big ones were crossed off the list which is wonderful. Not everything was accomplished of course so there are a few repeats on this year's lists, but there are some new goals too! If you want to see how I did on previous lists you can see 31 for 31 here and all the others on the sidebar of the blog!

I am really in a good place heading into this birthday. It feels like there are always things to change about yourself to make yourself even more you, but as I grow older I become more comfortable with who I already am. Any of the goals I accomplish this year is icing on the birthday cake as far as I'm concerned!

32 for 32

1. Learn to make homemade spaghetti sauce using our garden's tomatoes.

2. Find an amazing pair of boots that fit (a challenge with "meaty" calves).

3. Go see the new Muppet movie in theaters.

4. Continue to give up soda - no soda all year long.

5. Host a holiday in our own home.

6. Get a real Christmas tree for Christmas. We couldn't do this in our apartment.

7. Figure out a mail system that I can actually keep up on.

8. Find a place to volunteer regularly.

9. Finish unpacking our home.

10. Finish another 5k or two and break the 50 minute mark.

11. Potty train baby goat so he can go to preschool next fall.

12. Track everything I eat for one month minimum.

13. Sew something I can wear.

14. Take a class just for me.

15. Roast a whole chicken. I will do this someday...

16. Attend a professional sports game - baseball, hockey, football, etc.

17. Create a Mama's reading nook.

18. Try weekly meal planning for 1 month.

19. Go on a date once a month with my husband.

20. Find one free-lance writing gig.

21. Take a class with little goat - swimming, music, etc

22. Bake a birthday cake with little goat for Mr. Goat.

23. Go back to the beach.

24. Do a monthly health challenge each month - Sept: No Fries

25. Learn to use a snow blower.

26. Build a snowman in our yard with little goat.

27. Workout with a trainer even if it is just once to get a plan in place.

28. See a dietictian or nutritionist to get a plan in place.

29. Smile more. Laugh more. Sleep more.

30. Don't be embarrassed when I am being me.

31. Keep my car clean.

32. Daily choose grace, peace and joy over anxiety, negative-thinking and doubt.

Yo Gabba Gabba Live Giveaway!

2011-08-26T15:52:00.003-05:00

Last year baby goat and I attended Yo Gabba Gabba Live! with my friend Missy and her children. Despite the fact that he was just one at the time he LOVED the music and the dancing. He had a great time, and all the other kids at the concert did too. So when I was contacted with a chance to giveaway some tickets to one of my readers I knew I had to do it.

You do know about Yo Gabba Gabba right?

I admit, it is one of those shows that both baffles me and delights me. It manages to pull some really fun guest stars, most with small kids of their own, so you KNOW they are doing something right. Some of my favorite episodes have Jake Black, "Weird" Al, and the Roots. And the music is catchy and kids LOVE it.

Yo Gabba Gabba has a lot of the highlights of the show - including all your favorite characters, and plenty of dancing. Even if your children have never seen the show it will definitely catch their imagination, it did with my clueless 1 yr old last year and I know little goat will love it this year too!

And you can too! I have four tickets to giveaway to one lucky reader! The show is Thursday September 15th at the State Theatre at either 3:00pm or 6:00pm (your choice). To enter simply share one of your favorite kids songs - from Yo Gabba Gabba or not! Don't forget to leave your email address too so I can get in touch with you if you win.

But don't stop there! You have THREE chances for extra entries: (Please leave an additional comment for each additional entry).

1. Follow Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek on Google Friend Connect or in an RSS reader.
2. Follow Lutherliz on twitter and tweet about the giveaway.
3. Follow the Lutheran Geek on Facebook.

Good luck to all who enter. The winner will be drawn on Friday September 2nd at 9:00pm. I will choose the winner using Random.org and contact the winner by email.

* Our family was provided tickets to this concert as well but all opinions based on last year's show are my own.

A case of the "afters"

2011-08-25T11:18:00.001-05:00

Ok folks I have a serious case of the Afters. It is quite debilitating and has kept me from making the moves to get healthy lately. What are the Afters you may ask? Allow me to demonstrate...

I'll workout AFTER I get back from vacation.
I'll start tracking my food AFTER my birthday.
I'll get back on track with healthy eating AFTER the state fair.
I'll commit to a 5k AFTER the school year kicks off.

After, After, After.

After is not so much an excuse but a stall tactic, a procrastination tool. The fact of the matter is that I am feeling fat and my clothes are ill fitting. Vacation Bible School, a funeral, vacation, travel, work, all of those things combined in the last two months and frankly I ducked my head and tried to ride it all out. And in that process the things that help me feel better - eating well, drinking water, working out - fell by the wayside. I don't mean that as an excuse, it was reality for a while.

But we are back to normal, or at least as calm and normal as life ever is. And I am dragging my feet. I KNOW it will make me feel better than I do now - sluggish and run down. I know I am healthier for it, but I keep going to the Afters. But you know what, there is always another After available to you. After the birthday and the state fair then we aren't too far from Halloween (candy is already out in stores - a rant for another day), and then Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's day, winter hibernation...

There is ALWAYS an after you can use. But it doesn't make it any less avoiding the situation. I have an bad case of the afters, but I don't want to have it anymore.

The ACTION PLAN:
This weekend is my birthday as well as the State Fair. I'll be walking lots at the State Fair so that is a plus, but I know it will be full of pot holes for me. So here is my three point action plan.

Point 1: Write down everything I eat this weekend - birthday cake, State Fair food, everything.
Point 2: Drink at least 100oz of water each day this weekend.
Point 3: Go to the gym/run outside at least once this weekend.

These may seem like small things, but necessary for me to start SOMETHING and not let the Afters win over my thinking this weekend. Will you help hold me accountable?

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The Green Album

2011-08-24T12:02:00.001-05:00

Ok Go and the Muppets...how can you go wrong?

On the plane

2011-08-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

We flew to NC and back on a non-stop trip to Raleigh. We chose this destination since 1. we had a 3 hr drive to get to our ultimate location no matter where we flew into and 2. non-stop flight with a toddler. Need I say more.

One of the things that made our flight relatively painless was a borrowed CARES Harness. We didn't bring our car seat on the plane but instead this FAA approved device turned little goat's seat belt into a 4 pt harness similar to his normal car seat. This was so helpful because once he was strapped in he did little to fight the seat belt. And let's face it, airplane seat belts aren't hard to open, so this was essential.

Also helpful to our success: Bribery. In this case via Barney DVDs and jellybeans. As a parent you do what you must to survive.

It isn't to say it was entirely smooth, but it really was pretty painless all things considered. Our flight home was better than our flight out, but he was so tired that he took a sizeable nap on the flight back. Unfortunately the 1 yr old in the seat in front of me was not so well behaved. I felt badly for the parents as the child was clearly overtired and yet unable to settle down. I gave them kind looks and offered up little goat's goldfish, and played peek-a-boo over the seat when I could help.

What was interesting was my seatmate. The plane was two seats on each side so little goat and Mr. Goat sat on one side and I got to plane seatmate roulette. And boy, I hit the jackpot in an elderly, sick, opinionated Indian woman. Actually it was plenty enjoyable but I was a little taken a back. As the child in front of us cried the woman kept interrupting the parent's attempts to calm her and demanding a chance to comfort the child herself. I realize that she was just trying to help but it takes a lot to pester a set of parents for the chance to take their child. Worse she kept looking to me to try to translate and help get her point across to the parents. Um sorry, the baby can stay where she belongs lady.

All in all, it was very strange.

But we survived the planes with a toddler and it turned out just fine. Still we aren't headed any place exciting soon. The Goat family is grounded for now, but grateful for our time away.

The Beach Baby

2011-08-19T16:41:00.000-05:00

Clearly he didn't have any fun. And his new favorite word certainly isn't "Beach." He definitely does NOT go around demanding of anyone who will listen, "Beach. More. Go. Suit. Beach. Go."

A bigger recap to come but I need to pack up and get all the sand out of our clothes to get ready for our flight tomorrow. Long story short, fun was had by all. Sunburns by some, but to mama's credit the toddler didn't get a single sunburn! Mom Points!

Seven Stages

2011-08-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

So here we are on vacation. I'm sure that all vacations with children provide endless hours of interesting vacation stories, but I'm am beginning to doubt the that anyone can have a relaxing vacation with a toddler. For example, in our 5 days so far we have been to urgent care once, called poison control once, and watched way more Barney than suits a vacation. And in fact most of these things are related to one central aspect of our vacation-with-toddler that has managed to hold the 8 adults here hostage: Little goat, joy of my heart, seems to be boycotting sleep.

Now I am able write this out because I have spent the better part of an hour coaxing my little one into slumber. And by coaxing, I mean wrestling, crying, fighting and avoiding being kicked. It hasn't been pretty, in fact it has made me very self-conscious and anxious as a mother. To be failing at one of the few things that kids really need in front of all my ILs, well, it is just a little hard to stomach.

There are reasons of course. We've been in different beds. Our meal times our messed up. He's getting more sugar than usual, and there are all sorts of fun things to do other than sleep. Oh yeah, and he has an ear infection. (hence urgent care). I get it. I really do. He's all messed up and it is a symptom of a fun vacation. After all little goat has really taken to the beach. Being outside with the water and the sand is about the only thing he wants to do. But it is taking its toll on me and the whole family's vacation and I feel somewhat responsible.

In bemoaning little goat's lack of sleep however I realized something interesting: getting a toddler to sleep is much like the seven stages of grief. For those who don't know, the seven stages of grief were developed to describe the common responses to grieving that people feel in a loss. They don't have an order and people can jump in and out of stages quickly or in a long time. COmmonly the seven stages are:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

And let me tell you, they don't only apply to grief. They definitely apply to naptime and bedtime as well. Allow me to demonstrate:

Shock or Disbelief
Mama: Little Goat it is time to get ready for bed
LG: WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA! (flailing may or may not occur here)

Denial
After he realizes I am serious he often stops flailing and attempts to continue what ever playing he was doing prior to the announcement. He will play with toys, or try to leave the room and go outside.

Mama: Sorry little dude, it is time for bed.
LG: No mama, beach, water...
Mama: Nope, bedtime, let's go get our pjs on.
LG: No mama, barney, choo-choos, book...no na-nap.

Anger
This stage is often the most difficult as it involves hitting, fighting and tantrums. If you manage to get ready for bed before this stage this can be done safely on the mattress but otherwise limbs may be in danger (yours and the toddler's). This stage is mostly non-verbal.

Bargaining
LG: More book mama. (mama reads a book).
LG: More water mama. (water is retrieved).
LG: Elmo mama. (Stuffed elmo located).
etc.

Until mama decides to break the cycle...often leading back to anger, or onto guilt.

Guilt
As I am not sure that toddler's feel much guilt yet, this seems to change a bit into a guilt trip to the bedtime initiator. Little goat is very good about insisting something is hurting "Owie Mama" or that he is cold, sad or lonely. 9 times out of ten this is a ploy to put off bed even longer.

Depression
This often takes the form of baby goat crying on his bed, finally not trying to escape it, but too upset to even put up the fight any more. Frankly I am always glad to reach this stage. As much as I don't like to hear little goat crying it is a sign to me that we are finally on the way to...

Acceptance
Finally the toddler will recognize that you mean business (2 minutes, 2 hours or 2 days later) and will give in to the sleep process. Generally this is right before your last shred of patience blows away. It may have involved 5 or 6 parental tag outs, but this is a glorious moment as the crying gives way to snoring.

It may be that I am along in this comparison, but right now finding humor in this is the only way I'm making it through. We have a fair amount of vacation left and I'm determined to enjoy it, but little goat (while having fun) is doing his best to make life difficult for the rest of us.

Makes me wish there was an ambien for toddlers.

(Just kidding).

(Well, mostly just kidding).

Love from the beach,
Mama Goat

P.S. Send wine.

Greetings from North Carolina!

2011-08-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

It seems strange to say that I am FINALLY on vacation but it appears that this is now fact. There was a time there I didn't think we'd get everything packed and ready to go but somehow it all came together. We flew in yesterday and little goat did quite well, all things considering. Only some minor seatbelt refusal at the beginning and some ear pain on landing. I will take it. We spent last night and tonight with Mr. Goat's grandmother and tomorrow we pack up and all head to the BEACH!

It seems strange but I can't remember every really having a beach vacation before. At least not this way. I remember visiting my grandfather in FL once but I think we only went to the beach one day of the week. And I've been on a cruise too but again spent only one day on primarily on the beach. I guess I tend to be of the "doing" vacation vein.

BUT...

Tomorrow we hit the beach. I suspect that this will be right up little goat's alley but I have to admit I have some parental anxiety. Yes there are more eyes to watch over him, but sometimes I think more eyes makes everyone a little more lax. And there is the cannal and the beach to worry about. Sharks! Undertow! Sand germs! Jellyfish! Hurricanes! (Ok, yes, I am getting a bit melodramatic, but that's what mom brain's do sometimes.)

Still I am looking forward to sitting under an umbrella with nothing on the schedule but napping, reading and playing with the boy and the extended Goat family. And I hope to play some fun card games and even sneak off for an afternoon to go watch the Harry Potter movie (which I STILL haven't seen. Geek fail!)

Vacations have a cost to pay and I'm sure I'll feel more than a little panicky when I return to work but for a few days I'm just going to enjoy life. I'll try to blog some but I don't know if I'll have internet access or not so we'll just see.

But really, what is the internet when you have unlimited hush puppies and a fruity beverage at your beck and call. (Ok, I'm just dreaming there but it would be lovely).

Hope things go well in my absence. I promise to take a lot of pictures!

Wordless Wednesday: I love my family

2011-08-10T12:10:00.002-05:00

auntie, little goat, grandpa, gramma great, mr goat, me, grandma

2011-08-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling sort of whiny and in the weeds at the moment. I am at the intersection of pre-vacation panic parkway and summer cold lane after all. But I am still excited for vacation and most of what has been keeping me crazy busy is good. So I'm going to blog my way into a better sense of gratefulness. So even sick and stressed I now present:

Liz's Top Ten reasons today was Awesome!
10. The weather was a perfect Minnesota summer day!
9.    We got to eat our first two tomatoes out of our garden!
8.    Grilled burgers with Gouda and the said tomatoes!
7.    Catching up on blogging and Design Star at the same time!
6.    My phone might have finally had its glitches fixed!
5.    I get to watch Little Goat learn to love trains as much as his Father!
4.    Little Goat got a good report from daycare for the first time in a while! (no toy throwing!)
3.    I'm not in a car for 7 hours today!
2.    I got to rescue a small frog who found his way into our basement before the cats found him!
1.    I got a free lunch at Good Earth because there was an ordering mix-up!

Vacation in two days. I can make it!

Bittersweet

2011-08-07T23:31:00.001-05:00

It is late. In a hotel room. We had a 7 hr drive today. Tomorrow is a funeral for my step-Grandfather. But really the step is a formality. He was my Grandfather for 27 years. That is not small change.
It is sad yes, but also joyous. He was 89 and lived a good life. He was kind and gentle and called me Lizzer. Little goat never got to meet him because either he or Papa Fran were too sick the few times we had him in town. I know he would have loved him.

But you know, in sad circumstances I get to see the family that is scattering to the winds. I get to see my aunts and uncles, and little goat gets to be properly spoiled by them. I get to see my cousins - to hear about the new baby, the upcoming wedding, the Bar exam. I get to see my sister before she moves from Michigan (sort of far away) to DC (really far away).

Little goat gets to see who and where we come from and he fits right in, a pea in this gene pod. He is one of us intrinsically and to see the family all together with my grandmother at the center, it makes me smile in my sadness and laugh into my beer.

Tomorrow we'll say goodbye to Papa Fran, but I remain blessed by this family of mine and I hope little goat realizes it too!

Priorities

2011-08-03T22:44:00.000-05:00

Little goat was home today. Daycare was closed so he was supposed to be home anyway, hanging out with Auntie Goat, but it was clear this morning that he had pinkeye. So the doctor was called, cuddles were given and after the nearly 6 hours it took to get on the ped calendar for the day it was clear that I was staying home.

Now, my desk is filled with stuff that needs doing yesterday. I'm still cleaning up from VBS and the fall planning is in full gear. And there are teeth fillings, funerals and vacations that are all going to take days away this week and next. But, I stayed home.

And as I drived home from Target with eye drops I realized something...

I made the right choice.

I was able cuddle with my son today. To put him down for his nap. To take him to the doctor. To vacuum the basement. To do the little mom stuff that I often miss doing being a full time work-out-of-home mom. After VBS and the last approx 130 work hr two weeks I was worried that I had my priorities all messed up. VBS takes SO much attention that it is hard to focus on anything else, even the family.

But here we are. I am busy, stressed even. There is lots to do. And I have a sitter in my house. But I still made the right decision. I choose little goat. I will always choose him when he needs me. And it felt good to realize that nothing will change that...even VBS.

It was an unplanned day, but it was a great one because for the first time in a long time I felt no guilt about where I was and what I was doing. Today I made the right choice, even if it was over something so minor as pinkeye.

Bad Mommy Blogger

2011-08-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

So here I am, featured in a local magazine about being a mommy blogger, and I have been MIA for nearly two weeks straight. Bad mommy blogger, bad. The truth is I've been keeping my head just above water with work and family obligations. Because you know, YOU KNOW, that your toddler has an asthma/cold attack midweek into Vacation Bible School.

But VBS is over, little goat is slowly on the mend, and my brain is slowing stopping the endless pong game of to-do lists and half completed thoughts. And if it took my two days of staring at a wall to get back there, well then that is what it took.

I wish I could say that this was an anomaly but for the second year in a row July has felt like a too fast treadmill outside in 100 degree weather. The 100 degree weather is legitimate too seeing as it has been impossibly hot and humid here. I do like summer, but the heat and humidity is not for me. It makes me want to hibernate in a nice A/C'ed basement somewhere, but instead it has been one thing (some good, some bad, some just busy) after another.

I suppose this is part of learning to be an adult, the keeping your feet under you when the world seems to be going at a pace you don't feel quite ready for yet. Still I really hope that there will be a time to stop and take a deep cleansing breath soon. We have a vacation around the corner and I am anxious about all that needs to happen to get away but longing for some time with some waves and sand and family.

But, I will try to get to all of the things that are worth sharing here because even in the crazy, busy, whirlwind of this summer there are things that I don't want to forget and stuff to share with you. So I will be here, Random and Geeky as always, and I hope you are still here too. The tiny spot on the internet is dear to me, as are all of you.

What I've been up too...

2011-07-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

VBS prep 24/7. But with the help of some wonderful volunteers, some amazing friends, and a lot of prayer and hard work it all came together and our first day was a hit so far. Hopefully the rest of the week will go just as smoothly because all of this really took a toll on me. But I'm on the mend too thanks to a hubby and SIL who let me rest after work.

Our Registration Table

The Preschool Entrance

The Entrance to Snack room (still a bit in progress)

There is lots more. Stuff from VBS (including our big set) and lots of fun stuff, reviews and giveaways but some pictures is all I can manage tonight. For those of you who helped along the way by cheering me on, or helping out. THANK YOU!

Now that I'm through the first day I am reminded how much all this work is worth it. Not only do I love VBS, but the kids to do. And that is the most important part!

4 weeks

2011-07-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been pretty down on myself weight wise. I'm eating lots of fruits, but also lots of yummy grilled meats and ice cream lately. The gym, well, that is non existent these days. It is all work and family. The family stuff is great, just busy and filled with new furnaces and family gatherings and the occasional summer cold (of course). And work is in full throttle right now.

Still these feel some what like excuses but they are also the truth right now. Realistically I've never been good about maintaining a healthy lifestyle during stressful times. (I'm not very good at it in non-stressful times too but that's easier to work on).

But, today I need to highlight a victory. Any victory.

And I realized today that it has been exactly 4 weeks since I gave up diet coke and all soda. Since that time I have not had ONE DROP of soda. Not at picnics, or at work, or during stressful times. Not for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Not with alcohol. Not. One. Drop.

And it wasn't easy.

Sure, I've had some more coffee than normal. (learning I like iced coffee with non-fat milk and just a bit of sweetener). I've had a metric ton of unsweetened ice tea (my caffeine source right now it seems). I've had some sparkling water, some juice, some more milk and LOTS more water.

The cravings are lessening and are more situational than bodily right now. I want a diet coke because I'm stressed or tired or miss the taste more than I physically crave one. My appetite seems smaller and has moved somewhat away from the really bad for you foods. Burgers and fries just don't taste as good as they used too. Salads taste awesome.

I can still struggle with drinking enough, particularly if I forget my water bottle at home each day, but I am a lot more hydrated each day. I am also having LOTs less caffeine, usually just one dose - a coffee or tea - a day.

As for the scale, I haven't been on it, but really that doesn't matter in terms of this diet coke battle. I think it was important to do regardless of whether it helps me lose weight or not.

I won't lie, sometimes I think giving it up is just plain silly. As vices go it seems like such a mild one. And yet, it was something that was controlling my life. I spent lots of money on it and it really gave me no benefits.

So 4 weeks and counting. I think I need to get myself a little something to honor my one month mark, (technically 2 days from now), but I'm feeling poor and haven't found something awesome yet. But my eyes are open for something fabulous. (I'm open to suggestions).

I do miss diet coke and soda, but overall I'm so pleased to have made it this far.

The Man-child realization

2011-07-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

I took a bit of time away from VBS prep this weekend to go up to our church camp with our kids (4th-12th graders). It was fun to be goofy and do all those fun church camp things. I get to work with such great kids. It was fun and great to get away from the chaos of VBS prep work but while I was up at camp I came to a startling realization.

Little goat will almost certainly be taller than me some day.

Yes, I know, this should be obvious but it wasn't something I'd really stopped to take in. And it is more than just the height. It is that some day my son, my little baby, will become this Man-Child like some of the kids at camp this weekend.

Someday little goat will be another one of the smelly, boisterous, tall, man-child boys of those middle school and high school years. And I'm really not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, I can hardly take in the speed at which baby goat has become little goat already. It is exciting but a little scary watching him change and grow.

But on the other hand, I know that he can be a wonderful man-child. I hope to help him grow into a kind, gentle, respectful man-child.

Still, the thought of the future blows my mind.

It goes so fast... baby goat, toddler goat, boy goat, man-child goat. I'm afraid to blink. I don't want to miss a thing.

Wordless Wednesday: How does he sleep like this?

2011-07-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

Seriously, his butt is like 6 inches off the mattress. It is like sleeping toddler downward-facing dog!

Enough

2011-07-11T22:49:00.001-05:00

Vacation Bible School is coming. It starts two weeks from today and about this time every year I start getting a little panicky. I love VBS. It is a great week and I really enjoy it... once I get there. During the week of VBS I am gregarious and energetic and excited. I can troubleshoot and be flexible at the drop of the hat.

Two weeks before, well, let's just say I'm as likely to begin laughing hysterically as I am to burst into tears.

I fluctuate wildly between over confidence and a complete lack of confidence in my event planning skills. I have confidence because I have put VBS's together 6 times before. I do know what I am doing and I have the skills to make it work. I lack confidence because there are just so many components and no matter how many lists I keep I still burst awake at 3am and wonder if X is on my list and if I've taken it into account. Add to all of this the fact that this is my last event that will complete my first year at my new job. This time next year I'll have seen how VBS operates at new church but right now I am using the word of others and my own imagination to piece it together. So even though I know the VBS beast I'm tracking it through completely new territory.

And sometimes I am not certain that I am enough.

I can feel that way a lot, VBS just brings it out. I can feel like I just am not enough. I don't have enough time, or enough skills, or enough organization. I don't have enough volunteers, or patience, or artistic ability. And even though I know it isn't all me that needs to have all of those skills and abilities, I feel the pressure of being the one organizing and in charge of it all. SO even when I love what I get to do, sometimes I feel, I am just not enough.

Enough.

But when I take a deep breath I realize that I am wrong. I am enough. You know why?

¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain. ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

~ Psalm 139:1-18

Coincidentally, this is also the psalm that is the main theme for our VBS this year. I have often thought of this psalm and related it to children. I think of it when I pray for children, and my friend's pregnancy. It gives me confidence to trust that difficult pregnancies can work out, like my friend Sara's pregnancy currently.

But I seldom think of it for myself, but when I do I realize that there is no way I couldn't be enough. I am called to my ministry and deep down even in my most stressful days I love what I do. I love working with kids and parents and making all sorts of creative decisions daily. Even when it is hard I love it and I am good at it.

Of course I am. God made me for stuff such as this. He knows me and sees my challenges and successes. He knows how to raise me up to levels that I have yet to see. Which isn't to say I won't ever fail, but it is to say that I won't FOREVER fail. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and so is each of the 150 kids and 60 volunteers who will come to church in two weeks.

I owe it to them to give it my all. God expects no less, but God also knows that I am up for the challenge.

And I am.

I am enough.

20 Questions

2011-07-07T09:31:00.000-05:00

Hey, did you see my new layout? I'll be fiddling with it for a while but I finally have a lovely new banner and stuff to go with my new domain name! Now if I could only think of the perfect tagline....

Anyway, let's play twenty questions today. Inquiring geeks want to know and all that jazz. You know the drill you can answer as many or as few as you want in the comments. Then come back and learn from the wisdom of your fellow bloglanders.

20 Questions:

1. What is your favorite (quick) and healthy breakfast?
2. What is your favorite healthy lunch?
3. What is your favorite family dinner?
4. What is your favorite healthy snack?
5. When can you start feeding raw carrots (and crunchy harder to chew veggies) to toddlers?
6. What other easy (don't need to cook them) veggies do your kids eat?
7. Have you ever left Target without buying something that wasn't on your list?
8. Any tips and tricks for week-long travel (flying) with a toddler?
9. Personal DVD players - a plus with toddlers flying or just more technology?
10. How often do you vacuum?
11. Do you have a favorite workout DVD?
12. I need a new purse. What do you look for in a purse?
13. What is one thing you do as a family to save some money?
14. What is your shopping philosophy: Do you buy cheaper items more often, or quality more expensive items that last?
15. What should I do with my hair? (see pictures below for current lack-of-style)
16. What is your favorite game to play? (board, card, or sport-type games acceptable)
17. Would you ever want to be on a game show on TV? If so, which ones?
18. Are you going to go see the final Harry Potter movie?
19. What did you want to be when you grew up?
20. What made you smile today?

As always thanks for sharing your wisdom and helping me get to know you better. Also I hope you like the new look.

Wordless Wednesday: Mama Goat and her kid

2011-07-06T12:57:00.000-05:00

Special thanks to Melissa for taking these awesome pictures.

So it got worse..

2011-07-05T22:42:00.000-05:00

Remember yesterday how I hoped that today would be better. Yeah, not so much.

I got Little Goat's cold.

BUT Little Goat is much better and was able to go to daycare today.

Little Goat still needs an antibiotic and nebs.

BUT for the first time in forever he didn't need an additional steroid for a cold. And since it has been almost exactly a year since all our asthma testing things are definitely improving as he ages.

Remember our furnace that the blower died? Yeah the whole thing is dead - like carbon monoxcide emitting dead (if it were on which it isn't).

BUT it isn't January and 20 below out.

Still we have no A/C for at least a week and it is likely to be hot this week.

BUT we have fans and access to pools. Also see about RE: Not January.

Furnaces are expensive to replace.

BUT we have time to shop around and knew we'd need one in the next few years so at least we aren't totally unprepared. (Just mostly unprepared!)

It is annoying but at the same time I can't help but be a bit grateful for what we have. A year\ago, the thought of having a house seemed impossible. I was on the verge of my position be cut and forced to walk away from my job and we'd just spent an expensive week in Children's figuring out his asthma stuff.

Now we have a house, I have an new amazing job, and Little Goat is so much healthier.

So yeah, not a great few days, but in the grand scheme of things I can handle it.

Of course if you see ads on the blog in the next few days please click on them...Mama needs a new furnace.

(That seems like the blogger equivalent of passing the hat right? LOL)

(Seriously though, don't worry, we'll make it through.)

Happy 4th of July

2011-07-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Well our plans changed today as both boys of mine were sick. So we scratched the family BBQ and I didn't get to meet the newest cousin. Bummer. Also while our AC was working our furnace blower died, so we are AC-less on a warm day with a feverish toddler. Also there are bugs in my house - I've discovered some earwigs. Eeeew. Eeew. Eeeew. Add a bad night of sleep thanks to said toddler, an urgent care run (ear infection and respiratory crap) and a plethora of mosquito bites and I'm not feeling my best either

So you can imagine this was NOT how I planned to spend the 4th this year. Thankfully I had a great weekend before this point so there were plenty of fun things this weekend (Jason Mraz concert, neighborhood party, bbq with the extended Goat family, etc).

It is funny, we have expectations about how we think holidays should go. Or at least I know I do and I get frustrated when reality requires I adapt my expectations. But often my expectations are not really what a holiday is about. Take the 4th for example. It is our nation's birthday. We celebrate our liberty and our freedom. And what that really means is that I can complain on my blog and its ok. And I can own a HOUSE and have all the drama that goes with it. And I can have a family and have freedom to be with them on the holiday, even if it is quarantined at home.

And I could say publicly that I think the MN government has behaved very childishly in the last weeks with the government shutdown and that's ok.

And I can light my own sparkler and celebrate with some ribs on the porch of my house with my hubby after the toddler finally fell asleep. And you know what, I didn't need a full fireworks display, or a parade, or a band concert, or a family picnic. In the end, I had who I needed with me already.

Happy 4th of July! (I do hope tomorrow might be a little better though!)

6 year blogger-versary

2011-06-30T10:24:00.031-05:00

Six years ago I started a little blog. Honestly I did it because all my online friends were starting them. We had a great group online but as folks began blogging (like Emilie and Missy) the group started to move in that direction so I jumped on board with the blogging thing.

I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't a writer (I thought), I didn't know what I had to say, all I knew was that I and already learned that online communities could be precious and that my current job made me keep parts of who made me me hidden. I needed a place to be me.

But I had no idea what would become of this little corner of space on the internet I called my own.

I didn't know I would meet a vast network of people who would become very dear to me.

I didn't know that I would learn that I can be a writer and that I enjoy it.

I didn't know that I would keep my sanity through very difficult times because of this place and people's support.

I didn't know that I could stick with a hobby for 6 years.

I didn't know that I would be able to share and process a very rocky pregnancy/birth experience so safely and supported on the internet.

I didn't know that I could be honest about my weight and my struggles.

I didn't know that I would be troll free on the blog 6 years later.

I didn't know I would have online friends become IRL friends...friends who would run 5ks with me, and meet me for coffee, or even take professional pictures of me and little goat just because I needed one.

What I didn't know could fill a book but suffice to say this blog has been a blessing to me (you'll have to ask Mr. Goat if it is for him too! LOL)
I could get very sappy about this tiny unimportant-to-anyone-but-me blog but I won't. Instead I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for reading and commenting and not judging. Thank you for getting to know the real me, and letting me be unabashedly me - geeky, anxiety-prone, fat, introverted me. You have no idea how you've all shaped my life during the past 6 years.

I almost gave up the blog a week ago. I was frustrated and blogging felt like one more thing that I HAD to do. But it really isn't, that was the frustration talking. Blogging is something I get to do, and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

So Happy Blogger-versary to me. To celebrate I finally bought my first real domain name. http://www.lutherliz.com It is my present to myself! The blog will now go their automatically but you may want to update your feeds. And I have a few other cosmetic changes in the works too. I hope you'll come visit and see when they go live.

Thank you everyone, I think I'm going to stick around for a while!

Wordless Wednesday: Go Boat!

2011-06-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

Bullet Point Post

2011-06-28T22:56:00.001-05:00

So much to share, so little time, but I want to get some thoughts out right now so you guys have an update about my life right now.

I am still soda free. It has been 8 days. The headaches seem to have gone away but I am still craving diet coke. I'm learning to like iced tea and still really don't like too much coffee. Or rather I like coffee very very sweet which is not that helpful. But I can do the iced coffee with nonfat milk and a raw sugar for a passable compromise. I find I've been drinking more juice along with more water and that could be trouble as I don't need that much sugar, but I am still avoiding the artifical sweeteners (with some great success).
We had some truly AWFUL big bed experiences at Grandma's and Grandpa's this weekend, to the point where we got out the port-a-crib just to get a bit of sleep before the wee hours. (seriously one night I was up until 5am more or less, until he finally got up. for.the.day. Thank goodness for Grandma who tagged me out then so I could get some sleep) But being home again we are getting there. Last night was 2 hrs, tonight was 45 minutes. It helps that he's exhausted but I'm also learning how to respond to him too. Hopefully we keep on improving. That evening time is important for my well-being.
The world's greatest popcorn comes from Dairy Queen in Neenah, Wisconsin. Yes, Dairy Queen. Seriously, I'm willing to provide evidence!
Little goat got to go on his first two boat rides this weekend. The first was a speed boat, the second was a pontoon. On the second ride he kept saying "BOAT GO" Apparently he didn't like the cruising speed of a pontoon and wanted to go faster again!
He also went to the pool with us and his Godparent's family. He was fearless and willing to jump in the pool over and over again. He's well on the way to being a little fish as well as a little goat.
We went to our music class tonight and little goat doesn't seem too enthralled with the singing yet, but the moment those instruments come out he's in heaven. Hitting things on purpose to make cool sounds = love. It is fun to see him starting to learn about music too and he did much better this day than the first class. (Although the doors need baby gates because he is perpetually curious and a master escape artist)
I'm sort of off the healthy lifestyle wagon. I need to get my butt in gear but I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things that need doing. Still the soda thing is big so that is a good start.
The main purpose of this trip was my cousin's graduation party. It was so nice to see the whole family. Little goat saw many of his great aunts and uncles he'd only met once before. He also got to see his great grandfather (guess who forgot to take pictures!). It was so nice to be with family. I love MN but sometimes it is hard to be so far away from people I love.
One more, I'm featured over on Peace Garden Writer today! Hop on over if you want to read how I started thinking of myself as a writer! And welcome to anyone who came over from Roxane's page!

Is this new?

2011-06-28T15:25:00.000-05:00

I am terribly behind on blogging and just about everything else in my life too. So forgive me. I'm still here just stalled. We spent a fun weekend in WI though so I'll be sharing stuff throughout the week. But first I went to lunch today to grab a sandwich and tried someplace new. This is what I saw on the bill. Is this new? (Being that it is a new place I also spent way more than I wanted on lunch...but alas I digress.)

Now I have never seen a "suggested gratuity amounts" on a bill before. I know on large parties they sometimes have an automatic addition for gratuity but this was just a helpful note on my bill. First of all, this isn't hard math people, nor does it have to be so specific. You want 15%? Move the decimal point one over...$15.00 becomes $1.50 for 10% and then add an additional half that (.75) for a total of $2.25. And if you can figure out 10%, 15% and 20% than it is easy to pick some number in between roughly where you want to tip.

But beyond that, shouldn't they start at 15% at least? I know that 18% is customary but what happens when you have bad service. And it isn't it a tad presumptuous to have the 25% on there? I mean, I think I can count on one hand the times I've tipped over say 20%. And believe me an overpriced sandwich and iced tea is not it.

Have you seen this? Am I the only one who is annoyed by it?

The Frenemy

2011-06-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

It all started on Monday. Monday was an awful day. I was crabby and unfocused. I didn't feel great and I was in a bad mood all around. As my mood worsened I turned to my own standby soda to get my through, specifically diet soda, even more specifically diet coke. I love diet coke. A morning never fully started without a diet coke.

So my mood was bad and I was self-medicating with soda. Around 3pm I started to feel really awful. Headachy and just off. I wondered if I was getting sick and headed to get a glass of water. After I drank some and started to feel better I did some quick math. It turns out I had over 60 oz of soda already that day and that was my first glass of water. Um, that's not so good.

In fact it was really bad. (not to mention expensive).

Then and there I decided that it was time to give up soda. My ability to drink it in moderation seemed long gone and it just wasn't helping. So on Tuesday I began my first official soda-free day. It was hard. I am am doing two things in conjunction with this new soda-free lifestyle. 1. I am making sure NOT to give up caffeine right now so I don't withdraw on both the soda and the caffeine at once. I've been allowing myself a iced cafe latte a day so far. I'll also explore teas (and chocolate as needed). 2. I am trying to avoid artifical sweeteners in general so I don't re-trigger my addiction. That means that flavored waters and stuff are already out. Tomorrow I'm going to explore some sparkling unflavored water with some juice to give me a little placebo soda, but all the real stuff - regular and diet is off limits.

I've only had two days of soda-free living but already I am noticing changes and I'm going to document them so that I can remind myself that this is a good thing in case things get harder before they get easier.

I am more focused. I've been more productive at work the last two days than I have been in a while. This is good because VBS is coming fast!
My mind seems clearer too.
I have more energy - even being sleepy from getting baby goat adjusted to his "big boy bed" crib.
I am more cheerful.
I've slept better
I am drinking a TON more water. Like 80-100 oz more water.
The more water I drink the better I start to feel.
I seem to be eating less.
I also am more in tune to when I am hungry and when I am not.
I think I'll save money in the long run, especially if I can find a caffeine source that's not Starbucks or Caribou.

Now this is not to say it is easy. I've had a low grade headache for the last two days. I am still craving it, particularly in the morning and at lunch, which is why I need to experiment with some sparkling water tomorrow. And there is still soda around here - at work and at home, so I have to be vigilant on my own. Towards the end of the day I also am feeling a bit short tempered. This might also be a symptom of trying to get little goat to sleep in his bed without escaping. I do not recommend bed transfers and giving up addictions in the same week but I didn't have much forethought for this.

So the diet coke, and other sodas are out. Maybe someday I'll be able to have a soda in a drink without getting addicted, but I think diet coke and I need to be done for good. It is just too addicting to me, but I'm washing my hands of it. It's time.

Wordless Wednesday: Signs of Summer

2011-06-22T06:18:00.000-05:00

Facing Freedom

2011-06-20T22:15:00.002-05:00

Today little goat has fallen asleep in his big boy bed. Well, it actually isn't a big boy bed yet, but his crib with one side taken off. It went *knock on wood* well. Even though he crawled into bed himself he didn't seem to quite get that he could get out, instead he just cried for me when he didn't want to be sleeping yet. I'm sure that is temporary and we have his room gated off now in an attempt to keep him safe during the night (he knows how to open locks and doors, not to mention having all sorts of other mechanical skills).

Honestly I put off this transition. I wasn't ready for the freedom of him getting up in the night without my knowledge. I often find that I am the one who's not ready. Freedom is a tricky thing. Little goat grows fast, and even his language has been expanding at a rapid pace lately. He is learning things each day. He's learning to swim. Tomorrow he goes to his first music class. He is just blossoming.

It is beautiful to watch, but it is also challenging for me. He is so energetic, constantly going. He is so persistent, trying to get around your instructions over and over again. He is so strong, he will fight to get what he wants and often you are in the way.

Sometimes he is just so hard for me and it feels embarrassing to admit that. But even in his worst obstinance he is very precious to me. Each night after meds and books and prayers, we cuddle together he and I and I smell his hair as he nuzzles into my neck and everything is fine again. The difficulties of the day fade away. I'm glad for that, it keeps me sane. The challenge is to find a way to parent this toddler. This toddler who wants his way and doesn't like to listen but still needs protecting and guiding and loving. Independence and freedom within safe boundaries. And that is a challenge.

He's asleep in his big boy bed tonight, facing his freedom wonderfully. And I am here blogging wondering how I learn to be a big boy mom when sometimes I just wish he were that tiny infant that I had finally figured out. Little Goat, I want you to learn to be independent and confident, but can we slow down a little bit so mama can catch up?

EDITED TO ADD: He only fell out of bed twice (um, I wonder if I should put a pad down, we'll see how tonight goes), but he slept in the "bed" all night long!

Halfway there

2011-06-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

If I am keeping pace with my 50 book challenge each year I should hit 25 books sometime before July 1st. Sometimes I've done it quickly and other times slowly but that is my mid-year goal. This year I am right about on pace, having finished my 25th book today. I'm glad I caught up from the month of the move where I didn't read hardly anything. So here is my list of books halfway through. I'm happy to share insights on any of them!

50 Book Challenge 2011

1. The Lacuna: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver
2. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
3. The Piano Teacher by Janice Y. K. Lee
4. Walking the Bible: A Photographic Journey by Bruce Feiler
5. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Ann Lamott
6. The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan
7. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin
8. Traveling with Pomegranates: A Mother and Daughter Journey to the Sacred Places of Greece, Turkey, and France by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor
9. A View from the Back Pew: God, Religion & Our Personal Quest for Truth by Tim O'Donnell
10. The Girl in the Gatehouse by Julie Klassen
11. Leaping Beauty: And Other Animal Fairy Tales by Gregory Maguire
12. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
13. The Unquiet Bones: The first chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, surgeon by Melvin Starr
14. Shades of Milk and Honey by Mary Robinette Kowal
15. Mom: A Celebration of Mothers from StoryCorps by Dave Isay
16. A Corpse at St. Andrew's Chapel: The Second Chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, Surgeon by Mel Starr
17. The Heretic's Daughter: A Novel by Kathleen Kent
18. The Fiddler's Gun by A.S. Peterson
19. The Fiddler's Green by A. S. Peterson
20. Stories: All-New Tales by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio
21. Moonglass by Jessi Kirby
22. Big Red Tequila by Rick Riordan
23. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
24. My Name Is Child of God...Not "Those People": A First Person Look at Poverty by Julia K. Dinsmore
25. Living Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris

Songs

2011-06-16T23:18:00.000-05:00

Music speaks to most of us and like many of us I have diverse musical tastes. I can be (and regularly am) swept away by beautiful choral, band and orchestra music. I enjoy a good musical, but I also like popular music, jazz, and all sorts of random things.

Mostly I listen to NPR or KS95 which is a local pop station. And over the last years a few songs have stuck out at different points in my life. The first was Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Calliat. I liked both artists but this song became powerful when I went on bed rest in the hospital with little goat. Mr. Goat would go home each night and I would play this on repeat trying to sleep and cling to the fact that I was lucky and that I would go home someday (as the lyrics say). This then became my continued theme song as I waited those 46 agonizing days for baby goat to come home from the NICU too.

The second song that has been a theme for me recently is Sara Bareilles' King of Anything. When the situation at my last church was really bad for me and I wanted so badly to find a way out this became a song that I sang loudly in my car to reclaim my own independence. While it isn't exactly what the song was about it was a reminder that I am the only who needs to speak for me and I should not hide behind what other's always expected of me.

Lately a song has been becoming a theme for my weight loss journey. Like the last song I have to reimagine it a bit. For example this song is sung to a love interest, but in my mind I am singing it to myself and for myself. This song is Adam Lambert's Whataya Want From Me. It's refrain in particular speaks to me.

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me

This is the question and phrase I keep coming back to - "what do I want from me?" and "just don't give up!" It is so easy to want to throw up my hands and give up. It is so hard and has been hard for a long time, but I can't afford to give up. So I sing at the top of my lungs and insist that I am worth not giving up on. Because I'm not.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The Final Movie is coming...

2011-06-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

I can hardly stand the wait.

8 years

2011-06-14T15:43:00.005-05:00

8 years.

3 cats.

2 apartments.

1 house.

2 advanced degrees.

4 cars.

6 jobs.

1 kid.

2920 days and counting...

All by his side.

And I wouldn't trade a single one.

Instead I look forward to the next 8.

And 18.

And 80.

Happy Anniversary Mr. Goat.

I love you!

Prayer of a Fat Woman

2011-06-13T21:53:00.002-05:00

Dear God,
Give me the courage not to eat everything in front of me.
Give me the patience and wisdom to savor my food, one bite at a time.
Remind me that "food" does not need to be candy-coated,
or partially-hydrogenated,
or processed.
Help me taste the full bounty of your creation.
In moderation.
Keep me on the path to real health.
Give me strength to move more today than the day before: longer, faster or stronger
But in all things remind me that you give me each day to start anew.
Give me the perspective to give myself grace when I fall, as you do.
You know that weight does not equal worth.
Help me to know it too.
You have given me all the tools I need to succeed.
It is in me because of you.
Show me where it is hidden
and help me become the me that you know I can be.
Amen.

Sunday night again

2011-06-12T23:01:00.000-05:00

Boy, time seems to be flying lately. The Goat family has been GO GO GO since Memorial day. First there was the 5k, then a crazy week or work, then my 10 year college reunion (with second 5k in two weeks), then a week with 4 full days of continuing ed and a funeral to boot. Finally there was this weekend. It was unscheduled, which is practically unheard of lately, but wouldn't you know, we managed to fill it up!

Friday we wanted to be social but the baby still needed to sleep. So we tested the monitors range and took our neighbor up on his invitation to hang out and chat in the garage. We must be homeowners now because that is exactly what we did. And the monitor worked because I knew right away when baby goat woke up because he took his diaper off and peed everywhere (again). It was fun to get to know the neighbors more and it was fun to just sit and chat for a while.

Saturday we all slept in (even the toddler - until 8:30!!!!) Then we got up and headed to the zoo for some fun. We rode the monorail and visited the playground and fountain and had lunch outside. Naturally I got sunburned but it was fun. We saw surprisingly few animals but that was just what little goat preferred. He was very insistent on keeping up with the bigger kids on the high playground structure so Mr. Goat and I got a workout keeping him safe from the larger falls. Saturday ended with a fundraiser Mr. Goat had to go to for his choir...I stayed home and played with the toddler. After the fundraiser a friend and fellow choir guy came over to play games. Two late night social gatherings in one weekend!

Today was a planned date day. Sister Goat came up to babysit in the afternoon. So we had church in the morning, then Mr. Goat and I went to see the movie Bridesmaids - hilarious BTW. Finally we went up to the Sea Salt Eatery for dinner. It is a seasonal restaurant in Minnehaha Falls Park and is all seafood. It was outstanding and could easily get addicting. We split some calamari tacos, and each had a po-boy. Mr. Goat had crawfish, I had catfish. So SO SO good. It was a great date for Mr. Goat and I and a way to get away in celebration of our anniversary this week.

We got home to discover that Toddler goat took and almost 5 hr nap! So he was up much later than normal, but he doesn't seem sick. I suspect growth spurt myself but I guess time will tell. I really need a germ free week though as I have a ton of stuff to do, but that's pretty typical. And I have to find a way back into the gym now that the summer is here.

In Summary, busy busy good good happy happy

Wordless Wednesday: Boe Chapel - Bringing the Boy Back where we Began

2011-06-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

This and That

2011-06-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

I'm in Continuing Ed for three days to learn about Faith Formation. It is one of those instances where I am glad for the reminder that there are people as quirky, passionate and church-geeky as I am. And the topics are great, I'm having so much fun thinking deep thoughts and figuring out how to translate it to real ministry and vocation. But I'm jumping online during break to share two things with you!

1. I wrote a guest post about Kids and Spirituality for my friend Missy the Marketing Mama which is up today. I'd love it if you hop on over to read it and share any of your own thoughts on helping to teach kids about faith.

2. We watched this video this morning in my class and while I typically don't demand that you go watch a 20 min video I really must insist that you watch this immediately. It is amazing and while it talks about classical music it is transferable to whatever job or vocation you have, or being a parent, spouse or person in the community. Seriously watch it and please share your thoughts about what you took away from it here.

OVO by Cirque Du Soleil

2011-06-06T18:23:00.000-05:00

Brother Goat, my BIL, works for the theater behind the scenes and for as long as I've known him he's loved Cirque Du Soleil. He would go see them whenever it was possible. But I have never been to a show before. I went to the Shriner Circus a few times and possibly some carnival/fair type circus acts but nothing on the scale or breadth of Cirque.

So you can imagine that when I was given an opportunity to attend a show on my own I had to jump on it. Despite this I wasn't sure how it would all translate, sometimes it seemed a little high brow and artsy for me, and I'm even sort of a high brow, artsy type! But I was WRONG.

First of all, it was hilarious! There was a loose plot structure that kept the acts moving. There was a commitment to character, even when interacting with the audience. And the "clown" bugs (because the show takes place with insects as characters) were full of great timing and comedy, even with mostly using few words and lots of bug "chatter"

two of the "clown" bugs

The second thing that amazed me were the acts themselves. I've seen Cirque acts on Late Night shows occasionally and they are neat but to see them up close was a whole different thing. Then you appreciate the physical feats they are accomplishing and the grace with which they are doing so. It was enough to make me want to pack up Little Goat to Circus school in Thailand (but not quite, I do like him around after all!)

synchronized kiwi foot juggling by the ants

All in all, it was a wonderful date night for Mr. Goat and I, and if my toddler had an attention span of more than 30 seconds I know that he would have loved it. Every detail was taken care of. The sets were stunning, the costumes remarkable. They even pumped in some sort of earth/flower scent (but not perfume!) to give you a sense of being among the dirt and the bugs.

these were some of Mr. Goat's favorites.

The other cool thing I was able to participate in was a backstage tour that the Mall of America set up. They invited us over for Toddler Tuesday with the Cirque folks and then brought some of us back to see the behind the scenes.

Their tents are amazing little cities. People get apartments during their show run, but everything else is on site in their tents and trucks. There is a school for those performers (the youngest performer is 16) and children of performers and workers. There is a kitchen that provides over 300 meals daily. There is a tent for them to warm up and rehearse each day.

so can YOU do that?

Each day the performers practice but they are also responsible for their own makeup each day. The red spider for example has a 1.5 hr makeup routine before each show to prepare. While we were there we got to witness one of the red spider's training her replacement (who will start in July) with the artistic directors help. It was fascinating to watch the preparation and practice of them. The performers rehearse for 2 years before a show goes on the road, the new red spider gets 3 months!

It was so neat to see behind the scenes and ask all sorts of questions about the tricks and running of the show, but after knowing the magic of having seen the show wasn't diminished. If anything it was enhanced by knowing just how much goes into it. Ovo by Cirque Du Soleil runs until June 19th in a tent across from the Mall of America. If you can afford to go I certainly would. Information about tickets can be found here

Disclaimer: I was provided with a pair of tickets to Ovo and given the opportunity to go behind the scenes, but all opinions provided are my own. It really was awesome! Also, all the photos used come from the professional photos provided on the Mall of America Website here

10 years

2011-06-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

Here I am back on campus. Back on the "Hill." It is a place deep in my soul. I remember coming here with my parents for alumni events and I didn't understand it then, but I do now. Now I have my own child to drag to campus (although for my sanity and Mr. Goat's he's with Grandma and Grandpa).

It feels different and yet, the same. There are similar faces around me, most of the students are gone and it can be easy to pretend that we are all back. But there are differences too. I am older yes, but some of the naivity that I held back then is also gone. I know what this place meant and means to me, but I also know that life outside the Hill can be joyful and maddening, sorrowful and enlightening. And I feel different too, and yet the same.

Mr. Goat is beside me. We met here, and fell in love. We've walked these paths hand in hand before, but we didn't know then all the things we'd face. I suppose we still don't know all the things we'll face, but we continue to be committed to facing them together. I wonder if that is one of the things this Hill has taught me, that love and loyalty don't always mean easy roads, but that they do mean choosing to grow together.

The Hill has grown and changed and we do too. But after 10 years I still pause, rapt at the end of Beautiful Savior. After 10 years I still count this place among my homes. All thing change, as they should, but for a weekend I dwell in the past and present combined into something new altogther.

I'm me there but an ever gowing me, and the me I am now leaves early tomorrow to run a 5k on campus, something the old me never would have done. Change is good after all. Um ya ya!

Wordless Wednesday: Proud anyway

2011-06-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

This picture is the most special because it shows the #priorfatpack cheering me on. And THAT is truly heart-warming to me.

Coming Down

2011-05-31T23:00:00.000-05:00

It is great to accomplish something. It is great to run/walk that 5k and beat your best time. It is great to do so with friends beside you. It is great.

But it is still awful when you see photos the next day, photos of yourself and you think, "Dear God, am I really THAT big?"

And some of the accomplishment fades.

And the questions of how the hell you make this work return. How the hell do you, do I, succeed in this.

Because those pictures don't lie.

Shit. I wish they were lying.

PriorFatPack 5k

2011-05-30T13:53:00.001-05:00

Last night the Priorfatpack gathered for a potluck to psych us all up for this morning. This morning was our 5k. For some of us it was our first. For some of us it another 5k in a string of them, but each of us came this morning not only to accomplish something for ourselves but to cheer on others too.

It is funny, I walked more of this 5k than I did on my 5k last year but I finished in a faster time. Somewhere around 56 minutes (final times are posted yet). If it is under 56:33 it is a personal best, and I'm not even subtracting for the time it took to get to the actual start line since I was in the back of the racing group.

I'm not going to lie. It is still SO hard for me to do. Over and over again I wanted to quit. Or at least stop and rest, but I didn't. I didn't run too much, my legs just felt too heavy to do a lot but I kept up my walking pace the whole time. I must have as I averaged about an 18 minute mile.

But what made this special for me, besides being the second one I've ever done, was that I was with people who support me and each other in their journey. Being healthy, losing weight, running a race is so challenging, but here we were a whole group of people inspiring one another to push further. These people are becoming true true friends and they keep me wanting to improve myself. I may never be a "runner" but in part thanks to them I am definitely a "5k-er"

I'll post more pictures and some official times later this week. Right now the shower and possibly a nap are calling to me (hopefully the toddler will nap for a LONG time!) And in case I don't say it enough, thank YOU for all the support you've given me here blogland. It keeps me going when I want to quit.

This just in: My official time was 55:48, minus whatever time it took me to cross the actual starting line at the beginning. A new personal best and a nice benchmark for my 5k at St. Olaf on Saturday!

Project Flower Bomb

2011-05-25T22:28:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid I was terrified of tornadoes. Phobic. I didn't want to leave the house on windy days. I certainly didn't want to leave if there was a tornado watch in place. I remember babysitting once and freaking the kids out because there was a storm watch and I wouldn't let them play outside (not my finest moment). Luckily for me my parents pretty much forced me to live a normal life around storms and didn't give in to my fears. And after a few scary storms of not-dying and going to college and growing up I slowly started to grow out of this. Nevertheless, I take storms seriously I just don't panic any more.

Another thing that helped...I went and married a fellow whose town had been hit by a tornado. Hubby was a junior in High School when the tornado hit St. Peter. He and most of the family were gone a concert. His 6 yr old sister was home with a sitter. In that tornado there was a lot of damage, one child was killed, and the town has never been quite the same. And after 11 years with my husband I know those stories and I know how people start to deal with the destruction of a tornado as time passes.

So last Sunday night as I watched the news unfold about a tornado in North Minneapolis I knew I wanted to help. Even more so since I knew several people affected directly by the tornado...including Jen, the PriorFatGirl herself. But it felt like so little. My resources are few. My time is busy. Also since Mr. Goat hurt his foot my schedule has been even more busy.

But my friend, Amelia Sprout, had a great idea. And I jumped in with her and Jen on twitter and idea was born. Jen lost all her flowers in the storm, planted in honor of her mother on Mother's day and it seemed like a simple thing to replace them for her and help cheer her up in this situation. And so we thought, if a few flowers can help someone feel better then a LOT of flowers can help a LOT of people feel better. And so I'm proud to support Project Flower Bomb. (I stole the details directly from Jen's blog because she laid them out so well).

What: Project Flower Bomb…a way to bring together the local (and not-local) blogging community by spreading flowerous cheer to the north Minneapolis community recently devastated by tornadoes. Please join us in planting some beautiful flowers on Sunday and then, passing them out to those in North Minneapolis who could use a little sunshine.
Date: Sunday, May 29th
Time: 2-5pm
Location: North Minneapolis – RSVP for address
RSVP: ameliasprout@gmail.com by 5pm Friday, May 25th
{For those who plan on coming, please bring your own gardening gloves/trowels (if you have them) and be prepared to get down and dirty!}

Supplies needed
We are in need of the following supplies…
planting dirt
pre-started flowers
new, unused pots of smallish size
We are looking for anyone who has any connections to local nurseries who would be willing to donate any supplies. Please contact me at jen@priorfatgirl.com if you have any connections.

Unable to donate your time?
For those who are unable to help plant on Sunday but still want to help, small monetary donations ($5, $10 or $20) can be sent via paypal to jen@priorfatgirl.com {please put PROJECT FLOWER BOMB in the notes.} Any monies not used will be donated to the Red Cross to help in general tornado disaster relief.

Will you help? Yes it is a small thing but it is not insignificant. And I hope that if our donations are sufficient we could even help with replacing trees sometime in the future. Thanks and I hope to see you there!

A lot to work with

2011-05-24T12:53:00.001-05:00

Sometimes the tasks ahead of me seem insurmountable. They seem like "walking through Mordor to throw a ring in Mt Doom" difficult. Or "find all the horcruxes before Voldemort kills you and everyone you love" challenging. It seems that way, but it is not. I build things up and place the path of accomplishments so high that it is no wonder they seem impossible to me.

In my mind I'm not really losing weight unless I do it Biggest Loser style - fast, single-mindedly, and, did I mention, fast. And if after a week of extreme efforts that yield me a 1 or a 2 lb weight loss, I throw up my hands and say that I'm incapable of this. And go back to the ice cream.

I've done this for as long as I can imagine - setting up a task in front of me in such a way that perfection is impossible. And I am still surprised and frustrated when I fail. Every.single.time.

Last Friday I bit the bullet and decided to push and do a 5k at the gym to prove that I could before the actual #priorfatpack 5k on Memorial day (6 days, yikes). I worked out HARD. I pushed and ran for longer stretches than I ever have (2 min, but it is a long stretch for me). I beat my previous time coming in with a walking/running time of 56:33min. Elated I posted it on Facebook and twitter and people were so nice about. They cheered me on.

But after the elation wore off and the exhaustion crept in so did the voice. The one that tells me that 56:33 is such a pathetic time and people can walk the whole thing faster than that. The voice that says it isn't enough. The voice that compares me to others.

I am still proud of Friday. I have to be because it was huge - mentally and physically for me. But I am fearful of never shaking this idea that my best is so much less than other peoples.

But this morning as I was reading a blog post a phrase stuck out at me, and it stuck out enough for me to choose blogging over my lunch hour:

I have a lot to work on, but I have a lot to work with.

This is what I have to remember each day. Not the comparisons to others, but that I have so much within myself and surrounding me that I have plenty with which to succeed.

So I started a list of what I have to work with. Here is the start of it:

I am smart. If I want to figure something out, I can.
I am stubborn. Oh so stubborn.
I am loving and learning to love myself.
I am faithful. I believe that God is there and has given me enough to be perfectly me. Not perfect. But perfectly me.
I am strong. So much so that sometimes it surprises me.
I am loyal. I will give to others freely, now I must translate it to self-loyalty.
I like to know things.
I like to learn things.
I like to challenge myself.
I will try new things.
I am willing to reach out when struggling.
I have so much to motivate me - friends, family, little goat.
I have a flexible job and can find a way to make time for becoming healthy.
I am silly.
I am flexible and open to change.
I like vegetables.
I like to help others.
I bounce back from dark places.
I have a family and friends who support me in all I do.
I have enough security to feel safe, but not so much that I feel complacent.

There will be more as I think of them but this is a start. Yes. There is a long way to go. I have so much to work on. But I have so much to work with too. Perfection is no longer my goal. Failing does not mean I am a failure. Instead I seek to be perfectly me and that means fighting each day to be healthier than I was yesterday.

Bumps

2011-05-23T20:50:00.000-05:00

Nothing I'm about to talk about even compares to the clean up efforts going on in NE Minneapolis because of tornadoes, nor can it even touch the tragic loss of life in Joplin from last night. But they are our bumps and very real. Nevertheless, I am thankful and grateful for what I have. That doesn't change.

And yet for a Monday, today has felt especially bumpy. It started last night when Mr. Goat started complaining about his foot. It was stiff and sore, but we walked to the playground after all the rain with little goat anyway. After toddler bedtime and some dumb Sunday night TV however Mr. Goat could hardly walk. (He'd been icing it that night too).

This morning it was the same, if not worse and there was a swollen spot on the top of his foot. He couldn't shower, or really walk or stand. And so it was to the doctor that we went. I dropped off the toddler and we went up to urgent care for x-rays.

It isn't broken, or maybe isn't? The Radiologist found some spot that looked like a previous fracture that maybe hadn't healed properly near where the foot hurt. But broken or not, Mr. Goat got a boot, crutches and an appointment with an orthopedic Dr. on Wed. Oh, and he's not allowed to drive (and frankly with the pain in his right foot he couldn't).

I dropped him off at work and finally got into the office myself. There was definitely a highlight of the day as my committee sent my some BEAUTIFUL flowers to celebrate the end of the school year. It was such a nice gesture...and seriously they are lovely. See?

But that was the main highlight of the day (the other - dinner and ice cream with my boys...can't beat that)

I had to leave early to get both boys on time and naturally the moment I walked into daycare I was greeted by the tear-streaked face of my toddler with a giant scrap/goose egg on his head. He and a big wheel met a bitter fate in the driveway mere moments before my arrival. He was fine, it was not serious and Little goat was fine.

And Mr. Goat is fine too, or will be. They are fine, but it was the sort of Monday where you throw up your hands and say "fine, we can handle, but I'm certainly going to bed early"

I'm curious what Mr. Goat's Wednesday appointment will bring. 3 days of being the chauffeur, primary toddler wrangler, chef, while trying to do my normal work and housework sounds a bit overwhelming but I know that it will be fine. It is just a speed bump. But I feel like I'm bottoming out on it just a little.

And yet, our house is standing. Our family is safe. Our problems small. So to bed, and to sleep and tomorrow is another day.

I'm not sure this post flows well but I am tired and too tired to edit this second. So you get what you get :) Oh, and I don't need to tell you but please pray for the people of Minneapolis and Joplin affected by the Tornadoes. That is so much worse than my petty complaints.

11 years ago

2011-05-20T12:36:00.001-05:00

Eleven years ago today
I was suddenly bold
and brave
and daring

Asking a freshman
with a curly pony tail
and a tuba
and a voice from God
to come with friends
to a concert

and he said yes.

and later
when the friends were gone
he remained
talking into the night

I was shocked at his innocence
he'd never seen the Princess Bride
something to be remedied
immediately

and in the midst of
a kissing book read
a kissing movie running
my story became a kissing story too

and my life has never been the same.

11 years ago
today
a boy
and a girl
and a story began

and continues today.
no longer so young
but still a kissing story.

I don't think this is what they mean by 80/20

2011-05-19T22:58:00.001-05:00

So there is this concept in healthy eating/living. Be diligent and healthy 80% of the time and then be willing to splurge on 20%. That isn't to say you should throw it all away but just that you should give yourself permission to still eat some of the things you love.

It is a great idea in concept, but I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to do 80% of your weekly meals healthy, rather than be healthy for 80% of the day. The healthy for 80% of the day seems to be the route I've been taking though. I can (sort of) eat healthily throughout the day. 3 meals, try to keep portions down, not too much fat. I've been doing better about not eating out and choosing healthier options when I do. All progress.

BUT

Come about 9pm I suddenly lose all control and find myself knee deep in ice cream, chips, popcorn and a variety of other "not on the diet and certainly not at that point at night" foods. Worse, i do a lot of the shopping so that I am the one BRINGING THE FOOD IN THE HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE. And it is getting to be a habit. I think about the ice cream waiting at the end of the day.

This has to change, especially if I am going to make real progress. The problem is that I cannot say with certainty that I can't eat past 9pm. Sometimes that is when I get home and have a chance to eat dinner, but even with that the late night snacking has to stop.

And it isn't even a food as comfort thing, because honestly I have never been happier. Instead it seems like celebratory food - a "life is great, have cake" mentality. It is a great place to be, but it is a dangerous one too for me.

So no more 80/20 day by day. I can't afford to triple my daily calories thanks to an hour of binging. I need to reign it in - sugar and salt cravings alike. But how? I need some tools folks, and accountabilty and when I need those things I turn to my blog. So how do I break this cycle and get on track.

I haven't eaten tonight (though it was a big dinner) but I feel the urge to go upstairs and rummage. But I'm here instead, asking for your help. What can I do? Are their healthy snack options? Is there a grocery store police that I can hire to guard me? Timed locks on the freezer? It needs to stop. Tonight.

I want to succeed in this. Why is this so hard?

Wordless Wednesday 2: No longer in need of a haircut

2011-05-18T22:46:00.001-05:00

Where did my little baby go and where did this BOY come from?

Wordless Wednesday: In need of a haircut

2011-05-18T10:52:00.000-05:00

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-05-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

* Little goat has a cold and stayed home today. We went to urgent care last night to get a steroid (and an antibiotic for his forming ear infection) as his asthma wasn't quite controlled but now he's bounced back super quickly, which is good. I'm not happy that the asthma is a continuing issue for him but I am very happy that we are closer to controlling it.

* His cold was such that he was feeling much better after each nebulizer treatment so we went for a walk this afternoon in the stroller. We walked 2.10 miles and even stopped at the playground, so he must have been feeling much better. (And I got a workout of sorts in, so it was a win) I think we'll head back to daycare tomorrow.

* I was in the office for a half day as it was my supervising pastors last day and there was a lunch. I cried. She has helped me heal a lot from all of the crud of my old congregation and has really brought me back to a place where I enjoy and feel called to ministry. Such a gift and I will miss her a lot. I'm glad there are still lots of other awesome people on staff at my current church. I am very blessed.

* I really want to go see the movie Bridesmaids. I think it might be worth springing for a sitter so Mr. Goat and I can have a date. Now if only we could find a date that we are both free!

* Question #1 on my mind today: Would you ever consider a vacation without your child? I'm thinking yes, even though I'd miss him every second. But am curious about your thoughts.

* Question #2 on my mind today: What is your favorite low cost summer activity for kids - parks, splash pads, parades, etc? I'm particularly interested in those of you who live in the Twin Cities.

* My 5k is in less that two weeks. I am in no way ready, at least not where I'd like to be, but I'll go out and give it my best. And I'll be beside some amazing people from the #priorfatpack.

* Mr. Goat has a vendetta against the dandelions in our yard. I just think they are cheerful.

* It looks like we are a go for a family vacation this August. I am thrilled because it means 1. a beach. 2. a beach with the extended Goat family. 3. which means that we aren't the only ones watching the toddler so I might actually get to sneak away and read a book by myself on the beaches of North Carolina.

* I need a game night. Or a bridge night. My strategic brain is numbing and it needs some exercise.

* RIP Harmon Killebrew

* It was so beautiful out today. When the sun finally appears in the spring it really is glorious.

* Sometimes it baffles me how I've made very good friends with the help of the internet and social media. It seems strange except that it is so true. I am very grateful for it and the people I've met. Thanks friends. I less than 3 you!