Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Have I been away too long?

If I just write here today will anyone notice this spill of words on a blog that has stalled?

And what do I say?

Do I ponder the weight loss and stalls and blogging at PriorFatGirl, do I talk about hating potty training, or always being busy, or how little goat is not so little and enjoying preschool and how I can't help but feel a little hole in my soul over how fast he is growing.

Do I say that I miss this place, and you, and the sense of identity the blog helps me discover in myself?  Do I say that life is hard, and beautiful and sometimes I just want to sit awestruck in wonder of it all, but that there is always more to do.

Do I talk about that feeling that everyone seems to have it more together than me, even though I am fairly together these days as my own standards go. 

Do I talk about the funny stories, the painful ones? 

This blog is my blog and I can write about what I want, but the problem is I just don't know.  The words are wrapped up in a knot of yarn.  Tangled by a life of twists and turns and bumps.  I want to unravel that yarn but first you have to find the ends, and coax out the knots.

I want to pause and take a picture of my life and have time to study it before moving on.  To commit each moment to memory, but it seems to zoom by faster and faster.  And I tumble after it trying to keep up and hold on, and I wonder if I can possibly keep up.

What would it mean to just stop the running?  To sit and wonder and commit a moment to memory?  Am I brave enough to try it, even if it means being counter-cultural?

And if I stop, then how do I know I won't be left behind like my blog.  A casualty of busy.  Or is stopping the solution.

So what do you say to start again, or to stop and look and listen and feel, but then to move forward with intent?

I don't know, but I'd like to try.