Mommy Weight Loss

I'm going to call my sister in law out a bit here.  I hope she doesn't mind, but a comment she made on facebook got me to thinking today, so I'm going to share my thoughts with you.  V knows that I love her, and value her support so I'm hope she won't be frustrated that I got annoyed today!


On Facebook this afternoon I posted the following:


Why am I always the most hungry the day before my next weigh in?! Must resist eating more food!


It's probably due to the stress of the upcoming weigh in.


Go to the gym instead. You'll feel much better!


Now firstly, this is almost certainly true.  I do get stressed about the upcoming weigh in.  And I know that working out does help, and would help in this case, with one exception.

I have no time to go to the gym today.

This isn't meant to be a whiny post but something of the reality of what it means to commit to losing weight as a mother.

My day today:

Get toddler up, get ready

Take toddler to daycare

Work

Lunch at my desk

More work

Run to return a library book before it is overdue

Pick up toddler

Make dinner

Serve dinner

Take toddler to Tues music class

Get home

Toddler bedtime

(more toddler bedtime....)

(go to sleep already....)

clean up kitchen (this is still waiting actually)

log my dinner food

blog

watch an hour of tv before crashing in bed.

Now I know, I KNOW, that I could do a DVD now instead of writing this post.  And I know that I probably good try to get up and workout at 5am, but the reality is that my sleep is important to my mental health, and the bit of tv with Mr. Goat is also important to my mental health.

Now, not every day is like this.  Sometimes I can get away over lunch and workout.  Mr. Goat and I have built family gym time into Monday, Thursday and Saturday.  I always try to workout on my day off Friday and on Sunday afternoon.  But Tuesday and Wednesday (church night) it is nearly impossible to schedule in.

And that is the crux of the issue.  I can't just "go to the gym" everything needs to be scheduled and planned for.  If I don't plan it I can't get it done, and Tues and Wed are the days I know that the gym is one too many things.  Instead I focus on my eating, and yes it sometimes means that I get hungry and worried about the upcoming weight loss.  But it is the reality of life with a small child and a full time job.

But really, is this much different than anyone's life?  If you want to go to the gym you MUST plan for it.  Otherwise it will be just another thing to try to squeeze into a too busy life.  I am learning to plan for it, and making the effort, but some days it just isn't feasible for me to go and still be the mother, wife and employee that I am needed to be.

Ok, rant over.  Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm hopeful of dropping something despite the cold I've been fighting this week.  Either way, it is another week of tracking, working out, and changing my habits under my belt.

One Breath, One Step - Fit this Girl

Getting to these reviews has taken me longer than I wanted, but I don't want to not act and process what I learned from the amazing speakers at Jen's One Breath, One Step Event.  So without further ado...

The morning began with seeing old friends and meeting some new ones.  The mood was good.  It was fun to chat with everyone, and as they only had one worker making coffee and it was and early morning we all got started a bit late, which meant more chatting.

Our first speaker was Mary from Fit this, girl!  She is wonderful - super nice and totally fit, though she worked to get there.  See:

(Source)

Now, aren't you impressed?  I've heard her give tips on lifting and exercise before but I loved this talk the most.  her focus - can you make lasting changes?

It is a question that I have a vested interest in.  Since I am in the process of making a huge change I go into it with the hope that I can make it lasting and that my work isn't futile.  I want a healthy lifestyle and a healthy weight.

What I took away from her is that I need to be the catalyst for lasting change.  It isn't that there won't be bumps in the road, but as she put it "Fall Down 7 times, Get up 8."   That is exactly what I need to put into practice at the start of my journey.  Falling down is not failure.  Failing to get back up is the failure.  We will all fall down; change in life will alter our situations and responses; times of stress, illness or crisis will provide ways to get sidetracked from a healthy life.

It is up to us, it is up to ME, how I want to live my life.  If I want to make a lasting change then I have to get up when I fall down.  No matter if it is 7 times, or 7 times 77 times.  (Sounds very like the whole premise of forgiveness that Jesus puts forward, but that is another blog post).

The other key thing I took was setting your goals to be successful.  Be specific and really map out what you want and how you will get there.  For example:

Goal: Lose ___ pounds
Task: Join Weight watchers and a gym.
Action: Attend meetings, track my food, workout 3 times a week.

The goal informs our planning but the more specific we can get the better it will help us focus on what we really want.  The goal can be anything - run a marathon, have a baby, fit in the skinny jeans.  Whatever is motivation for YOU.

Mary was a great first speaker and even though she is super buff and skinny she is honest with her struggles. I appreciate that and I appreciate her.

My question for you is:

What is your goal, your tasks to get here and the action you will take to make it happen?

Tune in later for the recaps on the next speakers!

50 Book Challenge 2012

I can see that this might be a light year for me after a month of reading.  Mostly because I am focusing a lot of my time and energy onto eating right and getting to the gym.  Which is exactly where I need to be.  But I still want to track my books, keep my list and strive for 50.  It is a good outlet for me and maybe someday I'll be able to read and walk on the treadmill at the same time.  Until then it might be slow going!

50 Book Challenge 2012

1.  Little Black Dress: A Novel by Susan McBride
2.  Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris
3. The Printmaker's Daughter: A Novel by Katherine Govier
4. The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater
5. The Designated Fat Girl: A Memoir by Jennifer Joyner
6. A Monster Calls: Inspired by an idea from Siobhan Dowd by Patrick Ness
7. If I stay by Gayle Forman
8. The Maid of Fairbourne Hall by Julie Klassen
9. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown
10. Missed Connections: Love, Lost & Found by Sophie Blackall
11. Explosive Eighteen by Janet Evanovich
12. The Persian Pickle Club by Sandra Dallas
13. Soul Cravings by Erwin Raphael McManus
14. The House at Tyneford: A Novel by Natasha Solomons
15. Swamplandia! by Karen Russell
16. The Poisoned House: A Ghost Story by Michael Ford
17. A Trail of Ink: The Third Chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, Surgeon by Mel Starr
18. Unhallowed Ground: The Fourth Chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, Surgeon by Mel Starr
19. Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater
20. Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
21. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
22. The Lady of the Rivers by Philippa Gregory
23. Let's Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir) by Jenny Lawson
24. Wonder by R. J. Palacio
25. The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes 
26. Maine by J. Courtney Sullivan
27. Baroness: Daughters of Fortune by Susan May Warren
28. Haunted Ground: A Novel by Erin Hart
29. The Serpents Shadow by Rick Riordan
30. The Sookie Stackhouse Companion by Charlaine Harris
31. Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner by Jen Lancaster
32. Lake of Sorrows: A Novel by Erin Hart 
33. The False Mermaid: A Novel by Erin Hart
34. Cinder by Marissa Meyer
35. Divergent by Veronica Roth
36. Insurgent by Veronica Roth
37. Demigod Diaries
38. The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde  ...in progress

As always, I'd love to have you join me in the challenge and am happy to receive any book requests.  I am always on the hunt for great new books!

My motivation

Jen asked an important question today on her blog - What keeps you motivated?  What keeps you inspired? 

These are vital questions for me and they boil down to my very favorite people, but for the sake of reminding myself here is what motivates me.

1. My Son

I want to be around for his life - going to school, first date, driving, graduation, college, marriage, grandkids.  Even if these things are not in store for him I want to see and marvel at this tiny person I helped give life to.  He is 2 years and 11 months old today.  I want him to grow up with "fat" mom as a distant vague memory.  I want to crawl over the playground with him now, and build snowmen without wanting to sit down and rest.

I want to dance with him at weddings, cry with him over hurts.  I want to model a healthy magical amazing zest for life.  I want to teach him that food is fuel and our choices are our own and no one else's.  I want to hug him each night before he goes to sleep and whisper in his ear how much I love him.

I want to protect my heart walking through the world by attending to my own heart and health.

2. My husband

I want to grow old with Mr. Goat.  I want to figure out how to be healthy together, side by side.  I want to be strong when he is weak, and to have strength given when I need it.  I don't want to leave him the struggle of being a single parent.  I want to look good naked, or at least be self confident in my own skin.  I want a 50 year anniversary, or a 65 year anniversary.  I want to be surrounded by our children, and grandchildren and know that we've worked hard together for something beautiful and lasting.  I want my love for him and little goat to be stronger than my love for food.

3. My future kids


I want to be healthy to risk pregnancy with fewer chances of the complications I had the first time.  I want to have the energy to face late nights, early mornings and marathon mothering.  I want to look in the mirror and see a pregnant belly, not just another bump on a lumpy tummy.  I don't want to have to leave a child in the NICU if I can help it.  I don't want to be the weak link in carrying a baby to term.  I  want to meet more children of ours with the knowledge that I am healthier than I ever was.

4.  Myself

I don't want to judge myself based on what I see in the mirror.  I want to shop in the regular stores.  I want to keep up, and drive the pace.  I want to be the instigator, not the one dragging her feet.  I don't want to hold anyone back, least of all myself.  I want to see the world, and fit into an airplane seat.  I want to look like I belong in a gym, not like an imposter.  I don't want to be called fat by children at church or the grocery store.  I want to be healthy and happy so that I can care for others.  I want to stop saying "I can't."  I want to believe I am capable of daunting tasks.  I want to be full of possibilities.  I want to wander without being lost, and run without being chased.  I want to be the hero of my own adventure.  I want to face my fears and triumph. I want to see magic in everything.  I want to be able to see God's image in me.  

And that, dear friends, is why I am on this path, long and hard though it may be.  Because all of that...that is what I really want.  Not the brownie, or the chips, or the pounds.  I want my life to be full, not just my stomach.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 3

Well, I worked hard this week, like the last too and am pleased to say that I still had a loss!  So without further ado:

 -2.6 Pounds

- 6.4 lbs Total to Date

 I don't know if it is because it was over 2lbs again, or if it was just breaking the 5lb mark and getting a sticker at my Weight Watchers meeting today but I feel much better about this weigh in than the past ones.  I seem to be getting the hang of this despite some daily or weekly challenges.  


Most importantly though, I am continuing to make choices consciously and changing my plans if I make a poorer choice so I don't spiral out of control.  Some victories this week include having 5 days of activity, avoiding dessert while out with the family, and bringing my lunch several times to work.


It makes me excited to get to 10lbs, even though it will likely be another 2-3 weeks before that is even likely.  But it is coming.  Also, I'm getting close to changing my "tens" number - which is always good.  Hopefully next week.


And in the spirit of putting my loss in perspective here is my total pounds lost to date in food - 5lbs of sugar and a pound and a quarter of butter.  (was almost to adding another stick - oh well).  Imagining that off my frame is so much more tangible than the random number.  Goodbye sugar bag - I won't miss you.
 

Balance

My One Breath, One Step recaps are coming, I promise.  I am finding it hard to get the emotions and motivations they gave me down on paper.  Also, I am tired.  So tired, and I finally had an ephiphany about why I am SO tired.

I am working three full time jobs.

Ok, so not really.  I am working one very busy job, being a full time mom, and putting myself full time into this weight loss thing.

Last week I worked as normal, participated in two worship services, Wed night programs and Sunday School, worked out 5 times, went to One Breath, One Step, and a therapy appointment, all while making sure that my son was happy, fed, rested and had plenty of positive attention.  And I had a lot of help to get it all done, especially from Mr. Goat.

I feel sort of like a plate spinner.  The moment you focus on one plate the others need attending to as well.  You just keep going and going and hope that nothing drops to the ground.

But honestly right now I am so tired.  And hungry.  The last two days I have been hungry no matter what I eat. Even having eaten every point, plus two extra weekly points today, drinking 150oz of water, and having a balanced dinner, it is still taking most of my will power not to go to the fridge and eat every scrap of cheese in on the shelves.  Or ice cream.  Or chips (that I don't have - thank goodness).

I assume this is a sign of my metabolism kicking in and the workouts doing what they are supposed to, but it is taking effort tonight.

And my weigh in is tomorrow at 9:30.  Will it show a loss?  I hope so, but I don't know.  A tentative weigh in at the gym on Monday didn't show much of a change.  So I don't know.

I am still determined to succeed, but the balance of it all is so hard.  I can't do everything "full time" so how do I find the balance?

How do you find balance between work, health and family?

One Breath, One Step - How I got there

I spent Saturday Morning at a coffee shop with 40 other people who are, have or want to change their health and their weight.  It was Jen's (A PriorFatGirl) One Breath, One Step event.  I have been to them before and always enjoy the chance to connect, ask advice, receive support and information about figuring out this healthy living thing.  I always left inspired.  Naturally I hoped to go to this one as well.

Unfortunately I looked at our budget post-Christmas and since I was spending the money on Weight Watchers, it really wasn't a good option for me to spend money on at this point.  I tried to win a ticket on Jen's blog, but the random number generator didn't look my way.  So I lamented not being able to go and continued to work on my journey alone.

So you can imagine my surprise when Jen sent me this email:.


Liz, 


Someone reached out to me today regarding an order they placed this morning for a ticket for the One Breath, One Step event on the 21st. They requested that I send you the ticket information with the following: 

Liz,  

You're taking all the right steps. 2012 is going to be your year! You've joined Weight Watchers and you're doing the hard work of finding a balance, on so many levels, from the food you consume to your work and family life. You are such a wonderful & giving person, always taking care of your family and friends. I wanted you to have the chance to have a few hours to focus on *you*. Enjoy the One Breath, One Step gathering with old and new friends. Celebrate the amazing steps you've already taken, and it's just the beginning! 

A friend 

Jen closed with the details of the event, but I confess I was already crying too hard to take it in.  First, because it was such a kind and generous gesture.  To be singled out as deserving of a gift is a special thing.  To have it be given anonymously so that there is a mysterious benefactor seems doubly special, because it is just a gift of love to me.

Secondly, it is because somewhere someone recognizes that I am worthy of making these changes and that I am CAPABLE of making them.  Someone was willing to spend money to ensure that I had the support to succeed.

I'm going to be blogging over the next few days about what I've learned at the One Breath, One Step event.  I want to focus on each of the amazing speakers.  But I couldn't begin my recap of an amazing morning without a heartfelt thank you to whoever it was out there who sent me this gift.

I am blessed with amazing friends and amazing support.  This is a beautiful reminder of that.  So, wherever you are, from the bottom of my heart:  

Thank you.

Putting things into perspective

On my frame, -3.8 pounds hardly seems to make a dent.  Oh, there are fleeting moments when I think I might see a difference but it is hard to know if that is true or a trick of the light.  But several people pointed out that there is a way to picture that fat off my body - sticks of butter.  In fact, 3.8lbs is slightly over 15 sticks of butter.  Need a visual?

Um, ew.

So there is real and significant weight off of my body.  Somehow it seems more impactful to me to picture what 3.8lbs of fat actually look like.  Now I don't know that it is 100% fat that I've lost, but still that is a lot of mass off my body, even if I can't quite tell where it came from yet.

So I have my healthy salad with protein for lunch, and drinking water and am moving forward.  Progress is Progress, and I haz it.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 2

I went in with high hopes this morning.  Secretly I was hoping for 2.6 which would bring my to 5lbs lost.  Instead I got this.

-1.4 pounds

-3.8 lbs Total to date

And now I have a dilemma.  On the one hand -1.4 is exactly in the .5-2lb weight loss we are told to expect.  I get that.  And a loss is a good thing.  On the other hand, I expected it to be more.  I guess I always thought that if I really got my act together that the weight would come off a little faster just because I was now attending to it.  As if willpower alone could play a role in the speed in which I lose weight.

I mean really, I have been following the plan to a T.   I don't know, I just hoped for more.  Somehow -1.4 makes me feel like I'm doing something WRONG rather than following everything like I'm supposed to.  Or that there is some trick to getting the scale to recognize my efforts.  Instead the slow progress seems agonizing.

The painful reality is though that this is realistic weight loss.  And realistically even if I do this well every single day that I will still be fighting this fight for YEARS.  It makes me sad to know how far I have to go, and the reason I have so far is that I did this to myself.  The scale is just part of that equation.  I'm the bigger part.  I did this, and I have to change it.  And it sucks.  

But what other choice do I have?  Now is not the time to give up, it is the time to keep fighting and hope to reach 5lbs next week.  One day at a time.

M's and W's

For the past several days I have had a fun size pack of M&Ms in my pocket.  I know it is there.  It was a treat from Little Goat's Christmas stocking and I brought it for incentive for good behavior (read: bribery) at a recent outing.  He calls them M's.  Every time I put on my coat I remember that it is there and I think about those little M's. And for some reason, instead of thinking of the candy coated chocolate, I think of this cartoon.

I consider this progress.

Tomorrow is my second weigh in at Weight Watchers.  I'm less confident this week.  Don't get me wrong, I've met nearly every goal this week.  I have remaining weekly points left.  I went to the gym twice (though I wanted to go 4 times but the sick child won out).  I was within 3 points of my daily amount each day.  (more often just under).

Still, I haven't noticed the immediate changes as I did last week.  Or I don't think so.  Sometimes I think I do, but 1-2 lbs on a 300+ frame are hard to notice.  So once more I go into tomorrow with uncertainty in my head.  But I also go into tomorrow's meeting with M's in my pocket....reminding me of how far I've come.

One of these days I will need something to lure compliance from my headstrong toddler and I will give them up, but I am confident that I won't be the one eating them.  Instead they remind me of the choices I have and the choices I will continue to make.

No longer M's but W's...so long as I don't eat them.  Weight Watchers for the Win....er I mean the loss (hopefully!)

Stay-at-Home Madness

Today Little Goat and I were home for Martin Luther King day.  Technically E has been home since Wednesday with a cold bug and Mr. Goat and I have been alternating frantically working and staying home with the sick kid.  Today he was well though, for the first real day.  If daycare had been open he would have gone.
Luckily the office was closed for me too.  So E and I had the day to ourselves.  It went as follows:

* Little Goat gets up fairly early, I am exhausted and wished for more time to sleep.
* Breakfast - Mr. Goat goes back to bed having sucumb to the cold bug little goat had last week.
* Watch some TV - I struggle to stay awake on the couch with Little Goat.
* Go to the gym - workout with Little Goat to the Y childcare.
* Explain to childcare that while he had been sick he is now fine and his lingering cough is due to asthma.
* Take Little Goat to Panera for lunch.
* Try to wrangle a bouncy toddler while trying to eat lunch.
* Try to convince said bouncy toddler to stop running around the restaurant, while trying to bus our dishes.
* As we are leaving Panera watching that toddler have a coughing fit which causes him to throw up all his soup from lunch.
* Mention to the manager that my son threw up, escape with toddler who is now demanding M&Ms.
* Skip the grocery store in favor of getting the toddler home on the off chance his getting sick was not due coughing.
* Try to get little goat down for a nap.  Give up after an hour plus of putting him back in bed.
* During that time try for 20+ minutes to even get him to take a timeout for hitting me.
*Give up, go back downstairs and turn on the TV.
* Finally track my food for the first time today.
* Mr Goat returns from a few bleary hours at work.
* Make dinner - realize something was improperly packaged (aka open already) and probably not safe to eat.
* Remake new dinner.
* Clean up spilled milk by Little goat.
* Toddler dumps full plate in rebellion.
* Get him some new food in an effort to get him to eat something.
* Listen as he tantrums and returns to the basement.
* Finish my dinner and talk with Mr. Goat.
* Head to basement - find Little Goat asleep on the couch.
* Try to put him to bed much to his dismay.
* Mr. Goat coaxes him to sleep while I track my dinner points.
* Toddler asleep I finally get to the grocery store.
* Return, put food away, do laundry and finally sit down for some me time.

Whew I am exhausted.  I haven't had a shower, I smell from the gym and I'm worn down by the stubborn (mostly adorable) toddler and reminded that I really am a better mom when I am a working mom.  It gives me time to process things in my own head a bit better than the constant go-go-go of toddler living.

Still that sometimes feel likes a confession that I should keep to myself.  "Hi I'm Liz.  (Hi Liz) and I'm a better mom when I'm not home all the time."  But that is the truth.  Most of the time I look forward to mutual days off with him but today I am worn down and ready to head back to work tomorrow.  Maybe Little goat will be a little nicer to me tomorrow too, it wouldn't hurt.

Doubt

I've made it through the weekend successfully.  I've stayed on plan and while I have eaten slightly less healthy foods I've been choices so that I am still budgeted.  I'm eating enough veggies and drinking my water.  I have only been to the gym once this week thanks to little goat's cold.  I have the day off tomorrow though so I'm going to go again.

I've done everything I am supposed to, but I have this nagging doubt this week.  I feel bigger than I did last week some how, even though Mr. Goat assures me he sees places where I am smaller.  Still I'm uncertain about whether or not Weight Watchers will work.  It almost seems like I have too many points and can eat too much food to sufficiently lose weight.  And what about sodium?  Or time of eating?  Or all those things.

I hope that I will register a loss on Wednesday but right now I am doubtful of my progress, for no discernable reason.

I push on, but I wonder what Wednesday will bring.

Success by Planning

Well, I forgot to take a picture of my food at lunch.  Something about diving right in because I was hungry.  But here are the stats of the day.  I ate breakfast.  I had lunch - steak faijtas, no tortillas, fixings and splurged on the corn cake at Don Pablos.  Not even a single chip passed my lips. 

Sick kids changed our dinner plans so I ate dinner at home with my remaining points.  I also choose to use 3 extra weekly points to give me a bit more hummus for my fresh veggies.

So I consider today to be a success.  I planned and worked within my plan but still had choices.  Plus I got to hold all of these babies and hug some dear friends.  That makes it an even bigger success in my book!

Preparing for success

Tomorrow I am going out to eat twice.  With adults!  For conversation and friendship!  Wheeee!

But going out is also a stumbling block for the Weight Watchers plan.  Yes you can eat anything on the plan but you still need to be mindful of the points and keep on track.  And that can be a challenge, particularly if you are going into something blind.

So I decided that I wouldn't go in blind.  Today I spent some time on the websites of the restaurants and some Weight watchers points sites and planned my options out.  I haven't decided what to eat exactly, but I have a list of some "better" options so that I can make good choices tomorrow.

The good part about going out tomorrow is seeing my friends and getting away from the everyday.  It is not about the food, it is about the fellowship.

So I'm determined not to let it be about the food.

It is true I am likely to use a good chunk of my weekly points tomorrow, but I'm not going to go overboard because I have planned to be successful.  And so I will be.

I'll report back tomorrow night with photo proof of how I did!

Gym: Mom's hour off

I was home with a toddler with a nasty cold today.  Most of they day was spent watching endless hours of Blues Clues (his current favorite DVD), with a little Thomas the Train and Seasame Street thrown in. There was the work to get him take his nebulizers and he felt just well enough today to start to have strong opinions again.

When Mr. Goat got home it was time to take a break from the sick child care and Mr. Goat graciously let me escape to the gym.

I realized that my thinking must be changing when I was excited to go.  I was excited to get moving and get off the couch and away from the incessent Blues Clues.  I was excited to earn those activity points with Weight Watchers.  And I was excited for the good feeling post-workout.

I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do.  I thought about doing a Couch to 5k workout but my first run was a struggle.  So I picked up my walking pace, found something good on the TV and started going.

A hour and a 5k later I wrapped up.

Seriously, I walked a 5k just because I was excited to be moving at the gym.
I'm pretty sore now, but I am still reveling that I went out in the cold and got a great workout in.  Go me!

Weigh in Wednesday

Well despite E being sick and being up part of the night with him I made it to my meeting this morning.  The verdict for my first week at Weight Watchers....

-2.4 pounds

Honestly my first instinct was "That's all?!"  My co-worker who attends meetings with me and is already much smaller than me pulled in a 4 pound weight loss in week 1.  And I really rocked it out this week.  I think I bought into the fact that "Week 1" is supposed to be a magical number you never really experience again.

But the more I think about it the more I'm doing ok with that number.  First, it is a loss after all, so that's good.  I also asked my leader who asked me about my exercise.  When I said I worked out 4 times that week, she mentioned that when you first start working out your muscles like to hold on to extra fluid and it takes 2-3 weeks for the regular exercise to get the muscles to settle into a new routine.

So ultimately I am exactly where I was last night.

1.  I did the plan and was successful this week.

2.  I need to do the plan as wholeheartedly this week as last week.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I weigh in for the first time on Weight Watchers.  I've been following the plan and tracking for the last 10 days but this is my first weigh in since I found a partner to go with me on Wednesdays.

Despite the nagging doubts I have I know that I have done everything I'm supposed to in the plan.  I ate my daily points, used weekly points where needed.  I worked out 4 days.  Everything, including my pants, point to the fact that I have lost something.

And yet there is anxiety in facing the scale knowing I gave it my all.  What if I don't lose anything?  What if I lose a little bit but I get frustrated because I wished it was more?  What if... What if...  It is those what ifs that used to keep me from following the plan to the fullest.  If I sabotaged myself  then I was never surprised by the result.  Tomorrow, I don't know what the result will be because I refused to be sabotaged this time.

But I am hopeful, but more than that I am determined.  To that end I have made myself 2.5 promises about tomorrow.

1.  I will continue to follow the plan next week no matter what the outcome.
2.  I will celebrate that I have accomplished a solid week on plan regardless of the number on the scale.
2b. Celebrate does not mean eat food.

I can keep those promises.

I'll keep you posted.  I imagine it will be an interesting experience tomorrow.  I'm hoping for a good number its true, but I am promising myself to keep on with the fight no matter what.

Getting to know you - Friend Making Monday

I need a break from the emotional roller coaster that my first week of Weight watchers is giving me.  Or at least I need a break on the blog.  I'm still on track for points and I worked out today too.  Things are going fine, but I just don't want to talk about it too much today.  So I thought I would do more of a get to know you blog for those who are finding yourself here.

Conveniently, a blogger I follow over at All the Weigh has a little link up called:

The rules are simple: answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see the FMM questions and answers.  Blog readers can add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts.  This week's topic:

FMM: Getting To Know You

1) What is one of your favorite ways to spend a Saturday? Ideally sleeping in, but since having children I just like Saturdays to be family days to reconnect be rejuvenated.

2) List your top three favorite TV shows.  The Big Bang Theory, Dr. Who, and a rotating host of reality competition shows - particularly cooking and fashion ones, i.e. Top Chef, Project Runway, etc

3) Would you rather be in pictures or take them? Probably taking them, but I do want to be in plenty to document my presence in my son's childhood, not just that mom was behind a camera.  It is a hard balance to find.

4) Why do you blog? I blog to find my voice and make sure that I remain myself.  Secondarily, to connect to an amazing community of bloggers.

5) Share five websites that you visit regularly…

• weightwatchers.com 
• twitter
• facebook
• pinterest
• My google reader

6) If you could have lunch with one person from your Twitter list who would it be? Wil Wheaton @wilw

7) List a few of your favorite snacks. Cheese - of all sorts. Ice cream.  Chips.  Obviously I have to find new healthier options.

8 ) Do you have a pet? If so, what kind? Two cats - Doppler and Tsumani

9) Which three material possessions would you struggle to live without? My phone, books/my library card, my car

10) What’s your favorite drink? It used to be diet coke, but I gave up soda 7 months ago.  Now, sparkling flavored water.

11) Do you enjoy cooking? Not as much as I enjoy eating.  I'm working on it.

12) Do you have children? One - E, aka the Toddler, aka little Goat

13) What are your favorite hobbies?  Blogging, reading, writing, and slowly I'm learning to like working out.

14) Would you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing? Pretty shy at first, mostly because I feel awkward in person.

15) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change? The biggest thing I'd like to change is my weight/health and I'm working on that.  Other than that, I'd really like to be less of a procrastinator.

16) Who is your favorite actor/actress? Not sure.  Depends on the movie/role.

17) What’s the coolest thing you’ve done this week?  I hope the coolest thing will be a good loss at my weigh in on Wed.  We'll see.

18) Do you live near your family or far from them?  My parents are about 5 hours away.  Mr. Goat's parents are about 1 hour away.  Our siblings are more spread out, but we manage to see each other fairly regularly.

19) List three of your talents.  Writing, trumpet playing, cards/games

20) What is your greatest attribute? I am slow to anger, quick to forgive and very loyal to my friends.

I'd love it if you played along.  Even if you just leave some highlights in the comments here.  I love knowing how might be out there reading these random thoughts of mine!

Aha moment

Yesterday I had an unplanned lunch out - Beef Brisket sandwich and fries at one of those places that could be on "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives."  It was delicious but put in me well over my daily points and took up a good chunk of my weekly points. 
It was good and I didn't go over my total points so therefore ok by the plan.

Today I had a lunch of Eggs, cheese and veggies - peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli.  Total points for all I ate?  11 pts.

After each meal I was just as full.

Both were delicious.

"Aha." I said.  "Aha, I can make better choices, be full and still enjoy eating"

Sometimes progress is yummy.

Something other that Weight Watchers?

I want to avoid this little blog of mine turning into a healthy living weight loss blog.  No I really hope I am able to post some success in this manner I don't want to become a broken record.  I am more than that I know.  But right now, trying to figure out this healthy living is all I think about.  I am checking and rechecking my points for the day.  I'm tracking and getting to the gym and generally agonizing about whether I am eating too much or too little or what.  The past two days I've had to dip significantly into my weekly points and it has me stressed out. 

But I keep telling myself not to worry.  Or trying to.  I am not over my points yet and if I focus I won't go over my points either.  There is still some room to spare.  And I need to remember I haven't fallen off the program just because I made a few less-than-stellar choices.  I'm not even over my total points.

I think the fear dwells in this:  I've done Weight Watchers before, albeit in a half-hearted way.  I never had much success, probably because of said half-hearted way.  I am really afraid that even giving it my best effort I will not be successful.  Somewhere it seems like sabatoge would be easier than the realization that I can't lose weight.  It is absurd I know and in realizing it I'm doing my best to fight against that fear.  I've never had a full week "on plan" so how could I even know.  And I am going to see it through to see what happens.

I just hope I lose something.  Wednesday seems forever away.

Like I said, I hope to talk about something other than my weight on this blog.  And I hope that I will soon.  But right now, that's what I've got.

Angry at a Turkey Sandwich

I realize that processing my emotions will be crucial for my journey but what I write here may sound a little absurd to those who don't have emotional eating related issues.

Today at lunch I was MAD at my subway turkey sandwich - with cheese, no mayo, honey mustard.  I have the points for that sandwich.  It was a good sandwhich, but I wanted to throw it across the room.

Why?

Minutes before I was in Target purchasing the things I needed for Sunday School this week.  I had a shopping list that took me down the candy aisle, and the chip aisle, and the baked goods, and the ice cream aisle.  Not to mention the Starbucks in the Target.

I made good choices and got only what I needed for Sunday School.  For myself (on my own dime) I got some Extra Dessert Delights Gum.

But later when eating my sandwich it made me mad.  It made me mad that I *had* to eat this while millions of people are shoving delicious bad-for-you foods in their mouths around the world.  It made me mad that mayo is 3 points.  And that the real work ahead of me means that I need to eat like this FAR more often and the other things need to be occasional budgeted treats.

Really, I know I'm more mad at myself than at a turkey sandwich.  This is a mess of my own creation, and I need to do the hard work to get out of it. 

The sandwich was good.  Loaded with veggies and well within my lunch points range.  I'm still on plan and actually doing well following it, but there are untapped emotions swirling around right now and I need to figure out a way to feel them and not let them derail me.

It is hard.  And that makes me mad.  But I'm not giving up.

Two events of yesterday

Two things happened yesterday of note.  Well probably more than that, but two that I am going to share with you know.

1.  I went to a Weight Watchers meeting and weighed in and got the ball officially rolling for what I hope to be a road to a healthier me.

It was strange sitting in that meeting.  I've gone to them before and often used humor (often self-deprecating) and hiding in the back of the room as my defenses of choice.  The desire to crack a few jokes certainly came in to play a few times, but I have to say I feel engaged and interested in how people make it work.  (According to #WW words that describe foods that *MAY* be bad for you include - Au Gratin, Fried, Crispy, etc.  REALLY #WW?  Fried food is BAD for me?  LOL)  (P.S. Unfortunately that list does include some of my very favorite food words...Au Gratin....mmmmmm)

Maybe it was seeing people slink in after the holidays that gave me some comfort too.  This is a long process.  I'll be slinking sometime very soon, but the important part is to slink.  It was comforting too, to see the number I'm starting with and realize it was a few small pounds lighter than I expected.  Not good by any stretch, but not my heaviest.  And that I will take!

2.  During my church program last night a Kindergartener came up to me, grabbed my mom-belly belly fat with both hands and said loudly "You're Fat!"

I have to admit, I am never sure how to respond to things like that.  I know how I would respond to my OWN child, but I'm his mom and can tell him exactly how rude and hurtful words can be - when said to myself or others.  But I never know how to respond when it is another child, particularly one who I am supposed to be teaching, mentoring and looking after in a church program.  (Sadly, similar things have happened like this before.)

And here is the thing, the kid is speaking the truth.  I am fat.  I know that, everyone knows it.  It is an observable fact.  Kids are taught to tell the truth, and often are known for pointing out the obvious.  But it is hard to have the moment of realizing that it IS true.  It does hurt.

Now why do I bring up these two stories together?

There have been times in my life when either of these events would send me straight for my two friends Ben and Jerry.  Weigh ins are traumatic when you are this big.  Meetings in the face of the success of others can be challenging when you are struggling.  Insensitivity and hurtful words, especially the true ones, can be embarrassing and shaming.

But yesterday instead I ate the points I was allotted.  Filled up on water and veggies and said to myself, "I got this."  And just this second I do.  So someone remind me of THIS when I maybe reach a place where I don't.

Yes.  I am fat.  But I'm working on being fit instead.  And so long as I am working on it, it cannot fully define me.

P.S.  Though parents?  Be sure to teach your kids that just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be said.  MmmmKay?

Wordless Wednesdays: Some of the things I choose NOT to eat today

I had my first weigh in today and numbers continue to be hard, but this is a celebration.  Just look at a glimpse of all that I choose NOT to eat at a work lunch today.  And that didn't even count the fudge right above these goodies.  Pushing on, one day at a time.

Choices

(source)

In the spirit of the New Year, I'm rebooting my healthy living efforts.  Frankly it needed to be started long before now but I had to spend some energy getting more mentally/emotionally healthy.  Now that my head is in the game it is time to get the body in the game too.

So, I joined Weight Watchers.  I've been doing it for 4 days so far and feeling my way around.  My first meeting is tomorrow morning.  Including the weigh in.  But it is time to face the music and reclaim control of that number.

"What's different right now?" you might ask.

It is true, I've tried this before, even with weight watchers, but it feels different now.  I think the difference is that I realized this is my choice.  Obvious yes, but it is my choice to eat or to focus on what is more important - being healthy, losing weight, getting my body ready to be pregnant again some day.  I want to be a mother to my son, a wife to my husband, and to have more kids.  I'm 32 and had 1 high risk pregnancy.  The time is now to make the change. 

And I have the choice.  And somehow during these four days every better choice I've made has made it that much easier to make the next better choice.  I'm sure I'll have really hard days, and I'm sure that I will stumble.

But I am in control of my own choices.  And my choice is to lead a healthy life.  Now I just have to find the ability to make it happen.

Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be talking about this more often!

Book Challenge 2011 wrap up

Another year is in the books and I finished a grand total of 68 books this year.  Honestly I feel like there might be one or two more that I forgot to write down, but no matter, it is pretty close.  And 68 books is no laughing matter, so I'm pretty good with this.  Also it means I've 358 books in the last 6 years.  Not shabby at all.  Most of all I enjoy reading all these books.  It quiets my brain over lunch, and settles my patience during the naptime drama.  So I'm going to keep on reading.  As always I'm happy to recommend my favorites if anyone wants to know.  Some stand outs this year were The Hunger Games Trilogy (partly read in 2010), The Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, State of Wonder by Ann Patchett, and Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok.

Now onto the list for 2012 - once I finish a book that is.  Happy Reading.


50 Book Challenge 2011

1. The Lacuna: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver
2. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
3. The Piano Teacher by Janice Y. K. Lee
4. Walking the Bible: A Photographic Journey by Bruce Feiler
5. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Ann Lamott 
6. The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan
7. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin
8. Traveling with Pomegranates: A Mother and Daughter Journey to the Sacred Places of Greece, Turkey, and France by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor
9.  A View from the Back Pew: God, Religion & Our Personal Quest for Truth by Tim O'Donnell
10. The Girl in the Gatehouse by Julie Klassen
11. Leaping Beauty: And Other Animal Fairy Tales by Gregory Maguire
12. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
13. The Unquiet Bones: The first chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, surgeon by Melvin Starr
14. Shades of Milk and Honey by Mary Robinette Kowal
15. Mom: A Celebration of Mothers from StoryCorps by Dave Isay
16. A Corpse at St. Andrew's Chapel: The Second Chronicle of Hugh de Singleton, Surgeon by Mel Starr
17. The Heretic's Daughter: A Novel by Kathleen Kent
18. The Fiddler's Gun by A.S. Peterson
19. The Fiddler's Green by A. S. Peterson
20. Stories: All-New Tales by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio
21. Moonglass by Jessi Kirby
22. Big Red Tequila by Rick Riordan
23. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
24. My Name Is Child of God...Not "Those People": A First Person Look at Poverty by Julia K. Dinsmore
25. Living Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris
26. Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
27. The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life as an Experiment by A. J. Jacobs
28. The Kane Chronicles, Book Two: The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan 
29. Half-Baked: The Story of my Nerves, my Newborn, and How We Both Learned to Breathe by Alexa Stevenson
30. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
31. Viola in Reel Life by Adriana Trigiani
32. Viola in the Spotlight by Adriana Trigiani 
33. Dead as a Doornail by Charlaine Harris
34. Possession by Elana Johnson
35. Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner
36. Definitely Dead by Charlaine Harris
37. All Together Dead by Charlaine Harris
38. From Dead to Worse by Charlaine Harris
39. Dreams of Joy: A Novel by Lisa See
40. Crunch Time by Diane Mott Davidson
41. If You Were Here: A Novel by Jen Lancaster
42. State of Wonder by Ann Patchett
43. The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin
44. Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris
45. The Shape of Mercy: A Novel by Susan Meissner
46. Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok
47. Fractured Fairy Tales by A.J. Jacobs
48. The Year of Living like Jesus: My Journey of Discovering What Jesus Would Really Do by Edward G. Dobson
49. Bossypants by Tina Fey
50.  The Saturday Big Tent Wedding Party by Alexander Mccall Smith
51.  The Broken Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin
52.  The First Husband: A Novel by Laura Dave
53.  Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
54.  Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich
55.  The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
56.  Killing Kate by Julie Kramer
57.  Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner
58.  Heiress by Susan May Warren
59.  Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
61. The Baker's Wife by Erin Healy
62. The Wilder Life: My Adventures in the Lost World of Little House on the Prairie by Wendy McClure
63. Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan
64. The Penderwicks at Point Mouette by Jeanne Birdsall
65. The Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness
66. The Hum and the Shiver by Alex Bledsoe
67. Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Ann Lamott
68. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

Welcome 2012

Well, I managed to stay awake until 12 midnight last night, kiss Mr. Goat a Happy New Year and I promptly rolled over and went to sleep.  This is the life of married folks with small kids I suppose.  Little goat graciously slept in and now he and I are hanging in our pajamas while Mr. Goat and Papa are at the Vikings game.  So far 2012 is off to a good start.

2011 was a good year over all, but it had a lot of tough parts.  I'm looking forward to 2012 and making it a year to commit to getting healthier overall - mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.  And best of all Mr. Goat and I are on the same page.  This is the year to figure it out - what works may ultimately look differently for each of us, but this is the year to begin making it a priority.

So to that end, and in honor of 2012 here are 12 things I want to keep in my mind this year as I commit again to becoming more healthy.  These are not resolutions per se, but simply things that I need to remember for me to be successful.

1.  Healthy living is not an all-or-nothing proposition.  Balance is necessary.

2.  Go easy on myself when I make a mistake - this is hard stuff, mistakes happen but get derailed long-term.

3.  Start everyday over again.  This is a one-day-at-a-time sort of process.

4.  Ask questions, ask for advice.  People want to help me and it will help me stay accountible.

5.  Family demands will change your plans, be flexible and find new ways to make things work.

6.  Being hungry sometimes is NOT that big a deal.  Listen to what your stomach is really saying.

7.  Drink your water - it always helps.

8.  Little goat deserves a mother with more energy.

9.  Even if I manage to lose a pound a week all year that is 52 pounds.  Little efforts grow to big changes!

10. Track my food.  It really is a key to success.

11. Keep an eye on my emotions - they trigger unnecessary eating far more often than hunger.

12. I am worth it.

12 things to keep in mind.  I'll need to print these out and remind myself of them.  What would you add to this list?

2012 is the time to do it.  So far I've joined weight watchers again, tracked my breakfast and am drinking my water.  Those are easy things, but it makes a big difference.  Join me on the journey this year?