Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The monster inside

It hits first thing this morning.  An insatiable pit in my stomach.  Some living breathing monster calling for your soul, and for donuts.  It pulls my brain inward until all my actions seem to be viewed through my stomach's eyes.

It starts calling for those things that have been denied it.....Buuuuurgers.  Friiiiiiiiiiiiies. Baaaaaaaacon. Caaaaaaaaaaaaake. Chiiiiiiiiiiips.  Braiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins.

And I am left staggering in response as coherent and articulate as a zombie.

In a rational moment, I know what gave birth to this monster:  weigh -in day, hormones, stress, more hormones, and more stress.

I know what the cause is but I feel so powerless against the monster's whispered urge to spin through the baked goods like some fat Tasmanian devil.  I want to create a tornado of powdered sugar and sprinkles around me.  I want to eat fast and furious without even tasting.  I just want to eat.

It's been a while since this pull felt so strong or powerful.  It had been reducing as I saw success, but today it feels alive inside of me.  A Mr. Jekyll trying to get out and take control.

I don't want to let it have that power.  I want to deny that it even exists, but that side of me does and today it is hungry.  It is the sort of day when I wish that food wasn't actually required to survive because abstinence seems like the only want to not fall down a slippery slope to a buffet somewhere.

There are plans in place to combat this, but even my plans didn't keep me from that bag of chex mix when I had to fill up the car this morning.  I managed to get the chex mix instead of the chips but it still feels like I gave that monster just a little too much power.  But it tasted so good.

And I don't like it.

I don't like that this monster lives within me and food is the source of its power.

I don't like that even a meal or a day of giving into it can mean that many more hours of responsible eating and working out.

I don't like that 30 pounds could be erased so quickly if I give in.

Some people's monster's live under the bed, lurking in the dark.  Mine lives in my stomach and he's hungry.  And today I'm not sure I'm strong enough to defeat him.

But I'm going to try.

#justwrite

3 comments:

Heather said...

Oh wow can I identify with this! You an do it, though. Sounds like you've lost a significant amount of weight, focus on how far you've come and don't beat yourself up for the Chex Mix :)

Sabrina said...

I feel like you were inside my brain this morning! Totally how I felt before I went to the gym, then I killed the monster!! RAWR!

Ann said...

So true. You said what everybody thinks and feels and goes through. THIS is when it gets hard, and THIS is when so many people quit! Have you heard the statistic that 9/10 people are NOT successful in long-withstanding weight-loss efforts? THIS is the time that 9 out of 10 people QUIT. You, Liz, are NOT a quitter.