Monday, February 06, 2012

Weight Watcher Fears

It has been a rough couple of days around here for me with Weight watchers.  And no, it's not what you think, I haven't gone off track eating or gone over my points.  Instead I am getting bogged down in my own head.

I know that I had a good week last week and I am anticipating a smaller week this week, but my head is all tangled up in a big mess of fears.  Fears of the process, fears of the result, fears of failure, and fears of success.

The nearest thing I can think of to compare it to is motherhood.  You know those moments as a new mother when it is all so intense and every decision you make seems fraught with peril?  No?  Just me?  Well, let me explain...

When I had little goat, every decision seemed to have long lasting consequences.  I would spend hours worrying about how things of his preemie beginning might effect him down the road.  Would he fit in with his peers at preschool?  Would he be too clumsy to excel at soccer or some other sport?  Will he get made fun of for being ____.  Once I started worrying about ANYTHING, I was worrying about every tragedy that could befall my child from here until college.  And then I probably started crying because my baby would someday go to college.  This is a bit of hyperbole, but not much.

Or am I the only mom who did this in my hormonal, sleep deprived state?  I didn't have much perspective beyond the seemingly fragile, helpless baby that I was now responsible for.

Like the first time he slept through a feeding in the middle of the night...I woke up in a panic certain he was dead.  Instead he was just sleeping, but it got my heart pounding.

I feel like I'm in the same place now with Weight Watchers.

At first there was some hesitant confidence - I'm doing it and I'm having success - YAY!

But this week in particular seems to be full of head games:  Is this food "enough" points?  Is it too many?  How many should I spend on lunch so I'm full but so I have enough for dinner which I haven't thought to plan yet?  What if this is unsatisfying and leads me to make bad choices?  Is it worth the points?  If I splurge now will it start a spiral downward?  If I splurge now will it keep me from a binge?  What should I consider a splurge anyway?  Have you seen the points for X, I'm never going to get to have X again?  Is bacon worth it?  Ice cream?  What about lunch?  dinner?  Tomorrow?  Did I work out enough?  Should I eat my activity points?  What will maximize my loss?  Did I drink enough water?  Do I need more breakfast?

If you read all that I am impressed with your persistence.

That's the jumble I'm getting myself caught up in.  I have new program tunnel vision and I am vitally afraid of making a mistake that will get me off track because if I get off track I'm not sure I'll be able to find the track again.

And if I do have success what happens then?  Is this mental tennis match a part of every day, every bite, for the rest of my life?  Because I think I'll go crazy.  Or is it simply a function of the "newborn stage" that I'm in.  And if so, how do I get some perspective and realize that is isn't all or nothing.  Because right now I'm ending up with successful days that still leaving me feel like I haven't done enough, and I really don't want that to spiral into some sort of crazy obsession with what I eat and when.  I want it to grow to be easier.

Because right now it is just hard, and a little scary.  And I'm doing everything I can think of right, but I am still afraid.  How dumb is that?  I'm not sure at what point this will become the norm and I will have confidence in my ability to navigate real life with weight loss, but right now weight loss seems like that show WipeOut and I am doing my darnedest not to fall in the water.

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6 comments:

Kat said...

1. I promise. It gets easier. There is a point where eating this v. eating that yields a result that is non-surprising. Where breakfast, lunch and dinner aren't a roll of the dice.

2. Use that fear for positive while it still lurks. Let it guide your decisions towards the things that are the most nourishing for your body. Because re: #1 it will get easier.

Above all other things, keep your head up. You are being successful. You are laying the foundation for all of the pounds that have yet to come off (in addition to those that have!) and a lifetime of healthy choices that will come without second-guessing.

Valerie said...

First of all, what Kat said. It's all so true.

Second of all, if you're really worried about how you felt as a new mom, just watch Terms of Endearment (just the beginning). That first scene will tell you that you're not the only one who's felt that way. It's all normal, and eventually you will find some balance.

THINawi said...

It DOES get better and easier and way LESS obsessive! While there are days and weeks that might still feel stressful and overwhelming, it eventually becomes second nature.

And I also second what Kat says!

Meredith said...

Liz! It gets easier, you start to learn what your body craves and you make natural decisions about what to eat. It does help at first to plan, that way in the heat of the moment you aren't plagued with worry and indecision. Also, really, the *worst* that can happen if you eat the wrong thing is #1 you will end up hungry and out of points, so you won't ever do that again or #2 you will feel guilty and unfulfilled so you won't ever do that again :) Also, if you feel like you are gonna snap....you have your regular meeting every week to talk to your leader and the other members, they've been there, too! Finally, you will always be Liz and no matter what happens, no matter what you eat....Mr Goat, little goat, your friends and I, love you lots <3

Sabrina said...

I recently learned how easy it does get. In all my hustle and bustle I was making good choices. It just happened. You are getting there too, one day at a time. Keep pushing on!

Sending all my love & support! You got this!

Casey@LoveWhatIs said...

That sounds really hard. I don't do well with rationed points. I tend to do better with a list of foods (breakfasts, lunches, suppers, and snacks) that I know are on the "yes" list. Then, I mix and match for the weekly meal plan. It helps me keep a more long term view whereas worrying about points makes me feel very short sighted.

I hope you're able to find some balance with it and remember the long term goal is health even if the scale doesn't always reflect all the choices you are making.