It has been a rough couple of days around here for me with Weight watchers. And no, it's not what you think, I haven't gone off track eating or gone over my points. Instead I am getting bogged down in my own head.
I know that I had a good week last week and I am anticipating a smaller week this week, but my head is all tangled up in a big mess of fears. Fears of the process, fears of the result, fears of failure, and fears of success.
The nearest thing I can think of to compare it to is motherhood. You know those moments as a new mother when it is all so intense and every decision you make seems fraught with peril? No? Just me? Well, let me explain...
When I had little goat, every decision seemed to have long lasting consequences. I would spend hours worrying about how things of his preemie beginning might effect him down the road. Would he fit in with his peers at preschool? Would he be too clumsy to excel at soccer or some other sport? Will he get made fun of for being ____. Once I started worrying about ANYTHING, I was worrying about every tragedy that could befall my child from here until college. And then I probably started crying because my baby would someday go to college. This is a bit of hyperbole, but not much.
Or am I the only mom who did this in my hormonal, sleep deprived state? I didn't have much perspective beyond the seemingly fragile, helpless baby that I was now responsible for.
Like the first time he slept through a feeding in the middle of the night...I woke up in a panic certain he was dead. Instead he was just sleeping, but it got my heart pounding.
I feel like I'm in the same place now with Weight Watchers.
At first there was some hesitant confidence - I'm doing it and I'm having success - YAY!
But this week in particular seems to be full of head games: Is this food "enough" points? Is it too many? How many should I spend on lunch so I'm full but so I have enough for dinner which I haven't thought to plan yet? What if this is unsatisfying and leads me to make bad choices? Is it worth the points? If I splurge now will it start a spiral downward? If I splurge now will it keep me from a binge? What should I consider a splurge anyway? Have you seen the points for X, I'm never going to get to have X again? Is bacon worth it? Ice cream? What about lunch? dinner? Tomorrow? Did I work out enough? Should I eat my activity points? What will maximize my loss? Did I drink enough water? Do I need more breakfast?
If you read all that I am impressed with your persistence.
That's the jumble I'm getting myself caught up in. I have new program tunnel vision and I am vitally afraid of making a mistake that will get me off track because if I get off track I'm not sure I'll be able to find the track again.
And if I do have success what happens then? Is this mental tennis match a part of every day, every bite, for the rest of my life? Because I think I'll go crazy. Or is it simply a function of the "newborn stage" that I'm in. And if so, how do I get some perspective and realize that is isn't all or nothing. Because right now I'm ending up with successful days that still leaving me feel like I haven't done enough, and I really don't want that to spiral into some sort of crazy obsession with what I eat and when. I want it to grow to be easier.
Because right now it is just hard, and a little scary. And I'm doing everything I can think of right, but I am still afraid. How dumb is that? I'm not sure at what point this will become the norm and I will have confidence in my ability to navigate real life with weight loss, but right now weight loss seems like that show WipeOut and I am doing my darnedest not to fall in the water.