Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hiding

Nearly every morning, little goat comes into our room, turns on all the lights to wake us up (we've been busy hitting snooze) and hops into our bed to hide under our covers.

"Hiding!" he calls loudly, asking in that one word for you to come find him under the blankets where he feels invisible despite the toddler size lump now in the middle of the bed.

So I look for him, gasping as I find him as he squeals in delight of surprising mommy.  Then we do it again.  And again.  Sometimes we hide together and sing songs under the covers as daddy hops in the shower.  Wheels on the Bus in a duet under a duvet.

The thing about his hiding though is that he knows he will be found.  He knows I will look for him, again and again and I will find him, tickle him and laugh along side him.  He knows.

I've been hiding a lot lately, but no one (or very few people) knew.  But instead of a visible lump under the covers my hiding was a lot more subtle.  I was hiding in plain sight.  Oh, you could see me, and talk to me and I went about the business of being mommy, and wife, and coworker and friend.  But the truth is I was suffocating under a blanket of my own creation, desperately wondering if someone would come find me.

Mostly because I could not seem to find myself.  I was hiding so deeply that I'd forgotten where I was, like hidden Halloween candy stumbled upon months later.

I was wrapped in a blanket of sadness, doubt, overwhelming guilt and expectation, of being less than.  And the more I stayed in that blanket the more I believed it and the parts of me that I treasure and cherish seemed to fall away into nothing.

The more I stayed under the blanket the less I became me and the more hidden I was from the world and from myself.

A "less than" me.

And it took months to realize that this "less than" me had a name....depression.

I didn't realize.  I wasn't unhappy after all.  Just so very tired of being "less than" and acutely aware that I didn't seem to change it.  The more "less than" I became, the less I could fight against the blanket weighing me down.

I was hiding in plain sight unable to be found.

And one day I realized that if no one knew I was hiding, no one would know to come look for me.  So I had to look for myself.

And I made some calls and did some talking and looked at some options.  And said that I was going to stop hiding.

Today I still feel some how "less than" I was, but I am "more than" the day before.  And that is a good start.  And more importantly, I'm sharing that I am hiding, so that maybe people know to look for me.

And I can continue to be found.

Not a "less than" me.

Just me. 

A lump under the covers still but knowing I will be found.

A #justwrite post today because I am tired of hiding in plain sight.

23 comments:

suzi said...

OH Liz, I can relate. It's hard but just you accepting it and finding ways to lift the covers is huge. Your friends will ALWAYS come look for you and show you how awesome you are. Hope your days get better. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

TrinaDi said...

Huge, HUGE hugs. You're not alone hiding in plain site. So many of us have been there.

Missy @ Marketing Mama said...

Liz,

I'm not sure if this was difficult to write or not, but it is so well written it's beautiful in it's honesty and metaphor.

I was particularly taken with the line, "And one day I realized that if no one knew I was hiding, no one would know to come look for me. So I had to look for myself."

You are such a wonderful person (and friend) who is at the top of my list of AWESOME. I'm glad you are finding yourself and doing okay. Big hugs. xoxo

Jo said...

You are so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for being brave and letting us know you were hiding. I love you friend.

TwinsBSBallGirl said...

Liz, you took something so real, that affects more people than we will ever know, and managed to make it into a beautiful blog post while all the while getting past the stage of denial.

Hugs to you as you begin the process of finding yourself and your full happiness again.

Know that so many of us have been there and are here for you, now and always.

Emma said...

Great post, Liz. Such a good metaphor, and so well said. Like others have said, I've been there, too! Hope things continue to look up, and let me know when you are ready for that lunch we talked about.

Melinda said...

This is such a beautiful post....and one that speaks to me as well. Please know that you are "more than" to so many people!

Heather EO said...

I understand this. So well. Thank you for writing your truth. It's beautiful.

Monkeymama said...

(hugs) I'm glad you are working on helping yourself be found.

Marie said...

Wow...where do I start?

First you had me giggling, then you had me crying, and then you had my empathy. I'm so glad you shared this...I go through depression phases myself. I call them phases, because I'll be up and about, feeling great for months at a time, until suddenly, I crash. And then I can't get out of bed. I don't answer the phone. I don't check email. I don't blog. I don't do anything except go through the motions.

Please know I'm thinking of you and I hope that you feel better soon. I'll look for you. You aren't alone, even if you want to be, or even if it feels that way.

God Bless,
Marie

anna_r said...

I'm proud of you, friend. You know He will always come looking for you, and so will I. {that was supposed to be sweet and heartfelt but kind of sounds stalker-y... you know what I mean=) }

Anti-Supermom said...

So, so proud of you for working on being 'found'. Such a beautiful post, Liz!

Misty said...

I feel like I could have written this post...

Liv @ Choosing Beauty said...

This is a beautifully raw and real post, Liz - bravo for writing it and for working to find yourself again. The words to Amazing Grace ring in my ears - "I once was lost, and now I'm found."

I have been where you stand. It sucks hard. And yet I want you to know that it's also an opportunity - one you're already seizing - to discover things about yourself you didn't even know before. You will find yourself and then some. You will forge a path to deeper joy and self-love. By coming out of hiding and asking for help, you're giving you AND your precious family an amazing gift. Sending love and light your way...

Kelly said...

This made me cry reading it (and that's a good thing)! You are far stronger than you generally give yourself credit for. Thank you for posting this. A stunningly beautiful post.

Jen, a priorfatgirl said...

This is an amazing post -- you truly have a way with words.

Thank you for finding yourself. Thank you.

Galit Breen said...

This is so beautifully told, and heart bracingly relatable.

I am glad that you called "Hiding!" Our littles sure know what they're doing sometimes, don't they?

I'm also glad that you're finding you first. You matter.

Meredith said...

I'm so happy that you found yourself, I'm so sorry that I didn't know to look. I'm glad you are here and found. You are such an amazing and wonderful woman and I'm lucky to know you.

I've been through a similar confusion of "where did I go" and thought I was a horrible person and didn't know why, fortunately someone else found me, I was lucky.

You are strong and insightful and I'm impressed how you were able to find yourself, many can't.

#Love thank you for sharing your heart, hope to see you soon.

<3 Mer

Elle said...

Beautifully written and heartwrenchingly honest. I've been there, too, and it's awful - I'm wrapping you in a big heart hug. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

You are so strong and lovely, Liz.

Sabrina said...

Everyone before me have said everything I could say, but only I could give you my hugs.

**hugs** xoxox

Kris said...

(hugs) I have been there Liz, fighting to stay out of the dark while being dragged there kicked and screaming. Before you can blink you are in the dark, unsure of what can be done, and not wanting to do anything.
You aren't alone, and knowing that may help. You have an amazing way with words, and the way you chose to share this was amazing.
If you need to chat, or just need some company, because sometimes just having someone there is enough, let me know.
We can lunch soon or something, let me know!
(hugs)

Sarah - Fat Little Legs said...

Awww... I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. Know that it happens to all of us at times, and you are not alone in this. Please let me know how I can help you, as you have been such as help to me. And yes... we need to get together for that walk... what are you doing this weekend? Facebook me.

Rebecca said...

Powerful. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I hope and pray you will be on the track to healing soon.