Nearly every morning, little goat comes into our room, turns on all the lights to wake us up (we've been busy hitting snooze) and hops into our bed to hide under our covers.
"Hiding!" he calls loudly, asking in that one word for you to come find him under the blankets where he feels invisible despite the toddler size lump now in the middle of the bed.
So I look for him, gasping as I find him as he squeals in delight of surprising mommy. Then we do it again. And again. Sometimes we hide together and sing songs under the covers as daddy hops in the shower. Wheels on the Bus in a duet under a duvet.
The thing about his hiding though is that he knows he will be found. He knows I will look for him, again and again and I will find him, tickle him and laugh along side him. He knows.
I've been hiding a lot lately, but no one (or very few people) knew. But instead of a visible lump under the covers my hiding was a lot more subtle. I was hiding in plain sight. Oh, you could see me, and talk to me and I went about the business of being mommy, and wife, and coworker and friend. But the truth is I was suffocating under a blanket of my own creation, desperately wondering if someone would come find me.
Mostly because I could not seem to find myself. I was hiding so deeply that I'd forgotten where I was, like hidden Halloween candy stumbled upon months later.
I was wrapped in a blanket of sadness, doubt, overwhelming guilt and expectation, of being less than. And the more I stayed in that blanket the more I believed it and the parts of me that I treasure and cherish seemed to fall away into nothing.
The more I stayed under the blanket the less I became me and the more hidden I was from the world and from myself.
A "less than" me.
And it took months to realize that this "less than" me had a name....depression.
I didn't realize. I wasn't unhappy after all. Just so very tired of being "less than" and acutely aware that I didn't seem to change it. The more "less than" I became, the less I could fight against the blanket weighing me down.
I was hiding in plain sight unable to be found.
And one day I realized that if no one knew I was hiding, no one would know to come look for me. So I had to look for myself.
And I made some calls and did some talking and looked at some options. And said that I was going to stop hiding.
Today I still feel some how "less than" I was, but I am "more than" the day before. And that is a good start. And more importantly, I'm sharing that I am hiding, so that maybe people know to look for me.
And I can continue to be found.
Not a "less than" me.
A lump under the covers still but knowing I will be found.
A #justwrite post today because I am tired of hiding in plain sight.