Two weeks before, well, let's just say I'm as likely to begin laughing hysterically as I am to burst into tears.
I fluctuate wildly between over confidence and a complete lack of confidence in my event planning skills. I have confidence because I have put VBS's together 6 times before. I do know what I am doing and I have the skills to make it work. I lack confidence because there are just so many components and no matter how many lists I keep I still burst awake at 3am and wonder if X is on my list and if I've taken it into account. Add to all of this the fact that this is my last event that will complete my first year at my new job. This time next year I'll have seen how VBS operates at new church but right now I am using the word of others and my own imagination to piece it together. So even though I know the VBS beast I'm tracking it through completely new territory.
And sometimes I am not certain that I am enough.
I can feel that way a lot, VBS just brings it out. I can feel like I just am not enough. I don't have enough time, or enough skills, or enough organization. I don't have enough volunteers, or patience, or artistic ability. And even though I know it isn't all me that needs to have all of those skills and abilities, I feel the pressure of being the one organizing and in charge of it all. SO even when I love what I get to do, sometimes I feel, I am just not enough.
But when I take a deep breath I realize that I am wrong. I am enough. You know why?
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
~ Psalm 139:1-18Coincidentally, this is also the psalm that is the main theme for our VBS this year. I have often thought of this psalm and related it to children. I think of it when I pray for children, and my friend's pregnancy. It gives me confidence to trust that difficult pregnancies can work out, like my friend Sara's pregnancy currently.
But I seldom think of it for myself, but when I do I realize that there is no way I couldn't be enough. I am called to my ministry and deep down even in my most stressful days I love what I do. I love working with kids and parents and making all sorts of creative decisions daily. Even when it is hard I love it and I am good at it.
Of course I am. God made me for stuff such as this. He knows me and sees my challenges and successes. He knows how to raise me up to levels that I have yet to see. Which isn't to say I won't ever fail, but it is to say that I won't FOREVER fail. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and so is each of the 150 kids and 60 volunteers who will come to church in two weeks.
I owe it to them to give it my all. God expects no less, but God also knows that I am up for the challenge.
And I am.
I am enough.