Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A lot to work with

Sometimes the tasks ahead of me seem insurmountable.  They seem like "walking through Mordor to throw a ring in Mt Doom" difficult. Or "find all the horcruxes before Voldemort kills you and everyone you love" challenging.  It seems that way, but it is not.  I build things up and place the path of accomplishments so high that it is no wonder they seem impossible to me.

In my mind I'm not really losing weight unless I do it Biggest Loser style - fast, single-mindedly, and, did I mention, fast.  And if after a week of extreme efforts that yield me a 1 or a 2 lb weight loss, I throw up my hands and say that I'm incapable of this.  And go back to the ice cream.

I've done this for as long as I can imagine - setting up a task in front of me in such a way that perfection is impossible. And I am still surprised and frustrated when I fail.  Every.single.time.

Last Friday I bit the bullet and decided to push and do a 5k at the gym to prove that I could before the actual #priorfatpack 5k on Memorial day (6 days, yikes).  I worked out HARD.  I pushed and ran for longer stretches than I ever have (2 min, but it is a long stretch for me).  I beat my previous time coming in with a walking/running time of 56:33min.  Elated I posted it on Facebook and twitter and people were so nice about.  They cheered me on.

But after the elation wore off and the exhaustion crept in so did the voice.  The one that tells me that 56:33 is such a pathetic time and people can walk the whole thing faster than that.  The voice that says it isn't enough.  The voice that compares me to others.

I am still proud of Friday.  I have to be because it was huge - mentally and physically for me.  But I am fearful of never shaking this idea that my best is so much less than other peoples.

But this morning as I was reading a blog post a phrase stuck out at me, and it stuck out enough for me to choose blogging over my lunch hour:

I have a lot to work on, but I have a lot to work with.

This is what I have to remember each day.  Not the comparisons to others, but that I have so much within myself and surrounding me that I have plenty with which to succeed.

So I started a list of what I have to work with.  Here is the start of it:
  • I am smart.  If I want to figure something out, I can.
  • I am stubborn.  Oh so stubborn.
  • I am loving and learning to love myself.
  • I am faithful. I believe that God is there and has given me enough to be perfectly me.  Not perfect.  But perfectly me.
  • I am strong. So much so that sometimes it surprises me.
  • I am loyal.  I will give to others freely, now I must translate it to self-loyalty.
  • I like to know things.  
  • I like to learn things. 
  • I like to challenge myself.
  • I will try new things.
  • I am willing to reach out when struggling.
  • I have so much to motivate me - friends, family, little goat.
  • I have a flexible job and can find a way to make time for becoming healthy.
  • I am silly.
  • I am flexible and open to change.
  • I like vegetables.
  • I like to help others.
  • I bounce back from dark places.
  • I have a family and friends who support me in all I do.
  • I have enough security to feel safe, but not so much that I feel complacent.
There will be more as I think of them but this is a start.  Yes.  There is a long way to go.  I have so much to work on.  But I have so much to work with too.  Perfection is no longer my goal.  Failing does not mean I am a failure.  Instead I seek to be perfectly me and that means fighting each day to be healthier than I was yesterday.


Melinda said...

This is a great list! I should put something like that together as well to keep myself motivated....

You are doing a great job, by the way. Your 5K time was nothing to sneeze at! Good luck on Monday!

Sarah - Fat Little Legs said...

Progress... not perfection has always been my mantra throughout my weight loss journey. I lost 115 pounds 1-2 pounds at a time. That is real weight loss... the biggest loser only makes it seem like it isn't. The biggest diservice I did to myself was to delay my "start". I wish I had done this a long time ago, because I missed out on so much. You have many amazing qualities that make you worth and capable. You are worth this Liz... you really really are!

Elle said...

Well how's this for crazy? Apparently while you were reading my post, I was reading yours.

Great perspective Liz. It sounds like you're making huge strides in the mental battle, and the rest of it is certainly within your grasp. I'm looking forward to catching up with you this weekend and running the 5K together. It will be a really fun time for the priorfatpack.

Thanks for writing this post.


Amelia Sprout said...

I have been passed while "running" on the parkway by people walking. I understand. You are amazing and have the right attitude to be successful.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

You have me in tears. Love this.


Mary Beth said...

Hooray for YOU!!!!!!

Corryn said...

Hey, you're already well on your way to making a "50 (or 100) things I like about myself" list! It was one of my goals recently. It may sound impossible, but once you sit down and think about it, it's easier than you may think. :)

sabrinaisonthemove said...

Love the list! And you'll do great this week! You are prepared with lots of tools to work with!! See you in a few days!!! YIPPEE!

~moe~ said...

Hey Liz...your time is nothing to sneeze at. Fact: you're out there doing it when so many others in the world aren't (and could be/should be). 1-2 pounds a week is a HEALTHY way to lose weight. Fast weight loss can lead to fast health problems. Take your time and remember it's just one step at a time. You're doing awesome. Keep up the great work, keep working on that list, and keep smiling. You are well on your way to success! :)

darcie said...

Every. Step. Counts.

It's so easy to give up...You can do this...xoxo

Sister Goat said...

Liz, this post is so great! You are amazing and you do have a lot to work with. The best part is, you realize that and you are writing it all down here! That is an accomplishment. Maybe Friday's time wasn't where you wanted it to be, but it was under an hour AND you can't make progress if you don't have a starting point (or time) to improve from. Additionally, as someone else stated, 1-2 pounds of weight lost per week is healthy. As I have learned this year in my oh so many athletic training classes, it is true that losing any more than 2 pounds per week is quite dangerous. It can lead to other health problems and it makes it much harder to keep the weight off! With that said, you are succeeding! You are right on track! I love you so much and I am so proud of you!

Monika said...

Wow Liz - Don't be so tough on yourself. This journey will forever be about one step at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time. Love yourself for the commitment & every personal success. It all adds up & it all counts in the end.

krisgetshealthy.com said...

You and I need to become much better friends. I see so many similarities between us. Perhaps once your life slows down a little we will get a chance to sit and chat more. *hugs* I am looking forward to the 5k with you. Your time is right around mine and we are going to kick ass!!!! <3 you!!!

Momma Hunt said...

Love this post. I know how you feel I get easily defeated I have been stalled out on my weight loss mainly because lif ehas been so hectic I don't have time to go to the bathroom let alone the gym. So instead of saying this is a period of maintence I instantly head to "I am a failure" so hang in there and I love love love your list! Plus your time for the 5k is amazing, posting any time is a godo time