In my mind I'm not really losing weight unless I do it Biggest Loser style - fast, single-mindedly, and, did I mention, fast. And if after a week of extreme efforts that yield me a 1 or a 2 lb weight loss, I throw up my hands and say that I'm incapable of this. And go back to the ice cream.
I've done this for as long as I can imagine - setting up a task in front of me in such a way that perfection is impossible. And I am still surprised and frustrated when I fail. Every.single.time.
Last Friday I bit the bullet and decided to push and do a 5k at the gym to prove that I could before the actual #priorfatpack 5k on Memorial day (6 days, yikes). I worked out HARD. I pushed and ran for longer stretches than I ever have (2 min, but it is a long stretch for me). I beat my previous time coming in with a walking/running time of 56:33min. Elated I posted it on Facebook and twitter and people were so nice about. They cheered me on.
But after the elation wore off and the exhaustion crept in so did the voice. The one that tells me that 56:33 is such a pathetic time and people can walk the whole thing faster than that. The voice that says it isn't enough. The voice that compares me to others.
I am still proud of Friday. I have to be because it was huge - mentally and physically for me. But I am fearful of never shaking this idea that my best is so much less than other peoples.
But this morning as I was reading a blog post a phrase stuck out at me, and it stuck out enough for me to choose blogging over my lunch hour:
I have a lot to work on, but I have a lot to work with.
This is what I have to remember each day. Not the comparisons to others, but that I have so much within myself and surrounding me that I have plenty with which to succeed.
So I started a list of what I have to work with. Here is the start of it:
- I am smart. If I want to figure something out, I can.
- I am stubborn. Oh so stubborn.
- I am loving and learning to love myself.
- I am faithful. I believe that God is there and has given me enough to be perfectly me. Not perfect. But perfectly me.
- I am strong. So much so that sometimes it surprises me.
- I am loyal. I will give to others freely, now I must translate it to self-loyalty.
- I like to know things.
- I like to learn things.
- I like to challenge myself.
- I will try new things.
- I am willing to reach out when struggling.
- I have so much to motivate me - friends, family, little goat.
- I have a flexible job and can find a way to make time for becoming healthy.
- I am silly.
- I am flexible and open to change.
- I like vegetables.
- I like to help others.
- I bounce back from dark places.
- I have a family and friends who support me in all I do.
- I have enough security to feel safe, but not so much that I feel complacent.