Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Dusting off

I am dusting off this post from Ash Wednesday last year. I have a whole slew of reflections, deep thoughts, and realizations surrounding Lent, my personhood, baby goat, my weight and a whole host of other things and I want to get to them.  However my life is caught up in the very real busy-ness of work, packing for our move (2 weeks!) and life.  I hope to write a reflection tonight after worship as Ash Wednesday (for reasons revealed below in last year's post) is exceedingly meaningful for me.  Until then I still remember as I did last year and so I share with you again....  

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My Most Precious Dust
Ash Wednesday 2010


Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I was one of the people putting ashes on people's heads at church on Wednesday.  One by one adults and children in my line shuffled forward to receive their cross of ash.


Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

A cross in ash smeared in acknowledgment of humanities true powerlessness and our startling ability to mess up things over and over again.

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

A cross in ash signifying that without God's grace we are no more from the dust which we came.

I said it again and again, all the while thinking of last year's Ash Wednesday.


Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I remember...

Swollen, sick, sicker than I knew.  I remember the 80 lbs of water on my frame. I remember lying on my left side, feeling all that water weight pool around me. The baby kicking his way away from the monitors.  The grim news that I couldn't do it much longer, that the numbers were too high.

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I remember...

Trying to keep up the energy for my visitors.  Trying to be positive with the nurses. Trying to keep the numbers down and the baby safe for another day.


Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I remember...

A church family stopping by after Ash Wednesday services.  They brought communion and ashes for my forehead.  I remember those words...

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

...and I was aware for the first time in my life that they were more than just words.

I remember being afraid yet comforted.

I remember then next morning. "We've bought all the time we can, the numbers are all wrong, today's the day."  Then pain, confusion, chaos.

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I remember strapped in a cross on a table.  The seriousness of the situation and the levity of a broken bed.  The joy of a cry, the sadness in the rush to the NICU, then suddenly I'm back in the room. Deflated, deflating, tired, pained, alone.


Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I remember...


Back to reality,

In another line my baby receives his own cross.  Last year we were together with one cross, this year two, yet still connected.

Such strange things to remember.  It hardly seems real a year later.

Over and over again I say it to others and it consumes me.

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

And I thank God for the opportunity to hear it again.  There is such joy to hear it again.  I thank God for my most precious dust:

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

I remember.

9 comments:

Sabrina said...

Amen.

James said...

Love it Liz. Wonderful.

krisgetshealthy.com said...

Love this! Thank you for sharing Liz!

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

So often I am moved by a post and I want to write something but can't put it into words. This is one of those times.

Beth Blair said...

Beautiful.

Mary Beth said...

(o)

Colleen said...

Tears. Thanking God for you in my life, and the gift of life eternal.

trishatfox said...

So beautifully written. So moving. I was especially moved at our Ash Wednesday service last night and unable to express why. Thanks for doing such a good job where I failed.

Meredith Curry said...

I just found your blog and love it.