Tuesday, November 02, 2010

The aftermath

Yesterday my PriorFatGirl nomination post went up and I was buoyed immensely by the kind thoughts and love and care from so many people.  Each comment was a affirmation that I am on the right path and choosing to make the necessary steps, whether they are hard or not.  There was so much fear in me to share that post and I am grateful for the love and support you all showed me.

And yet being so open and raw has left me wounded and vulnerable today.  Does that make sense to anyone else?  Any weight-loss journey has a necessary battle being waged in your head - what to eat and why, how to exercise, why you have worth and value and why you deserve and have the power to change.  For every positive inner monologue there are equivalent negative ones and you can't be sure what side will win the battle in your brain.

Yesterday the negative retreated and let the positive win the day.  I was shored up and protected and motivated by your love, but the negative monster still waits in the shadows much like Gollum lurks within Smeagol from the LOTRs.

So awaking this morning the negative monster redoubled its efforts...
"Now everyone knows your weaknesses.  They will judge you.  You are grasping too high, even if you do become a PriorFatGirl, do you really think you can succeed and inspire anyone?  And really, won't it be a popularity contest in the end, and you've never won one of those anyway.  It is a competition and when it comes to weight you just can't compete.  You are NOT the Biggest Loser after all, although seperately the words are apt.  What makes you think that YOU can succeed now when you have a consistent track record of failing."
And so on.  And yes I realize that I need to quell these voices and that they aren't real and that it is not helpful.  I've spent most of the day avoiding food, avoiding the inner monologue and surrounding myself with positive things.  I don't want to give into the negative self-worth monster.

I hate that monster.  If it was anyone else I would insist that the monster is lying and that you need to give as much grace to yourself as you do for other people.  I know that.  I know there is grace abudant and sufficient for me.  I know I am given grace far beyond anything I could ever deserve.  I know that I am valued and strong and WORTHY OF LOVE.

But today I'm raw.  I'm tapped out and vulnerable.  I worry that I don't have enough to give and am not strong enough to succeed on my own.  Ultimately I know whether I blog about it on PFG or here or not at all it is ultimately a journey to be taken alone.

I've tried to bury my head in the sand, to say the outcomes of this particular opportunity don't matter; what matters is the strength and conviction to begin.  I repeat it endless like a madman's mantra seeking to shield myself from the negative monster waging war in me.

There is a quintessiental movie battle image in my head.  Two opposing armys line up on a large field.  Both sides know that this battle will decide the day and the stronger army, those oppressors in power, are confident that this pesky uprising will be dealt with quickly.  The rebels are afraid and determined and have all the heart and moxy that makes them the protagonists and heros of the story.

But unlike a movie I cannot be sure that the rebels will prevail. In real life sometimes the oppressors continue to oppress.
I hope and pray that this time I am William Wallace... and Robin Hood...and Luke Skywalker...and Frodo Baggins.

I pray for the strength of character to keep the journey whether or not I "win" the luxury of doing it in an established blogging community.  After all I have an e stablished community here.  It isn't about the competition when it comes to weight loss, which is hard for a competetive person to admit.  ALL people seeking to lose weight, whether it is 20 or 200 lbs are waging these battles.  We aren't in competition with each other, ultimately we are in competition with ourselves.

I am my own oppressor. 

I am my own hero.

And today I stand in a field facing the enemy, feeling wounded and vulnerable, praying to my God for the courage to lead the charge and take the scary, difficult, ugly, and bloody steps to my own freedom.


The Marketing Mama said...

Liz - I totally feel ya on the vulnerable thing. It's scary letting all your stuff out.... but you are right, you do have an established community here. We will support you no matter where you blog about your journey.

JP said...

Liz. I want to give you a hug. So many of the people reading our posts these two weeks have no idea what its like to bear your soul for one time. 800 words. You took a chance and did awesome. I'm only 30 lbs into my journey, but I've done it so many times. Mentally I'm in a good spot now. If I could give you any advice I'd say to keep taking chances. Allow your vulnerability to help build you up. You are smart strong and I have all the faith in the world in you. Keep your chin up. Don't judge yourself against anybody ever.

Kris said...

(hug) you are so brave. Picture that battlefield. Now see yourself there, head held high, full of love and grace... Smacking the crap out of the punks. Each step you take everyday on your journey moves you toward your goal. Even when you stumble, or sidestep or doubt yourself try (i know it is hard) to remember you are saving your own life.
You are strong! You are on an incredible journey. We are all venturing along a similar path towards our own goals, but whether it is here or on the PFG site you will have people that support you just call on us. (you don't know me but im sooo with you on so much of what you have said we really do need to sit down sometime and chat)
I am glad you let yourself feel what you felt today, letting it soak in, letting it out, it all helps.
It is a process. Hope tomorrow brings you a bit more sunshine on the battlefield to blind those opponents!!

Colleen said...

Liz - so beautifully said. You have spoken words I have had on my heart a million times. About weight loss and so many other challenges. Again and again you show yourself to be so very brave, and so very beautiful whether you are able to see it at the moment or not, lean on those who see it for you... and believe US if that is all you can do in the moment.

Challenge:1yearnorestaurants said...

Putting yourself out there so you can be vulnerable is what give me and so many others inspiration. People like myself find support and comfort knowing there are other people who feel the same things as I. Bearing your soul is one of the most challenging thing a person can do, but know your efforts helps so many others.

Monkeymama said...

It's tough to put yourself out there and I can totally understand that your negative thoughts are working overtime to keep things the way they are.

My mom had an exercise VHS that we both would use when I lived at home. The guy would always say something like, "Are you feeling that now? The burn says that things are changing. You can't make improvements unless you can feel that." Hmm... it was something like that.

Anyway, your negative thoughts are feeling the burn. Get in there and work on getting rid of them. :) You were made in the image of an awesome creator. He supports you always and loves you more than imaginable. Your negative thoughts are no match for that amazing love.

I think I need more coffee - I hope that made some sort of sense. ;)

Marie said...

Completely understandable to feel the way you do Liz. I so admire your honesty. I do hope you slay the monster.

trishatfox said...

Wow! You are a good writer.

Kristina said...

What a great post. And I agree that part (most?) of the battle for weight loss is in your head. I hope you have more and more success beating back that monster in your head.

This is my first time at your blog but I think I'll be back!