This weekend was so good for me emotionally. The Bloggers conference was thought-provoking and something done for me alone which in and of itself is so valuable. Perhaps even more helpful was this week represented the kickoff of programs at new church. It has meant a lot of running around to make sure everything is on track with only a little time under my belt and there is still a week of craziness before we will really settle into a routine. Despite all the things to do it has lead to a distinct shift in my own thoughts. A very healthy shift I think.
I recently read by Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame). It is about marriage and coming to terms with some of the failures and issues surround her first marriage (that ended in divorce) and her upcoming second marriage (that was all but forced on her by the Department of Homeland Security). It was an interesting read but I was struck just how similar a job transition can be to a divorce and remarriage.
When things ended at Old Church, there is no doubt that both sides saw the end coming and thankfully I had the good sense to be keeping an eye out for other jobs. But I was surprised by the anger and hurt I still felt about the way it ended. Those stories are not for the blog but the pain is real. Likewise I was surprised by the frequency with which my thoughts traveled to Old Church and how they were doing. Were they OK? Were the programs going to be fine? There were people I didn't get to say goodbye to...were they mad? What did they hear and what did they believe about what happened?
It is hard to cut yourself off from something that dominated many of your thoughts and life for nearly 6 years, and the quicker and more severe the break the more abrupt it feels emotionally.
I was so lucky to find a job so soon and I cannot tell you how much better a fit this New Church feels to me. It feels as though I am meant and called to be there. That is a beautiful gift for me and it is healing. Still it has taken a while to shake the ghost of Old Church from my mind. I have worries that I might repeat the mistakes I had made at Old Church (I'm not so egotistical to think I made none).
This weekend marked the shift for me. New Church is home and where I am. I can only be myself and give as much as I am able. That hasn't changed. My value is real and I don't want to tarnish this new beautiful thing by dwelling on my "ex."
Mr. Goat said it well. He said, "I am more happy to be at New Church than I am to be away from Old Church" and I think that sums it up well. I will always have friends from Old Church but I am closing the door on the worries and frets and stresses that it still brings up in me. I'll be busy enough without the emotional baggage. This weekend my programs kicked off at New Church (beautifully I might add) and I am in it for the long haul... for better and for worse.