Last week was bad enough - with the hospital and baby goat's illness. What I didn't realize that it might have been a gift at that time. Because of that we got the tests done to find out that really does seem to be "just" asthma. We got our allgery results back today and everything was normal. No signs of allergies for cats, mold, dust, and several of the main food concerns as well. This is wonderful news.
And since it happened last week that means we still had insurance because unfortunately this week has found me without a job.
I have no wish to rant and rave at my church on my blog - particularly when the actions that happened are driven by a few key people and several poor financial statments, but I find myself struggling with what to say about it. There is hurt and pain, not only in the leaving but the manner and method with which it was done.
I have found myself in the last 3 days since it happened going through a wide range of emotions. I've been so angry I couldn't see straight. I've been sad. I've been ashamed. I've been embarrassed. I've been numb. I've felt guilty at leaving my volunteers in a messy situation (even if it isn't of my choosing). I've been scared. I've sick to my stomach. And that can all be in a 5 minute time frame.
I no longer doubt the connection to health and stress. I feel like I've put on 20 lbs and my head is clogged and my throat is sore. I am going to need to figure out next steps but this week it is as much as I can manage most days to get out of bed and face the day.
I hope that this will pass and that there will be some peace and calm that comes for being in this place.
Because of the church's financial troubles I can't say that this was wholly unexpected and so I have a few head starts out there but am praying one of them pulls through quickly. The luxury of having time to blog, run, and play with the baby will eat into our living ability far sooner than I'd wish.
I was supposed to be at church camp this weekend with my kids, singing songs, eating s'mores and swimming in the lake.
Instead I'm home wondering where it went wrong and worrying about what is in store next.