Monday, July 12, 2010

All dressed up with nowhere to go

It is Monday and life is hitting me hard today.  Up until today the events of last week found me thinking of an unexpected week of vacation.  But today I got up and got my son dressed and watched my two boys leave the apartment to their "jobs" and I was left home in my pajamas.  And it was heart-wrenching.

I have a list a mile long of what needs accomplishing and as soon as I'm done here I'm hopping in the shower and heading out myself.  There are lots of little things that need to be done to minimize our expenses and maximize my opportunities in the next weeks and much of this week will be spent scrambling.

And if I manage to finish it all there is an apartment that is worse for the wear from almost a month of extreme stresses that needs to be cleaned and decluttered.

There is no shortage of things to do of course.

And yet there is no work.

The programs I gave my time, energy and passion to for almost 6 years are gone and there is a sense that a limb has been cut off.  The limb may be gone but I sense its shadow as if it were very real.  I find myself thinking about what needs doing next or wondering if they are getting ready for x, y and z.  Have they called so-and-so or found an answer for regular-church-issue-43?

And then I remember that it isn't my concern any longer.  Except that it is in my mind.  My church families, they are still MY families and I know that my families will struggle with this.  Where there is anger towards those who led to this result there is also real sadness and concern for how it affects my families who had no say in the matter.

It is an worry that I can't quite turn off.  I should be focused on me right now, and my family.  What can we do to talk care of us?  And I am primarily focused on the Goat family, but I can't help but think that maybe both the church and I have had an amputation of sorts.  Are the past 6 years merely a shadow now?  Am I just being erased?

Gah, enough of that for now.  There are lists that need doing.  There is only so much time for wallowing and philosophizing when I am in crisis mode.  And believe me, we are in crisis mode.


As a matter of family records - guess who was in the ER again yesterday?  Baby goat, of course.  Of Course!  Thankfully his lungs are looking great but we have a nice double ear infection now to boot!  Still it didn't stop him from being up and raring to go to his "job" today*:

* Yes baby goat is still in daycare at least temporarily - we have to give notice if we are leaving anyway and we are trying to get that straightened out.


fritzfacts said...

The first full week is always the hardest. When Hubby was laid off last time he simply sat around not knowing what to do with himself. It was awful for him.

I hope some of your leads pan out, that you can find something quickly!

Big Hugs!

Melinda said...

I totally understand where you are right now. It really took me about 2 months to adjust to not working when I quit my job in 2008 (a job that I hated, no less!). It was the first time in 13 years that I hadn't worked and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I do hope that one of your leads comes to fruition, though. Please keep up updated.

Oh, and I can empathize with the double ear infection too! My daughter also has one right now and finally, after about 2 and half days, the amoxocillin is kicking in. Now we just have all the dirty diapers to deal with!

MollyinMinn said...

Oh Liz, I am so very sorry. You are really handling all of this so well. Thinking, processing, grieving. You will get there, wherever "there" is and we will be here to support you.

Hyacynth said...

Just wanting to give you some big hugs. I know this is so very hard right now.

Monkeymama said...

I'm so sorry about your job loss. I hope this will to bigger and better things for your family. That picture of baby goat is just too cute! Although he is hardly "baby" goat anymore. :)

Laura said...

I'm so sorry. This sounds awful. I'm glad, though, that you can process things this way. Your concern for your families (and of course the goat family) shows what a truly good person you are.