It is Monday and life is hitting me hard today. Up until today the events of last week found me thinking of an unexpected week of vacation. But today I got up and got my son dressed and watched my two boys leave the apartment to their "jobs" and I was left home in my pajamas. And it was heart-wrenching.
I have a list a mile long of what needs accomplishing and as soon as I'm done here I'm hopping in the shower and heading out myself. There are lots of little things that need to be done to minimize our expenses and maximize my opportunities in the next weeks and much of this week will be spent scrambling.
And if I manage to finish it all there is an apartment that is worse for the wear from almost a month of extreme stresses that needs to be cleaned and decluttered.
There is no shortage of things to do of course.
And yet there is no work.
The programs I gave my time, energy and passion to for almost 6 years are gone and there is a sense that a limb has been cut off. The limb may be gone but I sense its shadow as if it were very real. I find myself thinking about what needs doing next or wondering if they are getting ready for x, y and z. Have they called so-and-so or found an answer for regular-church-issue-43?
And then I remember that it isn't my concern any longer. Except that it is in my mind. My church families, they are still MY families and I know that my families will struggle with this. Where there is anger towards those who led to this result there is also real sadness and concern for how it affects my families who had no say in the matter.
It is an worry that I can't quite turn off. I should be focused on me right now, and my family. What can we do to talk care of us? And I am primarily focused on the Goat family, but I can't help but think that maybe both the church and I have had an amputation of sorts. Are the past 6 years merely a shadow now? Am I just being erased?
Gah, enough of that for now. There are lists that need doing. There is only so much time for wallowing and philosophizing when I am in crisis mode. And believe me, we are in crisis mode.
As a matter of family records - guess who was in the ER again yesterday? Baby goat, of course. Of Course! Thankfully his lungs are looking great but we have a nice double ear infection now to boot! Still it didn't stop him from being up and raring to go to his "job" today*:
* Yes baby goat is still in daycare at least temporarily - we have to give notice if we are leaving anyway and we are trying to get that straightened out.