If you know me in real life this will come as no shock. I am FAT.
Ugh, I hate that word. I hate that title. But it is true.
I've been different weights to be sure, but I've never beyond the truth of that monniker. I wonder if I ever get skinny if I will still be fat, sort of like how and alcoholic is still an alcoholic after years of sobriety.
But I am not writing that today because of me. I'm writing because of baby goat.
When he was small, so small and early, weight wasn't an issue. Or rather gaining weight was the goal. We spent 6 months on fortified breastmilk to keep the calories up. But it has become increasingly clear that gaining weight is not ever going to be baby goat's problem. All signs point to a metabolism like mine, or Mr. Goat's.
He started life at 4 lbs 7 oz. He weighed in on Monday at 29 lbs 3 oz. 97+ percentile. Off the charts.
The doctor didn't admonish us and say he HAS to lose weight. He said to watch it and to be mindful of feeding him healthy foods and only when he is hungry. Baby goat already gets pretty healthy foods - fruits, veggies, meats, dairy, breastmilk in pretty good proportions. He is just a good eater.
And yet, this is causing a crisis for me.
I've grown up fat - despite healthy food. I've been teased. I struggled against my mom trying to help because while I knew that she was trying to help as a teenager it sounded like a question of worth and not a question of health. I know full well the ease which I can overeat and the lack of an off switch I seem to possess.
And that is about me. But how do I, with all my food issues, my FAT, my overeating, protect baby goat from that? How do I teach him healthy habits? How to I ensure teach him to value healthy eating while unconditionally defending his worth, his preciousness and my love for him?
He's one. He doesn't know. There is still time. The Doctor isn't too worried...yet. I am worried. I fail at weight issues thousands of times a day it seems. I make bad choices. I need to change for me I know, but even more so I worry about him.
And yet to name it as a problem almost allows it to be a problem. Am I overreacting as a new parent? Is my overweight childhood self coming out? Would I be better off calming down and be mindful of his eating and see how it goes as he starts walking and being even more active?
Is naming it creating it? Is ignoring it perpetuating it? His baby goat doomed by his genes and his parents?
I don't know, but this worries have been swirling in my since Monday. I know a FAT life. I would protect him from it if I could, but I know the food issues that can come from manically seeking to prevent it too.
So I write and think and overanalyize and crave cookies to make it seem better and wonder where to go from here.
Mr. Goat says this post is melodramatic. He's right of course. It is channelling my very best skills of overreacting, anxiety and fatalism. I can acknowledge that, but the question remains: How can I teach my son something that I have not mastered myself?