Monday, February 15, 2010

A long weekend: vignettes

Today didn't go as I planned.  I kept meaning to get work done (cleaning, work, papers, etc) and my attempts seemed to fizzle at each try.  I did meet M and S for lunch.  S was baby goat's first live in girlfriend in the NICU and it has meant so much that we've kept in touch.  They came to our NICU room in our final two weeks there.  I remember we'd been there for almost 5 weeks already.  We had a routine going, heck I was back at work in an attempt to preserve some leave for when baby goat came home.  Baby goat was gaining weight and while breast feeding was still a vain attempt, coming home was becoming a reality.

M was in a different place.  She was in the beginning.  She was in the guilt of delivering too early ( in her case at 35 weeks due to preterm labor) and the pain of leaving her child in the NICU.  I remember she didn't want to leave the hospital ever.  Her family had to remind her to eat for her milk to come in.  We would sit in our room with curtain pulled trying to breastfeed our tiny children, frustrated and crying, and we would talk.  It was cathartic to me to share our story and show how far we'd come.  When I felt frustrated I was able to say - look where we are now!    I hope it was helpful to her too.

So Friday we had lunch.  Baby goat went to daycare for their Valentine's party even though I was mostly home all day but I got to see little S.  She is 10 months old and a perfect doll - fiesty and precious.  She is Edward's first girl and M and I know the reality of leaving our children in room 4 in the NICU.  And we know the joy of not being there any more and of seeing our children grow and thrive.  It seems so far away now and just yesterday too.

In a miracle of all miracles, Mr. Goat and I both had no immediate responsiblities on the same day!  So we packed up baby goat and went to lunch and the zoo.

Lunch was an adventure - sometime in the last few weeks baby goat's reach and dexterity has gotten good.  Too good.  Jars-on-the-floor, Kleenex-in-the-mouth good.  Also fast.  I felt bad for the poor staff at Red Robin.  At least one jar of baby food was shattered on the floor.  I learned the lesson of always bringing extra food with you - but baby goat did seem to enjoy his small bit of steak fries.  (no surprises there)

We went on to the zoo and he was more interactive than when we'd gone in August. He particularly liked the aquariums and the birds in the tropics trail.  It was a wonderful day doing toddler fun stuff which seems strange to me, but then I realize that we really do have a toddler now, or nearly.  Blows my mind.

Why hello there, do you come here often?

Ah Valentine's Day.  I worked in the morning, like always and baby goat hung out with me too as Mr. Goat was singing in church.  Strangely baby goat was mistaken for a girl at least twice.  I find this a bit strange since 1.  I work at the church and his birth was public church knowledge and 2. He doesn't look like a girl at ALL to me.  Maybe it is time to give him a haircut?

Do you think I need a haircut?

After an afternoon nap we dropped baby goat off at some church friends who graciously offered to watch him for us so we could go have a nice dinner.  We went up to the Town Talk Diner which was perfect.  Casual atmosphere, yummy food, and wacky drinks.  Mr. Goat had a Bacon Manhattan with Bacon infused vodka and a Guiness float (yes, Guiness and ice cream).  I had a cool cocktail topped with Basil oil and a big chocolately milkshake with Bailey's, Fangelico and Coffee Liquor.  For having had drinks about 4 times in the last year it was very yummy!

The Guiness Beer Float

Beyond the food and booze, it was so nice to be out with Mr. Goat alone.  Upon reflection we could hardly remember what Valentine's day 2009 had been like.  It was less than a week before I ended up in the hospital and less than two until baby goat was born.  We had no clue of course but looking back I was already pretty sick.

It was nice to have a few moments to reflect on the roller coaster that was last Feb.  We've come so far in the last year and our hearts capacity for love have expanded.  No longer is it just love for each other, but for baby goat too.   I didn't know it was possible to love Mr. Goat more than I did when we got married, but I love him now as my husband and as the father he is to our son. 

It was great to have time to reconnect and talk about anything and everything again for several hours - not just spare moments caught before bed.  It may not have been a classically "romantic" date but it worked just right for us.  We may be far from perfect but I do think we are perfect for each other.

We were home in time to tuck baby goat in, a perfect ending to a wonderful day.

If Sunday was sweet and Saturday was an adventure, then Monday was a bit of a trial.  Daycare was closed for President's day so I stayed home with him.  On one hand I love these days to just be with my baby boy, on the other I feel so inadequate by the end of the day to ever think I'll be a good SAHM.  He's just so wiggly and go-go-go these days and it can be a struggle.  I'd thought ahead and had a playdate scheduled which got cancelled (for good vomit-related issues) while we were already on the way there.  I didn't know where else to take him so it was back home we went to play by ourselves.  A bit of teething, an early morning rise and a cluttered house left me chasing him all day long.

These days make me wonder if I really do want to be a SAHM someday.  I think I do.  I want to be with my kids as much as I can, but I do like the ability to recharge away in an adult world.  As hard as a working mom is, a SAHM works just as hard and for far less credit.  Of course, maybe I am too hard on myself and I would be better than I think (it isn't like THAT's ever happened before, LOL).

I really do need to find some places to take baby goat on these days - particularly the cold snowy ones where it is more difficult to go to the park.  Our tiny apartment is getting to be a limiting space for our suddenly grabby and particular almost-toddler.

Still, I enjoyed my time with him today.  He was babbling up a storm and giving lots of open mouth slobbery kisses.  He woke up early from his nap and decided to finish his nap on my shoulder in an inpromptu 30 minute cuddle session.  We read books, rode our train and played catch.  As hard as it can be I still wouldn't choose anywhere else...but if there were a bit more sleep and a chance for him to run around - well it would be even better!


shadeflower said...

Mrs Goat - you made me cry - good tears though! It seems so long ago that we were holed up in Room 4 with our teeny tiny babies, feeling like the time would never come that we'd bring our little munchkins home. I had lost track of the days after a while, feeling it was "Wednesday" for a solid month.

I still remember trying to hide my tears behind the curtain, but you reached out and said it would be okay - that it was okay to feel the way I was. Your reaching out to me was one of the nicest, kindest moments of my life for which I am forever grateful. The fact that we've maintained a friendship is also so great. I hope we always will.

It sounds like the rest of your weekend was wonderful. And no, Baby Goat does NOT look like a girl. Since the day we met him, he has been all boy in his features. But don't feel bad, every once in a while I get people saying S is a boy.

As for your being a SAHM - I think you'd be great. It is a lot of adjustment and a challenge to keep yourself sane sometimes. If it wasn't for Shadeflower, I think I'd be truly asylum-bound. A good friend of mine works one day a week just to get out of the house and into adult-world living. She is much more active also with activities with the kids - there is a TON of stuff to do. I just haven't done any of that yet, as balancing a house, child and business is enough of a challenge. Though one of these days I will have to, as S is very interested in other kids and I want to make sure she is getting what she needs socially.

Okay, I'm babbling now. Anyway, thank you for warming my heart tonight. XOXO

Valerie said...

Alright, so obviously I'm a bit clueless as to things to do for his age range, but have you thought about museums? Mom always tells me she loved taking me places at that age because she could go wherever she wanted, but I'd still get some excitement in my life. The science museum might have some stuff for him or the children's museum may have something suitable for his age.

Also, while I'm sure he's too young for it now (unless they have something for younger children) never underestimate the convenience of a McDonald's play place. Mom apparently would take me there and read a book while I had fun in the ball pit.

Lastly, I always really loved the grocery store. I think I have a post on it somewhere, but Mom would play games with me in the cart. Plus, I really love food.

Good luck finding things to do!

Songbird said...

I love that picture with the turtle!

Rebecca said...

No, she doesn't need a haircut. She looks great with her hair like it is. Why don't you put bows in it?

(Kidding... kidding...)

BTW - I love the story about M and her baby. What would you each have done had you not had each other for support? I'm glad that the NICU is set up so that parents can support each other.