Tuesday, February 02, 2010

It's not easy being Green

And I'm not talking about Kermit the Frog here.  Nor am I talking about saving the planet though that is great.  Instead I'm talking about the Big Green Monster.


Do you know it?

I know that I do.  It rears up at strange times, secretly in the bit of your heart and head, when confronted with someone else's wonderful news.  It  could be the news of a pregnancy, or a raise, or a vacation to some place warm and tropical.  It could be diet success, a new house, the chance to be a stay-at-home mom.

The worst part is that it isn't even about them and what they have.  It is about me.  It is about wanting the result without the pain and effort to get there.  When I am jealous I remain truly overjoyed for my friends and I want it for them without a moment of doubt or regret.

Yet...there is a voice that says but what about you too?  It isn't a question of instead of, it is simply a feeling of being left behind.  Of being the only one still struggling toward their goals.

The reality is never so straightforward.  Those who move forward have setbacks and bad days, they are stretched sometimes beyond their abilities and have moments of doubt.  I am jealous of an illusion, a mirage...the perfect impossiblity.

The Green monster fades away after its initial attack.  The rational side of my head takes over and brings me back to reality.  The reality of the multitude of blessings around me.  The progress we make towards our own goals.  The love and joy for my friends and family.

The mirage shimmers away, but the guilt of the Green monster's whispers remain. 

I don't like that monster.  He doesn't define me or my love.  He doesn't change the imperfect perfection of my life.  But he's there.

I write about this monster to bring him into the light.  I am guilty of his presence and guilty of sharing his thoughts, even momentarily.  But all the Green monster shows me is that I want the easy way out - the lottery ticket to the dreams, even when my dreams are more than attainable by normal methods.

I want to "I dream of Genie" my way up my mountains but I know that isn't realistic or healthy.

Die Green Monster Die.  I will do it without your "help".


Roxane B. Salonen said...

Liz, this is a wonderful post about a vile character that attacks all of us at one time or another. It's the "stinkin' thinkin'," and I am fairly certain it is alive. Sometimes, that monster feels far, far away. Then all of a sudden, poor, he's sneering at me once again. And I can't always shoo him away. Sometimes it takes great effort to make him slither off in another direction. Very well written. You are really growing in your writing, Liz. It's fun to witness...you go girl! I want to cheer you on and help you stave off the Green Monster!

Laura said...

so well written. I agree with your thoughts 100%... I think it's hard for people to believe that you can be happy for them while still bummed for what you're missing. I'm glad you wrote this.

simplicity said...

So true. It's hard not to get on the compare track isn't it?

Mary Beth said...

Beautifully written, and I needed this today. Thank you.