According to Dr. Cliff Arnall, today is the most depressing day of the year. Apparently based on the failing economy, broken resolutions, the weather and all of it, makes today the most depressing of all the other days.
While I'm not sure I buy that today is depressing of its own right, I have had a weekend that makes me lean towards depressed. And no, it isn't even primarily because the Packers gave away the championship last night. (Damn NY Giants...oops, I'm sorry, it just slips out).
I certainly have been feeling overwhelmed lately and have been doing a lot of internal debating to figure out 1. Why? and 2. How to get over it? Then answers, well, they are a work in progress but I'm at least working on it.
Basically, as I think about all the things that are going on lately, most of my angst comes from issues of control. Which when I think of it causes a lot of depression and anxiety in the world. In my particular case it is that many upcoming changes are completely out of my control, combined with a general sense of not being able to control the things that I *ought* to be able to control.
One of my bigger anxieties at the moment comes from the upcoming year. This year is going to be big on the change meter. My hubby graduates from law school, takes the bar and hopefully finds a job. As a result of said changes, any of the following things could open up or change for me...money (will we have enough? What about loans? What if Chris is without a job for a while?) ...my own job (would I keep it? Will we have to move too far away? Do I look for another job? In the same field?) ...our home (could we, maybe, afford a house?) ...a baby? (who knows but it is a time to start thinking about it). We are at the cusp of some changes that really could change the way we are living and it could go many different ways. I want to enter these with hope and confidence and able to support my husband, as he is the really catalyst for these changes, but I honestly spend WAY too much time on the what ifs of the next year.
And too that I add a real purposeful attempt to fix the main things in my life that I've been notoriously poor at controlling - my exercise and eating, my ability to stay organized, keeping the house clean, my procrastination. Many of these things I don't control very well, though they all should (in theory) controllable.
The combination of the questions and the resolutions - a whole mess of anxiety, guilt, and worry. Which is one thing i am truly talented at.
I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is an incredibly lovely account of her year in Italy, India and Indonesia seeking to heal herself, love herself and find God. I must admit it is tempting to be able to take a year off to deal with all your "issues." To give up those things that make you less than you could be and to find time to truly recognize the gifts you can bring to the world.
But the reality of it, is that too often we are faced with trying to improve and grow in the midst of real life which distracts, moves fast and occasionally taunts you with your own flaws. How do you seek balance, growth and improvement when there are times when you are just trying to get by?
And perhaps that makes today the most depressing day of the year.
Well, after today, there is tomorrow. Which by definition will NOT be the most depressing day of the year. And maybe tomorrow will bring a little more ease and a little more growth and a little more peace and a little more forgiveness. And maybe I'll still make the same mistakes I make, and maybe I'll learn to recognize them a bit more and learn to change them at the same time learning to let them go sometimes too.
And maybe tomorrow the gym won't be quite such a chore or the chocolate cake won't talk to me quite as loudly. And maybe I'll take the time to do the dishes right away. Or find time to do some laundry. Or find time to snuggle with my husband. And maybe that will be enough to try again with purpose the day after that and the day after that.
One of the nice things about living with worry, as I do, is the sometimes ignored, but very real knowledge that many, if not most of my worries never come to fruition. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to remember that a bit earlier.
So if today is the most depressing day of the year, I can't wait for the rest, because if this is as bad as it gets I can handle tomorrow and the day after that. And slowly (and sometimes VERY slowly) I will grow into the me that I am and that I am called to be.