Friday, July 21, 2006

Overwhelmed by nothing

There has always been a certain comfort I take in being busy. It means that I don't have much room for error or for procrastination. The same things that can cause me stress make me feel confident in my ability to deal with the unexpected and to prevail when things get difficult. It was true in high school when I managed to get my non-morning person self into school each day at 7am (an hour before things started) to do homework so I could stay in band, jazz band, church choir, sunday school teacher, pep band, pit orchestra, math team and whatever else I was doing at the time.

It was true in college, balancing three majors, 4 music ensembles (on average) and a part time job. In college and high school I did these things and found time for friends too. Seminary wasn't much different, being ahead in class and in the choir and brass ensemble and still being able to see friends or visit Chris.

The working world is that way to I suppose. VBS week, though stressful, forces me to be on top of my game and things do go fairly smoothly because of it. But I'm more and more aware of an anxiety and overwhelming feeling when left with a light schedule. Oh sure, there is always stuff to do. The house needs to be cleaned, and i always could go into work and finish stuff but I don't always want to be working.

This weekend there is nothing planned. Most ofen, when there is nothing planned nothing gets done and I end up guilty for wasting all the time on nothing. Things get put off because they don't have deadlines or aren't urgent. The more relaxed my schedule the more likely I'll skip going to the gym, or doing the dishes, or catching up with friends. I don't know why exactly. Does stress trigger a desire to please that keeps me motivated and focused? Am I a procrastinator at heart? I don't know but faced with an unscheduled weekend in front of me I am on edge. I want so badly to have something that I HAVE to do, just so I know something will get done. I don't know why that is different from giving myself something to do and keeping myself to it, but it is somehow. My responsiblity to my self and my deadlines has never been as strong as that for others. I guess I should work on that.

1 comment:

Monkeymama said...

I'm totally the same way! That's one of my struggles with staying home - some weeks we just don't seem to have anything to do and then we sit around a lot. But, the weeks where a lot is going on, we seem to cram in a lot of fun extra activites too!